


A Little Illumination

by lazarusthefirst



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: AU, Firefighters, Kindergarten, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Mentions of past self-harm, Slow Burn, brief mentions of road accident/death, no exy, not actually a kidfic I guess, some fire-related violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-01-21 09:27:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 56,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12454434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazarusthefirst/pseuds/lazarusthefirst
Summary: Jean's a lonely firefighter, and Jeremy teaches kindergarten. Everyone learns something about themselves.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've never written a non-exy au for this pairing, but I read the start of a really bad one and it inspired me to spite-write an au of my own. 
> 
> Beta read by Sybilina so all mistakes are my own
> 
> This will be completed before nanowrimo so regular updates until the end of the month!

The crew of the LAFD’s Fire Station 29 was called out to Rose Hill Elementary School one sunny September morning in response to what was described by the dispatcher over the phone as “a minor crash”. Jean and the rest of his crew rolled up expecting fields of crying children and hysterical parents. It turned out to be as described; a fairly dramatic but bloodless fender bender.

Jean spoke to the principle of the school and the injured parties - two feuding parents - while his crew attempted to wrest the cars apart so they could be towed. Said parents were turning rabid and making it very hard to get any information from them. The headmistress was attempting to mediate, and fortunately, Jean knew the headmistress in question.

‘Mr Grant, Mrs - Ms! - Ms Silversmith, I think it would be best if we moved this into my office so that we don’t upset any of the children,’ Renée explained patiently, a smile in her eyes as she glanced between them at Jean. ‘Once everything’s calmed down you can see about getting your vehicles towed and repaired.’

Amidst snarling and cell phone waving, the parents were shepherded into the school. Renee winked over her shoulder at Jean and added, ‘And you can separate the other two.’

Jean turned back to his crew, who were clambering all over the two mangled vehicles.

‘Like two kids with their braces caught,’ Alvarez grinned up at Jean from where she was crouched beside the cars.

‘Just a love tap,’ Laila said, hefting the buzz saw.

Jean glanced over his shoulder at the tiny faces pressed against the glass from across the lawn. The kindergarten building was right beside them, fenced off and in its own area but still only about fifteen yards away. This was going to be rather loud; the crew were getting out their earmuffs.

‘Wait a minute,’ Jean said, holding up his hand to Laila. She frowned.

‘Where are you going?’ she called after him as he headed towards the kindergarten building. He just held up one finger over his shoulder.

The kindergarten building was small and red brick, with a little wooden fence with daisies painted on it. Jean could hear the excited chattering of children inside, even though they’d disappeared from the windows.

He opened the outer door and entered the little hallway where the children’s coats were hanging up. There was a small toilet and a little side office beside the main classroom. The door to the office was ajar; Jean could see a dark coat and green scarf hanging on a peg, and a backpack sitting on a chair. It had a pink ribbon tied to strap.

He tapped on the classroom door, then a little harder to make it sound over the children’s ruckus.

‘Someone at the door!’ a chorus of voices rang out. ‘Someone here!’

‘Sorry, I’m deafened in here with these guys.’ The voice reached Jean before the door was all the way open. The teacher was a man - a fairly young man, probably around Jean’s age. All Jean could take in was big brown eyes and a wide smile before a riot of colour and chattering children became his entire field of vision.

‘A FIREFIGHTER!’ The children were ecstatic. Jean was only half in uniform, since there was no fire to contend with, but he was still wearing his navy uniform with the distinctive crest, and the children had spotted it.

‘Can we say “hello” instead?’ the teacher said loudly, looking over his shoulder. The crowd of shrill voices dutifully shouted hello at Jean, and then the teacher turned back with a smile.

‘Is everything ok?’ he asked. What a wonderful smile he had.

‘Everything’s fine,’ Jean said automatically, having entirely forgotten why he was there. ‘We’re going to cut the cars apart now,’ he said. ‘It’ll be loud.’

The teacher’s eyes brightened. ‘Oh, right! Thank you. They’re basket cases as it is, it’s only their first week.’

They didn’t seem too nervous to Jean but he wasn’t going to question this lovely, smiling man.

‘Oh,’ Jean said, brilliantly. ‘Well, maybe just get them to cover their ears, or something.’

The teacher nodded. ‘Will do,’ he said. ‘Will it take long?’

Jean shrugged. 'Ten, fifteen minutes. Depends on whether they put up a fight.’

The teacher nodded again. ‘Well, just between us,’ he said, lowering his voice. ‘The owners of those particular cars have more money than sense and spend very little time on their kids. So, no need to be too gentle.’

He finished this with a wink and a smile that included Jean in the joke.

‘Noted,’ Jean said, utterly charmed.

‘Thanks for coming to tell us. Do you have kids?’

‘Just a cat,’ Jean said, unthinkingly. This startled a laugh out of the teacher, and gave Jean a chance to admire his soft brown hair and laugh lines around his mouth.

‘Well, your thoughtfulness is very much appreciated,’ the teacher said. ‘I’ve spent the morning pulling them down off the walls as it is. The crash happened just before the bell.’

‘Hope it’s not too distracting,’ Jean said, fairly distracted himself.

The teacher’s eyes sparkled. ‘Oh, we’ll manage,’ he said. Then he raised his voice again. ‘Everyone say thank you!’

The children screamed their thanks at him. Jean and the teacher shared an amused look, and Jean decided he definitely needed to get out more.

‘Thank you,’ added the teacher. ‘Sorry, I didn’t get your name?’

‘Jean.’ He said his usual silent prayer that he wouldn’t hear _John?_ in response.

The teacher only stuck out his hand and smiled. ‘Jeremy,’ he said. ‘Nice to meet you.’

Jean shook his hand and had to remind himself to actually let go. They both jumped as Laila revved the buzz saw threateningly.

‘Sorry, I’m holding up the show,’ Jean said, gesturing over his shoulder. Jeremy only smiled and waved him away. Jean exited the building with his brain full of brown eyes and smiles, and was clearly distracted enough for Alvarez to ask if he was thinking of adopting.

‘Screaming children were a respite from you,’ Jean retorted. Alvarez flipped him off; Jean almost swiped at her before remembering the kids might be watching. ‘Ok, behave. Are we working or what?’

They got to work separating the cars. Laila wielded the saw with grace but couldn’t avoid a bit of damage to both vehicles.

‘Oops.’ She glanced at Jean. ‘My bad.’

Jean was snapping photos for the report. ‘Unavoidable,’ he said. ‘Ok, get everything packed up and make sure nothing’s leaking. I’ll let Renée know we’re done.’

He’d visited Renée once or twice before at her job, usually on official duty. They did regular fire inspections at the school, and had once had to respond to a case of rogue science experiment. The halls were quiet, with echoes of teacher’s confident voices drifting out from the classroom as Jean passed them by. It was a colourful environment; flyers and welcome back posters decorated the walls and noticeboards, and a string of red and white bunting - the school’s colours - ran the length of the hall. Jean lingered somewhat wistfully, thinking how it was very different to his own education.

The secretary indicated that Renée was still with the parents, so Jean twiddled his thumbs on a small chair outside until they emerged, somewhat mollified, and stormed off in separate directions. Renee leaned out and smiled at Jean, beckoning him in.

Renée’s office was pastel and peaceful, with a window looking out on to the lawn behind her head. A photo of her and Alison sat on her desk along with a shiny red apple, probably given to her by an adoring student. Renée was that kind of person.

‘I was going to bring you an apple too,’ Jean told her, sitting down. Renée grinned at him.

‘I only ever want your company, Jean,’ she said. ‘How are things?’

Jean shrugged. ‘A successful separation,’ he said. ‘How did yours go?’

Renée gave him a look that said she hadn’t been inquiring after the health of the cars. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Those two hated each other when they were in school too, or so I’m told. It’s such a shame when it impacts their children.’

Jean nodded. He hadn’t had much experience in normal childhoods, and his parents hadn’t been around long enough to really impact his education, but he could understand Renée’s concern. They looked at each other for another moment, and then Renée asked, ‘How are you?’

It was her soft, therapist voice. Jean was used to it by now, but he didn’t hold it against her.

‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘Same as usual.’

‘What have you been up to?’

Reporting his days to Renée always served to remind him of how bare they were. It wasn’t exactly how he liked it, but it was just the way he went.

‘Not much,’ he said. ‘Went for drinks with some of the new cadets.’ That had been almost a month ago. ‘Took Grishkin to the vet. She tried to eat a bee.’

‘Poor Grishkin.’ Renée knew when he was trying to deflect. ‘Are you seeing anyone?’

Jean gave her a tired look. ’Don’t worry, you’ll be the first to know.’

Renée tried to keep her face neutral but Jean knew her well enough to see the concern.

‘I know you keep to yourself, Jean, but having someone close by would really be good for you,’ she said. ‘Someone who’s just yours.’

Jean had heard all this before. It wasn’t like he didn’t agree. So he told Renée he’d give it a go, like always, and headed back to the truck. As he crossed the path beside the kindergarten building he couldn’t help glancing in. Jeremy was standing by the window holding up a book and reading aloud from it. He looked up as Jean paused. His expression was blurred through the glass and the distance, but he raised his hand and waved anyway. Jean waved back. As he headed back to the road he felt like he’d left something behind.

*

Jean received a call from Renée one rainy Tuesday evening. She had an uncanny knack for picking the days when he wasn’t working to call, and therefore couldn’t dodge her in good conscience.

‘We were wondering if you and a few of your crew could come out and do a fire safety class next week,’ she said.

Jean frowned. He was sitting on the couch petting Grishkin, and on the other end of the line he could hear Alison playing with her and Renée’s one year old son, Noah. ‘Don’t we have one of those pencilled in for November?’

‘For general assembly, yes,’ said Renée. ‘I wanted this one to be just for the younger kids. The kindergarteners. They were quite impressed by your arrival last week. I’ve been getting a lot of feedback.’

It was like someone had suddenly banged on his front door. Jean sat up a little straighter. ‘What do you mean?’

Noah shrieked loudly in response. Renée murmured a few words to him, then said, ‘They’ve been asking their teacher a lot of questions. Jeremy approached me today and he thinks they’d really benefit from a private class, one that’s geared more towards listening to their teacher and recognising hazards and less about the proper way to handle a bunsen burner and why they shouldn’t flick their cigarettes on to the grass.’

Jean snorted. ‘I see his point.’

‘You met Jeremy, didn’t you?’

Jean was instantly suspicious. ‘Yes. I gave them a noise warning before we went at the cars last week.’

‘He said the children were quite taken with you.’

Unlikely. Jean had hardly glanced at them.

‘I’ll speak to the station chief,’ Jean said, unwilling to get into it with Renée, because she’d only wear him down and then he’d have to listen to Alison laughing in the background. ‘See if we can fit something in soon.’

‘Great,’ Renée enthused. ‘We’d really like to build on the momentum, while it’s still fresh in the kids’ minds. They’ll soon be on to the next thing. Anyway, I’ll give you Jeremy’s email address - ’

‘What? No.’

‘ - So that you can set something up. It’s his class and their schedule is whatever he decides is best for them, so you really should talk to him first.’

‘Renée, surely this should be between you and the - ’

‘I just sign on the dotted line.’ Jean could hear the smile in her voice. ‘It’d be a favour for me, Jean, and I don’t have any credit with Bob Taheny or any of those old boys at the LAFD. You’re my guy.’

Jean grumbled about this, but it was nice to be someone’s guy.

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll - fine.’

‘Great,’ Renée said again. Jean’s phone vibrated gently under his ear. ‘I’ve sent you his contact details. Let me know how it goes.’

They ended the call on Noah’s cue - bursting into tears and throwing something across the room. Jean re-entered the silence of his own apartment, and looked down at Grishkin. Her luminous eyes gave away nothing, but she was probably laughing at him.

He opened the email from Renée. It was a full sheet of contact information, probably from her school register. She’d have had to get Jeremy’s permission for this. Would she share Jean’s in turn? This all felt a little bit like being set up. Jean was a weary veteran of this road, and he was still single and sharing the evening with his cat.

The contact card gave him everything. His full name (Knox, Jeremy E.), his age (27, the same as Jean), as well as his phone number and email address. Jean was tempted to look him up on social media, but was afraid of what he might find. Wife, girlfriend, long term partner. Based on their three-minute conversation Jean was now sure that someone like Jeremy had to have a slew of friends and family who all adored him.

He was starting to build it all up in his head. When Jean was young and even more friendless than he was now, he’d imagined lives for all the people who moved silently in and out of his life. Foster siblings, social workers, friends of whatever family he was staying with who flitted around their broken lives before returning to their whole ones. Jean had made assumptions so vivid they became true for him, and inevitably led to him talking himself out of finding out the truth from anyone.

Jean picked up Grishkin and let her purr all over him. He was working the next three days, thankfully. He never liked having his days off consecutively, which suited the rest of the crew fine because it meant they got some weekend time. Jean found it left him with too much time on his hands; he’d wind up getting stuck in his past for hours at a time, and have to call Kevin or Renée to bring himself back.

Kevin was getting serious with Thea now, and Renée was still up half the night with her son. They couldn’t keep taking panicked 1am calls from Jean because he was still fucked up from being sixteen.

Jean scooped up the cat and went for a wander around his kitchen. Jeremy Knox’s phone number and email address were burning a hole in his pocket, but he had no information to impart. Texting would be an inappropriate - a call, unbearably awkward. Can you email just to say hello?

Grishkin bit his hand gently and then jumped down from his arms as if to say he really should be doing something better with his time.

The minute Jean sent the email he regretted not rereading it. Why had he thought a shoddy first draft was good enough? Then he shook himself - would the station chief care about whether or not he’d used too many commas in a simple business inquiry email to another working professional? Jean was losing his head.

  
To: J.Knox@RoseHillElm.edu  
From: JMoreau@aol.com  
Subject: Kindergarten fire safety class

_Hi,_

_Renee gave me your email. I think a kid-friendly fire safety class is a great idea. Will speak to the boss this week about it and let you know._

_Best,_  
_Jean Moreau_

  
It was very impersonal. Should he have gone with kind regards? Or was that only when you hadn’t had a physical conversation with a person, and were also happily married with four kids and had no designs on the other person whatsoever? He’d forgotten the accent on Renée’s name, so basically he was illiterate.

On and on he went for about forty five minutes until he got a reply.

To: JMoreau@aol.com  
From: J.Knox@RoseHillElm.edu  
Subject: RE: Kindergarten fire safety class

_Hi Jean!_

_I’m really pleased you’re on board - the kids haven’t stopped talking about the fire engine. I think they’re so intrigued because there wasn’t a fire, so I’d love to get them thinking about the other ways that they need to be safety conscious._  
_I know you’ve done these before, but I’m really eager to bring the discussion down to their level and get them thinking without scaring them. So if you have any questions or want some feedback on how it might sound to an audience of five year olds, just give me a call and we can talk about it._

_Really nice meeting you last week. Looking forward to the visit._

_All the best,_  
_Jeremy_

  
Jean scrutinised this response until he went cross-eyed.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can already feel this starting to become bigger and uglier than I had previously intended. Might be updating the tags soon - nothing too dramatic but I'll let yiz all know anyways.

Crew 29’s reaction to the unexpected demonstration at the local kindergarten was, thankfully, fairly neutral. As work colleagues went, Jean’s were like a basin of sharks; he was sure that Alvarez or Laila would smell the blood in the water as soon as they got a look at Jeremy’s smile and his familiarity with Jean. 

That being said, Jean was still quietly excited. He awoke on the agreed-upon Tuesday morning to Grishkin making biscuits on the bed beside him, and he spent a moment petting her and thinking about the day to come. He wouldn’t even be doing much of the talking - both Alvarez and Laila were new to the station, so he planned on letting them do most of the presentation, because Jean was senior and he felt like delegating. They didn’t know that yet, which was deliberate. Giving them time to plan their revenge would be a grave tactical error.

All three had the day off, so Jean was carpooling with the other two. He had been too shy to liaise much with Jeremy since that first email, which he was starting to regret. What if the content was all wrong for the audience? Jean knew absolutely nothing about kindergarteners, except that he wasn’t allowed to scare them like he was the middle and high schoolers. 

‘Do you think this section is appropriate?’ Jean asked the two women on their way to the school as he reviewed his notes on his tablet. Laila was driving and Jean was stuck in the back of the car, so he leaned forward to shove it under Alvarez’s nose.

‘I don’t know,’ she said, wrinkling her nose. ‘Why are you asking me?’

Jean frowned at her. ‘You’re the biggest child in here,’ he retorted, sitting back. A knot of worry was starting to form in his chest. Even if he wasn’t giving the talk himself, it was still his work. But at least there wouldn’t be many opportunities to trip over his words. He broke the bad news to Laila and Alvarez as the school appeared in the distance, and it was too late to turn around.

‘Because you’re my subordinates, that’s why,’ he said, talking straight over their objections. ‘Hope you were paying attention in class.’

While he didn’t actually doubt that they knew their stuff, Alvarez had a tendency to scowl more than smile. Jean was quite prepared to kick her in the shin if he thought she wasn’t being friendly enough.

They parked the car around the side of the school and then went to check in at registration. Jean found himself appreciating the comfortable rules and regulations surrounding the school, right down to the posters warning children to wash their hands and not to talk to strangers. 

Renée came out of her office to say hello. At this point Alvarez and Laila were starting to sweat, and Jean ignored them in favour of Renée, who was looking very pleased with herself. 

‘This is a really good idea, Jean, thank you for coming in,’ she said again. ‘I think Jeremy’s around here somewhere, he’ll be bringing you down - ’

Jean had to force himself to keep looking at Renée and not start glancing around for Jeremy. Even he could admit that his lack of attention, affection, and general social life had probably led to him building up this person to unrealistic proportions in his head, but that didn’t stop the butterflies in his stomach when the person in question emerged from the staff room, a to-go coffee cup in one hand and a thick binder filled haphazardly with papers in the other. He was wearing a dark cardigan over his light blue shirt, and his tidy appearance added to the reassuring, comforting teacher image that Jean found very appealing. There was definitely something psychologically off about that, but Jean had long ago accepted that he had a weird brain and it was only like 30% his own fault.

He greeted them all with a toothy smile before turning his eyes to Jean. ‘I might have over-hyped this, so I apologise in advance for the decibel level.’

Jean felt the smile worming its way on to his face. ‘Speaking of, aren’t you supposed to be teaching or something?’

Jeremy smirked at him. ‘Teaching assistant,’ he said. ‘She’s got them running laps. I highly recommend getting yourself one.’

‘Sounds like a lackey,’ Laila piped up. ‘He’s already got two.’

‘Thanks for reminding me,’ Jean said, glancing over his shoulder. ‘Jeremy Knox, this is Laila Dermott and Sara Alvarez. They’ll be doing the legwork today while I decide who works the next three weekend shifts.’

Renée coughed gently, a twinkle in her eye, and Jean realised he was practically schmoozing in the hallway.

Jeremy took the hint too, and glanced at his watch. ‘We can head over now, I think.’

Jean deliberately walked beside his colleagues all the way down to the kindergarten wing, happy to let Jeremy talk to the women about his class while Jean kept up his facade of being normal. The kids were actually running laps around the back when they arrived, shepherded by a tall blonde woman with long legs. Jeremy ushered Jean and the others into the classroom unseen by the rabble, and let them get set up unmolested. Jean focused on helping his colleagues and tried to ignore Jeremy, who puttered around the classroom straightening chairs and picking up pencils. He was wearing a very nice cologne, and it made Jean want to inhale deeper every time Jeremy bustled around in his vicinity. Once he brushed Jean’s shoulder by accident and murmured a little apology. Jean’s shoulder stung at the contact.

After a few minutes the outside door creaked open and a woman’s voice called for Jeremy; as he left to help, Jean glanced over at Laila and Alvarez to see if they’d noticed any of the one-sided tension that was causing Jean to bump into every object. They weren’t even looking in his direction. Jean needed to calm down.

One by one the children filed into the classroom. They were pink-cheeked and significantly more calm than the last time Jean had seen them. Jeremy stayed outside removing coats and doing other teacher things, so the children were ushered to their seats by the aforementioned teaching assistant, who introduced herself as Katelyn. She had a warm smile for all three of them, and then busied herself attending to the children as they scrambled around and tried to get a look at what Laila and Alvarez were preparing. 

Finally everyone was settled. Jean and Jeremy had a brief conference over by the door that left Jean a little bit starstruck; Jeremy just wanted a quick overview of the presentation, which meant he leaned right into Jean’s space to look at the tablet. The whole thing probably lasted about two minutes, Jeremy scrolling rapidly down the screen to read the headings before pronouncing it fit for consumption, and then he moved to speak to the excited children. Jean took the opportunity to compose himself. 

‘Ok everyone, let’s sit down and be quiet now,’ he said. The kids’ eyes were glued to him straight away, waiting to see what excitement he was about to bring. Jean could relate.

Jeremy had a nice mouth. He had nice hands and shoulders. Jean did a lot of watching and evaluating for the first few minutes of the class, and by the time Jeremy yielded the floor to Jean he’d decided that he’d like to do a lot more than just look. 

Jean had faced down far scarier things than a room full of five year olds. He’d given a version of this talk to an auditorium of teenagers who were all determined to be the most disruptive and hilarious of them all. He’d only been a year out of the academy at the time. This was nothing in comparison.

However, there’d never been the added complication of Jeremy Knox watching him with those big brown eyes and expectant smile. 

Jean told the kids who they were and where they worked, and then explained that his colleagues Laila and Sara were going to tell them about fire safety in school and at home. At the end everyone can ask some questions. 

And that was it. Jean retreated to the window which was conveniently located beside the teacher’s desk. Wanting to seem more relaxed than he really was, he leaned against the sill and folded his arms, and then gave Laila and Alvarez a nod.

After a few minutes, Jeremy said quietly to Jean, ‘I really appreciate you doing this.’

Jean allowed himself to look. ’Our pleasure,’ he said. ‘Helping kids grow up smart and all that. I guess that’s more your deal, though.’

Jeremy smiled at him. ‘I guess we have similar interests,’ he said. 

Jeremy’s desk was a series of organised clutter, mostly school-related. The thick binder he’d been carrying earlier was sitting on top, beside a cell phone and a day planner. There was a little apple-shaped ticking clock, an hourglass, and a bottle of water. The side of the bottle said “keep drinking!” in cheerful pink writing. 

Laila and Alvarez were getting on just fine, so he leaned in and whispered to Jeremy ‘Does it sound ok?’

A nod or a smile would have been fine. But Jeremy leaned back in his chair and whispered back ‘You know what, I was kind of worried that it would still go over their heads and they’d be too interested in hearing about how many fires you’ve been in, but they actually looked really engaged.’

Jean raised his eyebrows. ‘So … good then?’

‘It’s perfect, yeah!’ Jeremy’s enthusiasm seemed so authentic Jean had to remind himself that they were just talking about fire safety. 

But Jeremy was done yet. ‘Did you put all this together yourself?’ he asked. They weren’t quite whispering now, but Laila had the kids repeating lessons back to them now so there was a little more noise to talk over. 

Jean unfolded his arms, then refolded them because he didn’t know what he was doing. 

‘Well I just - I took the usual curriculum, and - and I just made it a bit simpler.’

Jeremy still looked interested, so he added, ‘I mean, I took out the parts about paying attention to your science teacher and went more with don’t stick forks into the toaster or electrical sockets. Also I removed the part about safe cigarette disposal because they just don’t seem like the type.’

Jeremy’s nose crinkled when he laughed. Jean didn’t need any help giving him a smile in return. 

‘You know, you’d be surprised,’ Jeremy said, teasing a little laugh out of Jean. ‘No, really. After a few years teaching kids you can start to get kinda prophetic with it. And I mean, the law of averages states at least five of these kids are gonna be serious smokers.’

‘Five out of twenty?’

Jeremy waved his hand. ‘Eh, it’s something like that.’

‘That’s kind of depressing,’ Jean noted. 

Jeremy smiled. ‘I think between the two of us we can get that number down,’ he said lightly. ‘Can’t do much for the kids whose parents already smoke, because I don’t want to scare them. Then there’s the kids who are natural rebels and risk takers and who have to try anything. But it’s that small section of ‘fraidy cats that these lessons really touch the most.’

Jean hadn’t smiled this much since Grishkin had gotten into the catnip and then his sock drawer. ‘Do you usually refer to your students as fraidy cats? By the way, which dictionary is that term from?’

‘It’s called Teacher’s Prerogative. That’s also the name of the rule book where you can refer to your little tormentors as anything you want.’

Jean wanted to put his chin on his hands and learn more. ‘I should get myself one of those.’

‘You’re a teacher too?’

This was more information than Jean had revealed on first dates, and he’d stopped having those for a reason. 

‘I - well, I teach one of the classes for prospective cadets, at the high school. It gives them a realistic idea of what being a firefighter is like.’

Jeremy raised his eyebrows. ’Wow, I didn’t even know that was a thing. Do you encourage or terrorise?’

Jean thought about it. ‘Bit of both, really,’ he said. ‘Too many cadets drop out their first year of training because it’s a lot tougher than they thought. But, we still need recruits. I might make it sound kind of cool.’

Jeremy grinned. ‘So how’d you get that gig?’

Jean shrugged. ‘I was the last to say “not it”.’

Laila cleared her throat over their laughter. ‘Excuse me,’ she called. ‘If the two big kids in the corner would stop talking, it’s time for the questions.’

The kids yelled their amusement, and Jeremy smiled ruefully at Jean. ‘You’re up,’ he said.

Jean took his place at the top of the classroom beside Alvarez and Laila, who murmured, ‘Didn’t know you were so interested in teaching techniques, Jean.’

‘Didn’t know you wanted to work next Saturday, Laila,’ Jean retorted, as calmly as he could. Inside, he was cartwheeling. 

The kids had lots of intelligent(ish) questions, encouraged and helped along by their teachers. Jeremy moved around the room, crouching down and offering help when a child wasn’t sure what they were trying to ask.

And once they’d gotten the practical, education questions out of the way, Jeremy let them move on to the fun stuff.

‘Have you ever gotten burned in a fire?’

‘Well, we wear protective suits when we have to put out a fire,’ Jean said. ‘But fires are so dangerous that even we get burned sometimes, yes.’

‘Was it sore?’

‘Yes, a burn from fire is very sore.’

‘Did you cry?’

‘He’s a firefighter!’ One of the little boys was indignant. ‘They don’t cry.’

Jean raised his eyebrows and looked to Jeremy. ‘Uh?’ 

Jeremy made a face like “I got this one”. He turned to the brat in question and said, ’Shaun, first of all we don’t interrupt when someone else is asking a question. Ok?’

‘Yes,’ the boy replied sullenly. 

‘And secondly,’ Jeremy went on, standing up. ‘Just because someone looks big and strong doesn’t mean things can’t upset them or that they don’t cry. Sometimes it’s a cut or a bruise, or sometimes it’s getting your feelings hurt. That’s why you should always be careful and think about what you say to someone.’ He looked around, and then smiled at them. ‘Ok, who else has a question?’

Everyone, it turned out, had a question. How hot were the flames, did they ever pull anyone out of a burning building, did their hair ever catch on fire, how old do you have to be to drive the fire engine.

‘He still doesn’t let us drive it,’ said Alvarez, jerking her head at Jean. 

‘He also likes to keep all the really big fires for himself,’ added Laila. 

Jean looked at her with interest and asked ‘You good for Sunday, too?’ 

Jean barely noticed that an hour had gone by. Suddenly the bell was going, signalling lunch time for the elementary school and home time for the kindergartener. There was a groan from half the class as they realised the lesson had come to an end, and Laila and Alvarez swelled with pride.

‘If your heads can’t fit inside the car you’re walking home,’ Jean told them flatly. 

Jeremy and Katelyn were suddenly very busy people and engaged in what looked like a complicated assembly line. After dashing around the room collecting lunch boxes and sweaters and tucking little homework assignments into their journals, they had them milling around in the most orderly fashion possible as each parent came to the door for collection. Jeremy passed them out like takeaway until just the children who took the bus were left, holding hands two by two.

‘Ok, I gotta walk them to the bus because this maniac isn’t insured to take them off school property yet,’ Jeremy said, nodding at Katelyn, who stuck her tongue out at him. ‘But don’t go anywhere,’ he added to Jean. ‘I’ll be back in five minutes.’

It was like the passing of a whirlwind. Papers settled to the ground as the last of the children stampeded out, and left them in a kind of eerie quiet.

‘Are your ears ringing yet?’ Katelyn asked, with a smile. 

‘You do this every day?’ Alvarez asked in disbelief, dropping into a chair. 

Katelyn shook her head. ‘Tuesdays and Thursdays,’ she said. ‘Teaching experience. I’m still in school. But practical experience with Jeremy is better than a whole year of classes.’

‘He’s very good with them,’ Jean agreed, feeling helpless. He didn’t know what to do with his hands again, and Jeremy wasn’t even in the room. Laila and Alvarez already had half their stuff packed up, so he busied himself with straightening some chairs and making sure they weren’t leaving anything behind. 

Some of the papers sticking out of the binder on Jeremy’s desk caught his eye. He drew out a couple to have a look, and smiled when he saw that they were covered in crayon drawings of red fire engines. 

‘We did prep work,’ Katelyn said, noticing what he was looking at. ‘Jeremy’s on a whole health and safety kick. We’ve gotta get the cops in here next.’

‘Jean knows half the LAPD,’ Alvarez piped up.

‘Do you?’ Jeremy asked, interested. He’d come back in from outside, looking windswept, and now fixed his bright eyes on Jean. 

Jean spared a second to glare at Alvarez before correcting her. ‘My brother’s a cop. Alvarez knows him too.’

‘Barely,’ she muttered. Jean mentally put her down for Saturday and Sunday, too, and gave her a smile that said exactly that 

‘I’m not usually one for abusing friendship privileges, but I’m kind of obsessed with getting these kids thinking about safety,’ Jeremy admitted, taking the drawings from Jean and smiling at them briefly. ‘Want to keep one?’ he asked. Jean couldn’t respond because he was thinking about _friendship privileges_. ‘Here, have this one,’ he said, handing one to Jean with a smile. ‘The only kind of currency these kids understand so far.’

Jean took the drawing in fingers that were rapidly going numb. Around his head circled the words _YOU NEED TO GET OUT MORE_. He slipped the paper into the sleeve of his tablet quickly. 

‘You could totally get Kevin in here,’ Laila piped up, taking her life into her own hands. ‘He’s a safety nut. He’s always going on about how crazy America is.’

‘Sounds like he and Jeremy would get along,’ Katelyn said. 

Luckily, convincing Kevin to show off in any capacity wasn’t especially difficult, because Jean felt like he would have agreed to anything at this point. ‘Sure,’ he said, helplessly. ‘I’ll talk to him.’

Jeremy beamed. ‘Great!’ he enthused. ‘Ok, well, it’s home time for you guys too. Again, thank you so much for coming in and making this so special and educational for the kids. The ringing in your ears should stop in another hour or two.’

Jeremy had so effectively charmed all three of them that they’d made it all the way back to the car before either of them remembered to tease Jean.

‘If I’d talked that much during class, I’d have gotten a write up,’ Laila said frankly, as they took off their outer gear and stored it in the back of her truck. ‘Was it all work related, Jean?’

‘Yep,’ Jean said, through his teeth. As far as he was aware, this was the first human they’d ever seen him interact with outside of work, and he’d gone and made a fool of himself just for them. They’d get a year’s mileage out of this one. 

‘And now you have an excuse to see him again,’ added Alvarez. ‘Introducing him to Kevin is a great idea. Except - wait, Kevin’s definitely straight, right?’

Jean slammed the trunk of the car and spluttered. ‘What?’ he asked, voice tight. 

Alvarez smirked. ‘Oh, come one. You don’t have to pretend not to be interested. He’s cute and you’re human. And gay.’

‘Alvarez - ’

‘Takes one to know one, Jean,’ Alvarez said, holding up her hands. Jean didn’t miss the way she’d glanced at Laila. She probably didn’t even know she’d done it. Laila snorted from where she was getting into the front seat, and Jean quirked an eyebrow at Alvarez. 

‘Bet it does,’ he said. ‘Is that why you move your shifts around every week?’

Alvarez went traffic-light red. Jean smirked and sidled past her. ‘She can talk the talk …’ he murmured, feeling a little vindicated. Unfortunately his own ears went red as they both spotted Jeremy locking up the kindergarten building and heading for the road. Laila, in a terrible act of cruelty, honked the horn to get his attention. 

‘Have you ever seen _The Notebook_ , Jean?’ Alvarez asked, as Jeremy started to come their way. 

‘Get in the car and I won’t put you on weekend shifts for the rest of your career,’ Jean said through his teeth. ‘Hi!’ he added, too cheerfully, as Jeremy arrived within earshot. ‘You want a ride?’

‘Oh no, thanks. I like the exercise,’ Jeremy smiled. The sun brought out the gold in his hair and eyes as he took in the two women in the car and Jean still standing outside like a lemon. ‘You getting a ride too?’

This should have been an easy answer, but Jean found his mouth instead saying something like ‘No, I’m gonna walk.’

Alvarez stuck her head out the window and frowned at him.

‘Your flirting is giving me a headache,’ Jean told her, and her head quickly disappeared again. 

‘Aw, that’s nice,’ Jeremy said, the remains of a laugh still dancing around his face as the car pulled out of the parking lot. ‘Little office romance.’

‘It’s annoying,’ Jean said, frankly. ‘I hope she gets over it.’

Jeremy looked at him with interest. ‘You don’t approve?’

Jean shrugged. ‘I won't stop them,’ he said, as they started to wander towards the gates. ‘But I won’t be sending them both into the same burning building if they do start dating.’

Jeremy nodded in comprehension. ‘Right,’ he said. ‘Slightly more hazardous than an inappropriate work email.’

‘Right,’ Jean agreed. They fell silent, and Jean realised with horror that the brief topic of Alvarez and Laila had officially come to its conclusion and now they had nothing to say. What was he doing here? He hadn’t had a conversation that wasn’t work related or Kevin-related in hundreds of years. The imminent future reared up before Jean like a horrific, socially limited monster. 

‘So this class you teach at the high school,’ Jeremy said, surprising him by remembering that tiny detail that Jean had mentioned light years ago. ‘Tell me about that.’

And Jean, startled, did just that. 

‘Wait, so you have to like, go into burning buildings for practise?’ Jeremy asked. They were already more than halfway home, or halfway to Jean’s home anyway. 

‘They’re not burning,’ Jean said. ‘It’s a simulation. It feels real. It’s dark and smoky.’

‘Sounds like a bar in West Hollywood,’ Jeremy joked. 

‘Probably the same mood,’ Jean agreed. That made Jeremy laugh; Jean felt like there should be a buzzer and applause in his head every time he made Jeremy laugh. It was like winning a prize. 

‘Honestly, it puts my day job into perspective,’ Jeremy said. ‘Feeling pretty damn sedate right about now.’

‘Nothing about that classroom was sedate,’ Jean said firmly. His hands were in his pockets and the warm wind was blowing leaves across their feet as they made their way into a busier part of town. Jeremy was taking the lead, and Jean didn’t care that they were slightly further away than he technically needed to be.

‘This was a particularly wild day,’ Jeremy agreed. ‘Honestly, I didn’t think I’d be able to stick it a week in there. The kids are just on you _constantly_ , and if you stall for a minute they’ll riot. I wish I could have Katelyn five days a week.’

‘You seemed pretty on top of things,’ Jean said. They waited for the light to change, and Jean angled his body a bit so he could look at him more. 

‘Please, I hardly did anything while you were there,’ Jeremy said. ‘I’m upbeat for approximately five hours of the day, and then I wilt.’

Jean thought he was blooming right now. He couldn’t imagine Jeremy any other way. He probably woke up with a smile.

‘You moved pretty fast when that kid butted in about the crying thing,’ Jean said, inelegantly. He was going for a compliment. It was clumsy even by his standards.

Jeremy shrugged. ‘You move fast or you clean up the mess,’ he explained. ‘Kids come in with so many ideas from home already programmed into their heads. I’m not out here trying to brainwash, but I’m the first real non-familial authority figure these kids have ever had. I have to watch what I say.’

Jean’s head was spinning by the time they got to Jeremy’s apartment building. ‘How far away are you from here?’ Jeremy asked, as they cooled their heels outside.

‘Uh, not too far,’ Jean said vaguely. ‘Just up there.’ He waved in the opposite direction of where he needed to go. 

‘Oh, nice,’ Jeremy said. He smiled again, and Jean felt like taking a picture of the moment. ‘Thanks again’ he added. Jean knew that that was his cue. The walk had been fine, but now Jeremy needed to escape and go talk to his actual friends. 

So Jean said ‘No problem,’ and turned around to talk the extremely long way home. 

‘Jean?’ 

Jean turned around so fast he got whiplash. Jeremy was already smiling. ‘You have my number, right? Renée gave it to you?’

Jean tilted his head, confused. ‘Yeah.’ Was this about getting in touch with Kevin for the police demonstration?

Jeremy nodded. ‘Ok,’ he said. ‘Just making sure.’ He gave Jean a smile that was very different to the ones he’d been getting all afternoon. It was shy, and thoughtful. Jean almost took a step in his direction. 

Jeremy gave him a little wave before stepping inside his building. Jean stood on the pavement for a solid minute before he could make his legs work again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://thetrojeans.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/lazarusthefirst/)


	3. Chapter 3

Jean would like to have claimed that he definitely used Jeremy’s number at the next opportunity. Their professional relationship was now ended and he was free to ask him out, or at least to take advantage of the fact that this was now a potential friendship. 

Sadly, Jean was not built as brave as he appeared. 

It was a busy week for the LAFD. Halloween was just over a month away and they were already on high alert for rogue bonfires. Wildfires and burning buildings took up the vast majority of their time and resources, but some idiot kid with a bottle rocket could set his mom’s curtains on fire and burn down the whole block just as easily as wildfire. Crew 29 went from one domestic fire to another over the next two weeks, culminating in a meth lab blowing up two streets down from a hospital and really rounding off the weekend. They had a toxic cordon up for several hours, and Jean had Matt and Aaron move the engines before the sides could start melting. Crew 29 learned from their mistakes.

‘Man, chemical fires sure are something,’ noted Laila, shielding her eyes despite her protective visor. 

‘Just keep it under control,’ Jean ordered. They’d been joined by three other teams from the 29, and they were all getting a pretty nice tan hanging around with the DEA, waiting for the fire to recede. By the time it was cool enough to approach with the hoses, the sun had was going down and Jean’s stomach was growling. He put his head down with the others and got the fire out, but at the end of the day there was still the forensic investigation to do.

By the time it was safe to crunch around the skeleton of the house, the LAPD had arrived to liaise with the DEA. Jean was letting Laila examine the house ahead of him to see if she could find the origin. The odds leaned heavily in favour of the lab, but with so much destruction it was hard to tell where that was. Jean watched Laila prowl around for a few minutes before getting her report. 

‘Not bad,’ he said, coming up behind her. ‘Ok, get the camera.’

She headed out the front of the house with a big smile on her face, hardly even noticing Kevin. 

‘Not a great look for firefighters at a scene like this,’ Kevin commented grimly, eyeing Laila’s retreating back. 

Jean rolled his eyes. ‘Please don’t come in here,’ he said, throwing an arm in Kevin’s direction. ‘Not without a suit.’

Kevin wouldn’t be caught dead in anything that would obscure his smart shirt and badge, so he retreated outside until Jean felt like talking to him.

‘So?’ he asked when Jean emerged. Kevin looked and sounded annoyingly impatient, as always, so Jean took his time pulling off his helmet and wiping the sweat from his face. 

‘No bodies,’ he said at last. ‘At least, not on the top level. There’s a section in the back that might lead to a basement, but it’s completely caved in. The entire top half will have to be excavated and cooled before we can go digging in there.’ He turned and pointed. ‘Fire originated in the room adjacent to the kitchen. Judging by the way the wall blew out it was likely a small explosion that caused the fire.’

Kevin nodded along and took a few notes, though he could usually recall everything with perfect clarity. ‘We still on for tomorrow?’ he asked, when Jean had finished. 

Jean smothered a sigh of exasperation and then squinted away towards the setting sun. ‘I don’t forget my court dates, Kevin,’ he said dully. 

‘Good,’ said Kevin, pocketing his notebook. ‘So I’ll see you there at - ‘

‘Two fifteen, yes,’ Jean finished, trying not to sound as annoyed as he suddenly felt. Kevin had a way of pissing him off just by breathing, so nagging him about his perfect punctuality was like nails on a chalkboard. ‘And I won’t mouth off like your detective did.’

The muscle in Kevin’s jaw twitched at the mention of Neil Josten, a blow-in rookie detective from some midwest nothing town. He tended to get a little sarcastic on the evidence stand, or so the rumour went. The smouldering fire behind them had nothing on Kevin’s eyes. 

‘Just be there, with your facts straight,’ he said, voice tight. Jean wanted to give him a shove for the insinuation, but he refrained with great dignity. Kevin had always been a sore loser.

‘Lets get a drink tomorrow,’ he said suddenly. ‘After court. Or whenever you’re free.’

It wasn’t unprecedented. Jean and Kevin had a standing order of approximately four catch up evenings per calendar year, excluding birthdays and Thanksgiving. Kevin looked slightly taken aback, given that it was right off the back of a little spat, but Jean had learned long ago that he couldn’t waste time waiting for Kevin to be in a good mood to ask him something.

‘Alright,’ Kevin said slowly. His green eyes watched Jean carefully, partially hidden behind the hair being blown into his eyes by the evening breeze. ‘Usual place?’

Jean nodded. ‘Sure,’ he said. 

There was a pause, and then Kevin asked, ‘Is everything ok?’

It was comforting to know that Kevin hadn’t entirely forgotten about him.

‘Everything’s fine,’ Jean said. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

There was no such thing as coming back to the station after a fire and just collapsing on his bunk. At least, not for Jean. He had to submit his report of the call out to the station chief and evaluate any of their damages, and then organise the replacement or repair of anything that might need it. It wasn’t necessary in a case like this, but he’d spend time talking to everyone who’d been on the scene to make sure none of the carnage had penetrated too deep past the adrenalin. Basically Jean kept going until everyone else had dropped, and then he found his comfy chair in his office and prayed the bell wouldn’t ring again for the rest of the shift.

If he wasn’t too exhausted, Jean also liked to write up his own notes while they were still fresh. He’d go over their findings with the team later before submitting an official report to the LAPD, and then it was case closed for them until someone had to give a statement or testify in court, usually weeks or months later. 

One such occasion was right on his doorstep. Jean had been one of the first responders to a suspected arson attack at a local Italian restaurant in a busy part of town six months ago. Several people had died and dozens injured, not to mention the significant damage to property all along the street on both sides. The resulting blast when the fire had reached the gas line had been so powerful that glass had flown right across the road and in through the windows of the shops and businesses opposite. 

The mayor’s sister had been in the restaurant at the time. It was a huge case, and Kevin had been like a rabid dog until Jean had compiled an extensive report on the origin and cause of the fire. The suspect’s legal team had twelve miles of reasons why the restaurant was a potential fire hazard as their defence, and Jean had had to go through them one by one with Kevin and two other detectives in several long, gruelling meetings to disprove them all. 

Jean knew he had his facts right. He’d compiled the report with the help of Matt and Aaron, and ran it by their station chief Bob Taheny. But he also knew what defence lawyers were like, and at the end of the day it was Jean’s signature on the report. He was fully expecting to be borderline discredited on the stand, so instead of going to bed that night he went instead to a small coffee shop called The Night Owl. It was about a fifteen minute walk from where he lived, but he liked it because it was quiet and stayed open late and the staff were used to insomniacs and people too stressed to sleep coming in and mainlining espresso until the sun came up. No one ever bothered Jean there. 

He purchased a scone and a chai tea, sat himself in the corner with his tablet and a copy of the report, and got to work. He didn’t exactly want to be reading from cue cards, but there were specific words and turns of phrases that he’d been advised - strongly - to use in order to shut down certain lines of questioning. Jean wasn’t bred for deception - he was sure to get something wrong - but at the end of the day the evidence was there and would be submitted to the judge and, hopefully, evaluated on its own merit. And the report was solid, he was sure of that. 

He worked for about forty five minutes before he began chewing the lid of his pen and ordering coffee. By his second espresso he was starting to run his hands through his hair and regret being such a know it all. 

‘Hello.’

It was the kind of voice that could soothe a crying baby at twenty paces. Jean looked up with a relief so strong it was almost painful and met Jeremy’s inquiring gaze with a smile. 

‘Hi,’ said Jean, abandoning his pen. ‘You’re out late.’

Jeremy shrugged, smiling back at him. ‘Couldn’t sleep, went for a walk. Came in here to get a snack.’ He eyed Jean’s table. ‘But this looks far more interesting.’

Jeremy admittedly did look a little worn out. His hair was mussed, like he’d been tossing and turning on it, and there were shadows under his eyes and on his jaw. He was wearing a denim jacket over a grey sweater and dark sweatpants, and Jean found it a relief to see him as someone more relatable than he’d thought Jeremy could be.

Jean gestured to the chair opposite, but Jeremy hesitated. 

‘It looks important,’ he said. ‘Am I interrupting?’

‘Please sit down,’ he begged. ‘I need a break from it.’

So Jeremy ordered a tea - something herbal - and a lemon muffin, and sat himself down opposite Jean. 

‘So what is all this?’ he asked, dunking his teabag. Jean watched him with a flicker of amusement. 

‘You know they have sticks for stirring those,’ he commented, nodding at the cup. 

Jeremy grinned at him. ‘Yeah I know, I just prefer to beat the shit out of it.’ He eyed the report again. ‘Sorry, I’m really nosy. Is it like, classified?’

Jean leaned back in his seat, beyond grateful for the distraction. ‘It’s evidence,’ he said. ‘I’m in court tomorrow.’

‘Shit, what did you do?’

Jeremy’s wide eyes told Jean he was joking. Jean’s mouth twitched, and he gave him an exasperated look before saying ‘It’s my brother’s case. He’s been on my ass about it for weeks.’

Jeremy leaned forward, folding his arms on the table. ‘This is the brother in the LAPD?’ he confirmed, looking interested. 

Jean nodded. ‘He’s a detective,’ he said. 

‘Oh, cool. I thought he was just a cop.’

Jean shook his head, then grinned suddenly at the phrase “just a cop”.

Jeremy’s face lit up in response. ‘What’s funny?’

Jean shook his head, still amused. ‘Nothing,’ he said. ‘I just like the idea of telling Kevin his plainclothes uniform isn’t cool enough to impress a bunch of five year olds.’

Jeremy snorted. ‘Yeah, tell him if he really wants their attention he has to come in the full uniform. Badges, hat, everything.’

Jean rolled his eyes. ‘He’ll take any opportunity to show off,’ he murmured. It was strange talking about Kevin with someone who didn’t already know him. 

‘Do you two get along?’

Jean hesitated for a second. It wasn’t a very straightforward answer but he went with, ‘Mostly, yeah. He’s married now, we don’t see each other that much. And we had a … uh, kind of a difficult childhood.’

Jeremy took a sip of his tea and nodded. ‘Right,’ he said, thankfully not prying into that obvious hesitation. ’So it’s the perfect storm of your brother and your work that’s keeping you up tonight?’

‘That’s it,’ Jean sighed, nodding. Then, eager to change the subject and hear more about Jeremy and less about his own sad childhood, he decided to be brave and ask, ‘What’s your excuse?’

Jeremy’s mouth twisted. It was an interesting little tic; he seemed to do it when mulling over an answer.

‘Work,’ he said, shrugging. ‘Except it never really feels like work these days. The kids … it’s so easy to get attached to them and start taking it personally when you see bad parenting.’

Jean nodded. Rose Hill was a very small school by anyone’s standards; old and slightly run down, it was dwarfed by other schools in the district and was located in the heart of the lower income section of the city. Renée had done her best with the little she’d been given, but there was no getting away from the fact that Jeremy’s class had only about 15-20 students and no afternoons session. 

‘I always thought in college that the poorer schools would have worse discipline problems,’ Jeremy went on, playing with the tag on his teabag. ‘But it’s just a different set of problems. Honestly, the wealthy parents are the worst. I did my teaching experience at Samuel Green Prep and the kids there were entitled little monsters.’ He shrugged, looking downcast. ‘But at Rose Hill I’ve got issues like language barriers and kids who come to school hungry and with empty lunch boxes. I started last year’s class with twenty five students. By March, I only had eighteen. I had to go knocking on doors.’ 

Jean found himself moved by the emotion in Jeremy’s voice. He sounded weary but determined, like he was ready to go knocking on all those doors again for his students. 

‘Wish I’d had a teacher like you,’ he said abruptly, surprising both of them. He could feel his ears going pink as Jeremy stared at him. ‘I mean,’ he amended. ‘Someone willing to step outside of office hours for his students.’

Jean had imagined many times what might have happened if a teacher had come looking for him during one of his many absences from class. It was a road that there was no point in going down anymore. 

‘Well, I only hope it’s doing some good,’ Jeremy said, stifling a yawn. ‘I don’t want to get anyone into trouble, including myself or Renée.’ Then he looked up as a thought occurred to him. ‘Hey I meant to ask, how do you know Renée?’

Jean chose the standard abridge version of his history with Renée that he provided to everyone who asked. ‘She grew up on the same street as Kevin and I,’ he said. ‘She’s two years older than me but we kept in touch after high school. It’s just a coincidence that all three of us ended up here.’

’So you’re not all from LA?’

Jean looked at him dryly. ‘Well, I’m clearly not,’ he said. Jeremy made a face at him, and they both laughed. ‘Kevin’s mother was Irish but he grew up in Connecticut. Renée’s from Brooklyn.’

‘And where was this childhood street?’

‘Birdhill, Virginia,’ Jean said, just about managing to hide his distaste. ‘From ages twelve to eighteen.’ 

‘And where were you before that?’

Jeremy hadn’t missed how Jean had dodged the question. ‘France,’ he said, quietly. ‘Until our house burned down and I had to come here and stay with my uncle.’

Jeremy’s face softened. ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ he said. ‘That’s terrible.’

Jean shrugged. ‘I wasn’t there,’ he lied. It was so much easier than the truth. ‘I don’t remember it.’

Silence fell between them, as it always did when Jean revealed that particular piece of information. This is why he didn’t like speed-dating. 

‘Where are you from?’ he asked, trying to recover the situation.

Jeremy smiled, but it was a smaller cousin to his usual toothy grin. ‘Lancaster, California.’

That fond little smile was enchanting. ‘What was it like?’

Jeremy sighed. ‘Pretty much the same as it is today,’ he said. ‘Blue skies, poppy fields, desert in almost every direction. The occasional airplane and country fair.’

‘You liked it?’

‘I almost never left,’ Jeremy admitted. ‘My dad died after my sisters had all gone to college, but I’d taken a year out to work and make some money. I guess I wasn’t ready for more education yet. Then dad died and mom kind of went all quiet, and I ended up staying for two and a half years more.’

Jean frowned. ‘So what made you leave?’

Jeremy smiled. ‘She did,’ he said. ‘I came home from work one day and she’d packed my bags and loaded them into the car. She kept crying and saying she was holding me back and that I was wasting my life waiting for her to be ok.’ He snorted gently. ‘It wasn’t so bad. I took her out for one last meal and we got ice cream. I dropped her off at home, and then I drove out here and applied for late admission.’

He finished with a little shrug and a smile. ‘Worked out ok.’

They regarded each other for a few moments. Then Jean asked ‘Is she ok now?’

Jeremy’s smile faded slightly. ‘Ah, she died two years ago. But we called every week and texted every day … yeah, I think she was ok.’

Jean hated the turn the conversation had taken, but he couldn’t help but feel privileged at being confided in like this. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said. 

Jeremy tapped the edge of his teacup distractedly. ‘Well, that’s the thing about parents, I guess,’ he said slowly. ‘They’re the first people you rely on, but they won’t always be there for you. It’s a hard lesson to learn - I dread the day it comes up at school - but it’s a reminder that we’ve gotta have other people in our lives, you know?’ He smiled at Jean, and Jean was powerless to do anything but smile back.

A lingering melancholy touched Jeremy’s eyes still, ever since he’d mentioned his mother. Jean took another stab at being brave.

‘I’m going to talk to Kevin tomorrow,’ he said. ‘After court. About coming in to see the kids. We - we might even be able to arrange a tour of the fire station, if you think it’ll help.’

Jeremy immediately brightened. ‘Oh, do you think so? That would be amazing - are you sure?’

‘Yeah, I’ll sort it out,’ Jean said, like it was nothing. Like he just did favours for friends all the time. 

Jeremy narrowed his eyes. ‘I feel like I’m taking advantage of you. I just want to state for the record that I’m not stalking you for work reasons. I do actually like you.’

Jean’s heart skipped several beats. ‘I like - I do too. I know you’re not - stalking me, or whatever.’

Jeremy was back to looking cheerful again. ‘Ok, good,’ he said. ‘I was beginning to worry you were gonna lose my number on purpose.’ There was a glint in his eyes that made Jean so, so nervous. Jeremy held his gaze for a few long, deliberate moments, and then he blinked and glanced away.

‘Alright,’ Jeremy murmured, lips twitching. ‘I guess it’s time for me to go.’

‘You don’t have to,’ Jean said feebly. 

Jeremy smiled at him. ‘You should go too, Jean. You’ll get your ass kicked if you fall asleep on the stand. Can’t let that be my fault.’

‘Thank you for the company,’ Jean said quietly, as Jeremy stood up. 

Jeremy nodded. ‘Any time,’ he said, easily. Then he cocked an eyebrow. ’Seriously.’ Jean remained tongue tied as Jeremy left the café,

This whole running joke about wanting to hang out was starting to wear on Jean a little. He couldn’t keep hanging around cafés and hoping that he bumped into Jeremy in a city of four million. 

Jean brooded at the little table for another while longer before finally giving up and wandering home. He regretted not leaving when Jeremy had; he could have pretended to be going the same way again and made sure he got home safely, thus prolonging the conversation. He couldn’t remember eve having that impulse before.

Once home, he passed into a state of pre-sleep consciousness where he could focus on those brown eyes and the reassuring, comforting presence that Jeremy carried with him everywhere. Jean had heard before about people just “clicking”, and because it had never remotely happened to him he hadn’t believed it. It had taken him almost two years to get used to Kevin. He knew in his heart that the only reason he was still close with Renée is because she hadn’t let him drift away. 

But things were just easy with Jeremy. Maybe he was just such a good conversationalist that even Jean couldn’t manage to be awkward, but Jean felt comfortable with him. Once he was in Jeremy’s presence, he never wanted to leave. It was infatuation on the most basic level. Puppy love, he thought, disparagingly. Maybe he should download Tinder, or whatever gay Tinder was. He knew he never would, but that didn’t stop him from bullying himself with those kind of thoughts. 

Jean slept well, and awoke ready to take on both the defence and his brother. He had one good court suit that doubled and tripled as his suit for funerals, weddings, and applying for a loan. At least he filled it out well. 

He thought about waiting until the last second to arrive but Kevin would be no good to them if he was having a coronary. So Jean showed up twenty minutes early and let Kevin pace back and forth and drill him on the most basic things, because he was nervous and also Jean’s brother. 

Jean managed to find an inner calm while on the stand and refused to be ruffled by the defense attorney who criticised his age, logic, and reading comprehension. He ploughed on with the facts, smiled for the judge, and didn’t bother to wait around for the verdict. Kevin called him later with a rare smile in his voice and asked that they meet an hour earlier than planned.

The establishment they frequented for these little get togethers was a small Irish bar in a quiet part of town. It played old folksy music and had good whiskey, and they could hear themselves talk. Jean arrived and ordered two measures of Red Stag, then sat down trying not to think about Jeremy until Kevin arrived. 

The first drink consumed, they quickly switched to something about ten dollars less expensive and started talking. Normally it was hard to get two consecutive words out of Kevin, but he usually made an effort on nights like this. And he was in a very good mood; Jean noted two full smiles in the first twenty minutes. 

‘I take it you got your verdict, then?’ Jean asked, enjoying how the Red Stag went down. He was a simple man, but he did like his whiskey. 

Kevin nodded, uncommonly animated. ‘Yes,’ he said, with a savage grin. It faded as quickly as it had come, but the lights were on full blast behind his eyes. ‘Nailed that fucker.’

‘Good,’ Jean said, amused. ‘Glad I could help.’

Kevin eyed him. ‘You’re in a good mood,’ he said accusingly.

‘Says you,’ retorted Jean. 

Kevin blinked at him for a few moments. Then he said, ‘Thea’s pregnant.’

Jean raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh,’ he said. No breakdown, no hesitation … What version of Kevin Day was this?

‘I’m fine,’ Kevin added.

‘Good,’ Jean agreed. ‘You sound fine.’

‘I am.’

‘Good.’ Then, after a beat, ‘Congratulations.’

They finished their drinks, and when Jean looked at Kevin again he saw a tiny, real smile tugging at the edges of his mouth. 

‘I know you’re already godfather to Renée’s kid,’ Kevin went on abruptly. ‘But Thea’s only got sisters, so.’

Kevin’s good mood only afforded him so much emotional output. Jean hid his own smile and responded, ‘Sure. Thank you.’

Kevin nodded again. Job done, he raised his hand to the bartender for two more.

‘So,’ he said, once the glasses were full again. ‘That’s my excuse. What’s yours?’

He meant being happy. This really was a bizarre topic of conversation for the two of them. ‘Hey I have a favour to ask you,’ he said, before the mood turned. ‘The kindergarten class at Renée’s school is looking for a few people from the LAPD to do a talk for them. Something really kid-friendly, you know. You can’t scare them like the high schoolers.’ He watched Kevin carefully. ‘Be good practise for you.’

Kevin thought hard about this. ‘Ok,’ he said. ‘Andrew and Neil can do it.’

‘And you,’ Jean prompted, thinking with horror about the stone cold faces of Kevin’s partner and his rookie boyfriend. ‘It’s a favour for me, Kevin. Their teacher is a friend.’

Under normal circumstances this would have been giving away far too much information, but Kevin was distracted by the thought of children and how he was supposed to relate to them.

‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I’ll call Renée and work something out.’

Jean clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Thank you,’ he said, very pleased with himself. 

‘You still haven’t answered my question.’

Jean lifted one shoulder, feeling much lighter. ‘I met someone,’ he said. The words came out easy, like this was something normal that he said out loud to people, not just wistfully in his head. 

Kevin was of the same opinion. ‘You did?’ he asked, raising an eyebrow. ‘Who?’

Jean picked up his drink again and glanced away. ‘Just someone. Nothing’s happened. It’s just … nice.’

Kevin took a while to process this. ‘Well, good,’ he said finally. ‘I’d like to meet him when you’re ready.’ 

Jean thought by now they had surely exceeded their standard repertoire of words and phrases, as this was a level of consideration he had literally never heard from Kevin before. Jean had known immediately upon meeting her that Thea could only be good for his brother, but the prospect of a baby seemed to actually be giving him a third dimension.

They passed a few more words about the people in their lives. Kevin reported briefly that Andrew and Neil were still alive and functioning in much the same way as normal humans did, and then talked for fifteen minute about Thea and her job and how she wanted to decorate the nursery. For his part, Jean relayed some things about Renée and her little family, including Noah’s first wobbly steps and Alison’s promotion. It amazed him that he still had so much to say after he was done telling Kevin about Grishkin and the bee. All of it was Jeremy-related - how was he already taking up more space than his brother and his best friend combined?

Neither of them were overly verbose, but they liked to leave about twenty minutes between each separate thought, so it was after midnight by the time they called it a night. Kevin had work the next day and Jean was on call, which meant that he’d spend the whole day pushing Grishkin off his paperwork, and praying that his pager didn’t go off. 

‘Oh, I almost forgot,’ Kevin said, as they stepped outside into the breezy night. ‘It’s Neil’s birthday party on Saturday. Nicky’s organising it, and I have to bring someone that isn’t Thea. Will you come?’

 _You need to get out more._ Jean nodded before he could make up an excuse. Kevin seemed satisfied with that, and said, ‘I’ll tell Nicky. He’s sending details, or something. Anyways, good talk.’

Jean nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he agreed. ‘Hey, tell Thea I said congratulations.’

Kevin nodded, that little smile reappearing like magic. ‘I will,’ he said, quietly. He’d checked his phone a record three times while they’d been inside. This was definitely a whole new Kevin. ’See you Saturday, then.’

The night was warm, and Jean felt like walking. He wasn’t drunk, but the evening had given him a lot to think about. His mind kept running over the way he’d said “I met someone” and the confident feeling it had given him. Technically it was true. He had met someone who he liked very much, and it was making him happy. A whole world of firsts for him. 

And maybe he was a little more intoxicated than he thought, because he found himself scrolling through his phone until he found Jeremy’s number. It was programmed into his phone very impersonally (Knox, Jeremy). Jean tapped around until it read just “Jeremy” and then hit the message icon. 

They hadn’t texted before; the blank space was daunting. But Jean wanted what Kevin had.

 

_Hey, my brother won his case and I didn’t faceplant on the witness stand. Thanks for the talk last night. Jean_

 

The act made him giddy, and he’d scampered all the way home before he remembered to check for a reply. 

 

_That’s awesome! I don’t know how I helped, but any time Jean ;)_

 

He didn’t sign his name. That made sense, because he knew Jean had his number. There was also the matter of the wink emoji at the end of the text that Jean was too overstimulated to cope with. He’d deal with it tomorrow. Jean went to bed feeling like his whole world was getting bigger, and maybe he’d finally be able to get started on the life that everyone else seemed to be right in the middle of. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's no Birdhill in Virginia but I didn't want to badmouth a perfectly good town. There is a Birdhill in Limerick, Ireland. It's a very nice place


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bitch was under the weather this week and so got approx zero (0) things written. Here's an extra long, only half-beta'd chapter to make up for it. Work.

Friday brought both LA’s yearly day of rain and Jean’s monthly fire training and safety class. Each month he went to a different high school’s senior class and spent more time glaring at them all than he did actually teaching. Originally, the class had been intended for students who actually wanted to go into the public safety sector. That had been more Jean’s style, since the questions were informed and curious. When the school authorities started to claim that it was a waste of class time if all the students couldn’t benefit from the health and safety advice, Jean’s modest little classes became crowded with kids who would rather be anywhere else. He spent a lot of the time glaring them into submission, since he couldn’t actually tell them to shut up.

His class wasn’t until ten but he liked to get there a little early so that he could get set up. The last class hadn’t been sufficiently scared of the hazards your average firefighter had to deal with when people got careless with their bonfires and cigarettes. Two of the students had used the time to sleep, while several others had been secretly studying under the desk. This time, Jean had a powerpoint presentation. 

As he crawled through the usual morning traffic he spotted someone familiar standing in the pouring rain. He was waiting for the bus, which was likely already late, and looked half soaked. The traffic wasn’t going anywhere so Jean dug out his phone. Early morning bravery. 

Jean watched him fumble around for the phone. ‘Hello?’

‘You wanna get out of the rain?’ Jean asked, smiling as Jeremy spun around looking for him. He rolled down the window and waved his hand.

‘Oh my god,’ Jeremy said on the other end of the phone. ‘Are you serious? You’re going my way?’

‘Get in before the lane moves,’ Jean said, trying to smother his excitement. 

He hung up and watched Jeremy weave between the cars. Jean remembered just in time to unlock his doors.

Jeremy brought a shower of rain in with him, droplets landing all over the dash and the seat. He ran a hand over his face and grinned at Jean. ‘What amazing timing you have, Jean Moreau,’ he said, sending a shiver of happiness down Jean’s spine. ‘I was two minutes away from Ubering it, and teacher’s salaries don’t take kindly to spontaneous Ubers.’

‘No problem,’ said Jean. ‘I hate the radio, anyway.’

Jeremy made a face at him. ‘Glad I could help relieve your boredom,’ he joked. ‘How did you spot me?’

Jean almost answered, then saw how wet Jeremy was. ‘You’re soaked,’ he said. ’Take off your jacket, throw it in the back.’

Jeremy obliged, and Jean suffered a long moment of watching Jeremy wriggle around trying to get his jacket off in the confined space of the car.  Underneath he was wearing a blue v-neck t-shirt and a light grey cardigan; coat off, the now familiar scent of him filled the car. Jean wondered if he’d be able to drive in these conditions. 

The rain pounded the windscreen, and the traffic stayed stubbornly where it was. ‘Everyone forgets how to drive in the rain,’ Jean muttered. Then he added, ‘It was the pink ribbon.’

Jeremy blinked at him. ‘Sorry?’

Jean looked over at him. ‘The pink ribbon on your bag, that’s how I spotted you.’

Jeremy smiled. ‘Oh, that. My mom used to do that. She had one of those generic black women’s handbags. She’d go to all these clubs and classes with her friends and they’d all leave their handbags down under the same table, and then go get hopped up on tea and cake. Mom tied a pink ribbon around the strap part so she’d know which was hers straight away.’

‘And you have similar issues?’ Jean quirked an eyebrow at him.

‘Nah,’ Jeremy said, fondly. ‘It’s just how I like to remember her.’

Jean thought about that. ‘Nice idea,’ he said quietly, hopelessly charmed.

‘Do you do anything like that?’ Jeremy asked. ‘Little mementos to remember your parents?’

Jean tapped his fingers on the steering wheel. ‘My parents didn’t leave much of an impression on me,’ he admitted. 

‘Oh,’ said Jeremy. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed.’ Concern threaded through his voice.

Jean waved his hand. ‘It’s ok, I’m over it. Them. They were just - not really there. I’m still pretty annoyed that they never bothered teaching me English, but other than that …’ He finished his sentence with a shrug. 

That was more than his therapist had gotten out of him after a year of sessions. 

Jeremy was quiet for a few moments. ‘Not quite the right morning drive talk,’ he said, ruefully, looking down at his hands. ‘I tend to pry into my kids lives, to make sure they’re doing ok. Sometimes that carries over into my personal life. I didn’t mean to do it with you.’ He looked at Jean. ‘I do like talking to you, Jean, but you can tell me to stop if you want.’

Jean was spared having to answer by the traffic, which had suddenly started moving. He took the opportunity to concentrate on something other than Jeremy’s quiet, sincere voice until they had moved into the next lane and taken their exit. 

Normally he’d just slide right out of a conversation like this. But Jeremy, for some reason, wanted to know about him. Jean hardly knew about himself, but the little he did know he thought he might like to share with Jeremy.

‘I don’t normally talk that much,’ he said. His voice was quiet, just loud enough to be heard over the rain. ‘If I didn’t want to answer you, I wouldn’t.’ 

That was the best he could explain it. 

‘Maybe we could talk more, some time,’ added Jean. ‘Somewhere that’s not my car on the way to work.’

Jeremy beamed at him. ‘That’d be great,’ he said. ‘Yeah, I’d really like that, Jean.’ A brief pause. ‘We should definitely hang out.’

Terrific, thought Jean. On the bright side, he definitely had a friend now. 

The rest of the drive passed in comfortable silence. Jean was certainly used to not talking with someone, but rarely was it so stress-free. Jeremy didn’t fidget or pull out his phone; he seemed quite content to sit next to Jean and leave them both to their thoughts.

As Jean approached the school, Jeremy said, ‘You can just let me off here if it’s easier.’

‘I’ve got time,’ Jean said. It was still raining very hard. He swung into the school grounds and then crawled very slowly to the side of the kindergarten building, alert for any stray children. When he was parking, he caught Jeremy looking at him with amusement, but not like he was laughing at him.

‘No charge,’ Jean added, pulling the handbrake. Jeremy snorted, and reached around for his coat.

‘Well, this was a very nice change from my usual morning commute,’ he said, unbuckling his seat belt. ‘Thank you for stopping.’

‘Any time,’ Jean said, echoing Jeremy’s earlier sentiments. Judging by how Jeremy’s lips twitched, he remembered. 

‘Well, I’ve gotta made sure you don’t give me a bad review,’ Jeremy said, digging around in his backpack. He took out a large Tupperware container - one of two - and cracked open the lid. The delicious smell of freshly baked goods filled the car, something Jean had only ever associated with Renée in the past. 

‘So these are nut, diary, and gluten free,’ Jeremy explained. He looked up at Jean with an apologetic smile. ‘We have a lot of allergies this year. These are basically just cherry-flavoured nothins’, really.’ He looked down at the container. ‘The cherry’s good, though,’ he added. 

Jean’s eyes drifted over the smooth curve of Jeremy’s neck as he bent over the container. Being this close to Jeremy in such a confined space was making him hyperaware of all the little things about him that he liked. His hair, his eyes, his smile, the scent of his skin … 

He was so sweet, Jean thought, watching him. His eyes drifted down to Jeremy’s hands and fingers. Some distant, quiet part of Jean wondered what they’d feel like on his skin. 

‘Here,’ Jeremy said, having made his selection. He offered Jean a small cupcake with a pink J iced on the top.

‘Whose name am I taking?’ Jean asked dubiously.

Jeremy smiled. ‘Oh, I had mine last night. This was just in case my sweet tooth couldn’t cope.’ 

He offered it to Jean again. ‘Come on, I insist.’

Jean still hesitated. ‘Will you share it with me?’

There was a beat of silence as Jeremy blinked at him. And then he was smiling again - oh that sweet, sweet smile. Jean’s heart trembled as he stared down this unknown path.

‘Alright,’ agreed Jeremy. ‘Let’s do it.’

So between the two of them they halved the cupcake in the wrapper. Jeremy bumped his half against Jean and said ‘Bon appétit’, and then they ate in silence for a minute. 

‘These aren’t as bad as I remember them being last night,’ Jeremy commented.

Jean nodded. ‘I like cherry,’ he said.

‘Yeah?’

Jean nodded.

’They your favourite fruit?’

Jean nodded again. ‘My brother and I used to fight over them as kids. They weren’t always in season. Someone always got stuck with the grapes. I used to flick them at Kevin’s head.’

Jeremy laughed, filling the car with his mirth and energy. Jeremy made him want to drive away with him and talk until Jean learned how to laugh like that. 

Jeremy’s laughter faded but his smile remained, casting a gentle glow on Jean’s face. 

‘I’m going to be late,’ he said softly. ‘I have to unlock the classroom.’

Jean nodded, but didn’t encourage him to leave. Jeremy put the lid of the container back on and slid it into his backpack, but he was moving slowly. He folded his jacket over his arm and pulled his backpack into his lap, then looked at Jean. 

‘See you,’ he said. One last little smile. And then he was gone, entering the rainy outside and leaving Jean feeling both startled and pleased. The smell of cupcakes and of Jeremy lingered in his car for the rest of the morning.

At the high school, Jean couldn’t find it in his heart to scare the kids like he’d planned to. Or at least, not as thoroughly. Instead he found himself appealing to their emotional sides - the lives that fires affected and the families that were torn apart. Once a fire starts it’s almost impossible to put out without a firefighting team, he explained. It spreads too quickly. There’s nothing you can do once it starts, except get out. 

The more Jean interacted with today’s batch of students, the more he tried to reconcile them with the herd of innocent five year olds he’d met in Jeremy’s class. How did they get from there to here, he wondered. Was it smooth sailing or had any of them suffered as he and Kevin had? Jean looked around and saw a lot of shadowed eyes and tired faces … Probably just usual senior stress, he thought. At least they were here. They were still coming to school, and he would do his best for them in the hour he was given. 

There were a few shaken expressions by the end of his class, and a lot of questions. Jean let them talk and discuss right up to the bell, and then he directed them to a few websites where they could find out more about joining the LAFD. By anyone’s standards, it had been a good class. He wanted to tell Jeremy. Maybe he’d text him later. Maybe he’d do it as soon as he was back in the safety of his car. 

In the end, he didn’t do anything like that. He got into his car and drove home and then spent a long time sitting on the floor with Grishkin and staring at his phone. He still had the taste of cherries in his mouth. 

 

*

 

Jean was working a night shift that same Friday, which suited him fine. The party was Saturday night, and he had Sunday off. Out of everyone on his roster he handled the irregular hours and alternating day/night shifts the best. He’d never been a great sleeper - leftovers from his childhood - so even though he liked to make Laila and Alvarez’s lives difficult he usually took the awkward sequence of shifts where possible. It wasn’t like he had anything else going on.

The station was quiet, with most of the crew trying to get some sleep where they could. Many a rookie firefighter tried to stay up all night, alert for the alarm bell, then faded hard when the adrenalin did. Jean used the time to catch up on paperwork, or his own thoughts. 

Tonight, though, Jean’s thoughts were crowded. He found it very hard to concentrate on anything work related as he mentally rotated concepts like texting Jeremy and inviting him to the party. But practicality won out in the end; if he was ever to meet someone and stop daydreaming about unattainable school teachers then he had to start getting out there. That’s what people kept saying to him, so it had to be true. Jean was never very good at being in tune with the rest of society, try as he might to keep up. He’d secretly hoped for a while that Kevin had missed the same fundamental lessons that he had growing up, but then Kevin had found Thea and attracted a group of friends, and moved on. Only Jean seemed to be stuck in the same ditch that his youth had left him in. 

The night passed uneventfully, and Jean was able to get some sleep. At 7am he handed things over to Seth, the staff manager of the next shift, and headed home to his cat. 

Jean slept until about half ten and then got up and tried to act normally for the day. He did all of his usual day-off activities; laundry, grocery shopping, exercise, and cleaning his apartment. He spent forty-five minutes facilitating a battle between Grishkin and the rainbow snake-on-a-string until all three of them were sufficiently worn out, and then they all watched the sports channel until it was what Jean considered to be an acceptable time to get ready for the party. 

Jean changed his outfit three times while trying to pretend that this wasn’t some sort of pivotal night for him, but he couldn’t stop thinking that if he was ever going to start changing his life this was the kind of thing he needed. Baby steps into the world of people and relationships until maybe his problems wouldn’t seem so intimidating and impossible to discuss with anyone. Jean had been staring at the thorny wall of his past for so long - and indeed, sheltering behind it sometimes - that he couldn’t begin to imagine how he would navigate someone else through it. 

But, he thought, brushing his hair in the bathroom mirror, tonight could be a start. Grishkin sat on the bathroom countertop, watching him. He bumped faces with her for good luck, and then called a cab.

The invitation had been forwarded to him by Nicky Hemmick, one of Kevin’s colleagues, who was also hosting the party. The detectives from Kevin’s precinct were a rowdy bunch, to the point where Jean sometimes wondered how Kevin fit in to it all. But they seemed like a close group so Jean was expecting a large police presence at the party. He’d probably know a few people. It was a good start. 

Nicky’s place was a large apartment with very high ceilings and big windows, and it was already crowded with people by the time Jean arrived. His instinct was to slip in unnoticed and he almost did so before catching himself. The whole point of being here was to meet people, and that was what he was going to do. But he could get a drink first. Just so he had something to do with his hands. 

He looked around for Kevin as he made himself a vodka tonic from the very well-stocked liquor table. He saw Thea over by the window talking to someone he didn’t recognise, but no Kevin. Feeling slightly intimidated - he needed a starting off point, after all - he eyed up the room, searching for someone he knew who didn’t look busy. To his surprise, he saw Matt Boyd talking to a short woman with even shorter hair. Jean thought he vaguely recognised her. Had he seen her around the station? Matt was the sort to have a girlfriend, Jean thought. Maybe his girlfriend knew Neil.

The next person he saw was Aaron, which surprised him for a second purely because he wasn’t used to his work life mixing with his Kevin-life. Then he shook himself for being an idiot; he’d met Kevin’s partner before, and done the double-take then. Andrew was nowhere in sight, and neither were Neil or Kevin. Jean considered going over to Aaron to be his best option, and then he saw whose hand he was holding. 

Jean definitely knew this person. She was leggy and blonde, and at least a head taller than Aaron. Jean blinked in surprise, and then she noticed him. 

‘Jean!’ she enthused, dragging a startled Aaron over to him. ‘Hi, it’s Katelyn! Remember, from Rose Hill?’

‘Hi,’ said Jean, thoroughly taken aback. ‘I didn’t know you’d be here - either of you. Hey, Aaron.’

‘Jean,’ Aaron said shortly. He wasn’t the most talkative guy, but he definitely looked to be in a bad mood. ‘Forgot you’d be here.’

‘How do you know Neil?’ Katelyn asked. She was a very engaging kind of person, and Jean turned to her gratefully. 

‘Uh, Kevin,’ he said. ‘He’s my - ’

‘Brother!’ Katelyn exclaimed. ‘Right! I don’t know how I didn’t put this together. Aaron never talks about work, I’ve only met Matt and Laila a few times.’

Jean wondered when Matt and Laila had been hanging out. 

‘So you two are in the same station? I never heard yours,’ she said to Jean. ‘And you’ve been saying his name wrong at home,’ she added, glaring at Aaron. ‘I thought it was “John”.’

Wouldn’t be the first, thought Jean.

‘We only found out about this last minute, actually,’ Katelyn said, glancing at Aaron. ‘Andrew, uh, forgot to tell us.’

‘He didn’t forget,’ Aaron muttered. 

‘Kevin here?’ Jean asked desperately.

Katelyn nodded. ‘Yeah, he’s doing a drinks run with Andrew. Nicky sent them both out to, ah, cool off.’

Most of Jean’s information came through Kevin, so it was scant at best, but Matt liked to talk and so did Thea, so Jean knew that Aaron and Andrew’s relationship was somewhat strained. As he glanced around for something to say he saw Neil come out of one of the bedrooms with, of all people, Renée. Somehow almost everyone in Jean’s life were colliding in the same room. 

‘Renée’s here,’ he said weakly. Katelyn looked over in surprise and gulped. ‘Uh oh,’ she said. ‘Boss lady. Aaron, you win.’

‘Yesss,’ Aaron crowed quietly, fishing around in his pocket and handing a set of car keys to Katelyn. ‘Jean, what are you having?’

Jean, in his shock, had swallowed the rest of his drink very quickly. He allowed Aaron to refill it while watching Renée out of the corner of his eye. How had he failed to notice Allison’s furry pink coat hanging up inside the door? She’d paraded around in it all night when he’d called over last month. He didn’t know how she wore it in LA at any time of the year, but Renée always said that Allison never let the weather stop her from dressing exactly how she liked. 

The room continued to fill as more people arrived. Kevin and Andrew arrived back looking windswept and carrying several bottles of liquor. Neil immediately gravitated towards Andrew and pulled him away, leaving Kevin to weather a hissed rebuke from Thea alone. As soon as she was done and making a beeline for Allison, Jean moved in to rescue him.

‘You probably deserved that,’ he said, as Kevin opened his mouth. 

Kevin glared at him in response. ‘I did not,’ he retorted. ‘The twins were fighting. All I did was tell Aaron to fuck off. ’

Jean gave him a flat look. ’And that didn’t thrill her? Wow, I guess pregnancy really does change a woman.’

‘Shut up,’ Kevin said, but there was no heat in it. Reminding him of the pregnancy seemed to have the mellowing effect on him that historically only alcohol could achieve.

‘Why is Renée here?’ Jean asked, lowering his voice slightly. ‘Does she know Neil?’

Kevin glanced at him. ‘ _You_ don’t know Neil,’ he reminded him. 

‘I know Neil,’ Jean said sullenly. He’d struggled to remember his surname briefly in the car and had absolutely no idea how old he was, but they’d conversed before. At least once. 

‘Renée actually knows Andrew,’ Kevin explained. His arms were folded and he was looking hungrily at Jean’s drink. ‘From when she was working at the rehab place downtown.’

That made sense. Jean had been told he could have benefitted from a spell or two there himself, but instead of taking the advice he’d taken offence and sworn never to go. That had been the worst fight he’d ever had with Renée; he’d actually upset her. Jean counted that as one of his darkest memories.

‘I feel like all the people I know in the world are here,’ Jean said, passing Kevin his drink before he snatched it right out of his hand. 

Kevin didn’t give him the _you need to get out more_ speech, but Jean knew he was thinking it. He was just about to tell Kevin about Katelyn, when the front door opened again and the words fell right out of his mouth.

‘Do you know him, too?’ Kevin asked, following Jean’s gaze. 

Jean stared at Jeremy, who was taking off his coat and already talking animatedly to two people and looking incredibly, unfairly handsome. How was he here? Why was he here? Jean was _trying,_ for God’s sake. Now he’d just be trying to catch glimpses of him all night and be completely unable to make any new friends. Jean took the drink back from Kevin and finished it. 

‘Hey!’ Kevin protested. 

‘Get your own,’ said Jean, handing the empty glass back to him and retreating quickly into the crowd.

He was briefly comforted by the fact that Jeremy was the kind of person who would probably make friends with everyone in the room by the time Jean had done one lap of the party. He’d never get near him. It wasn’t enough to make Jean forget he was there, but he could make an attempt at talking with someone else in the meantime. 

He found Neil lurking beside a tall potted plant in the corner. There were a lot of plants in the apartment. 

‘Eric’s a botanist,’ Neil said, when Jean commented on the plants, for lack of literally anything better to say besides “Happy Birthday”. When Jean looked blank he added ‘Nicky’s husband.’

‘Oh,’ Jean said. ‘Right.’

‘Yeah,’ said Neil. He was as talkative as Aaron. Jean wondered if the two got along.

‘I work with Aaron,’ he said, testing the waters. 

Neil rolled his eyes, and Jean mentally crossed Aaron off his list of topics to talk about. ‘What’s that like?’ he asked, humourless.

Jean shrugged. ‘Well, according to Katelyn he’s been calling me “John”, so apparently not great. Guess I know who’s on the Saturday shift next.’

To his surprise, Neil smiled. ‘Aaron and Andrew don’t get along,’ he said. He looked at Jean. ‘A bit like you and Kevin, I guess.’

Jean and Kevin got along just fine when one of them was drunk and the other was repressing so many memories he was practically incapable of normal speech. But Neil was technically correct. 

‘We used to be worse,’ he told Neil. It was almost to the point where he could smile about it. ‘We fought like cats.’

‘I think Kevin brings that out in people,’ Neil said frankly, getting a return smile out of Jean. 

They exchanged a few more words - mostly about Kevin and their respective jobs - and Jean was starting to count this exchange as a firm win on tonight’s agenda. He was gaining confidence, as Neil seemed to be conversationally on the same level as him, and was considering bringing up something more controversial, like sports or politics, when Neil’s head suddenly whipped up. He reminded Jean of Grishkin when she’d spotted a bird on the balcony. 

’Shit,’ Neil said. Jean saw Andrew and Aaron squaring up just as Neil shot off towards them. It took Jean a few seconds to realise that Neil had shoved his drink into Jean’s hand and that Jean was now holding it. A quick taste told him it was just soda so Jean headed directly for the drinks table once more. 

While minor scuffles ensued down the other end of the room, Jean busied himself with selecting the nicest vodka. The tonic water was running low, but he had no problem drinking it neat. It would make him slow down, if nothing else. He eventually went with the Grey Goose and took a contemplative sip as someone shouted Andrew’s name in anger behind him. 

‘Weathering the storm?’ a voice asked. Jean smothered a groan and took another large sip before turning around. 

‘Hello,’ Jeremy said pleasantly. Jean had never been so effectively disarmed before as he was by that little smile. 

‘Hi,’ he said, shoulders slumping in defeat as he smiled back. ‘What storm?’

Jeremy shook his head in amusement as definite punches were being thrown in the background. ‘Uh, I’m told it’s kind of standard for them,’ he said, skittering a little towards Jean as the crowd swelled in reaction to whatever was going on. ‘Ok, yikes. Didn’t expect this.’

Jean, amused, turned his body so his back was to the crowd and Jeremy could get a little shelter. ‘Kevin’s natural aura tends to bring this out in people,’ he said, his body flush with happiness at being so close to Jeremy. ‘I also think the twins hate each other.’

Jeremy peered around Jean’s body. ‘That’s a shame,’ he murmured. ‘Especially for Katelyn.’ 

Jean had become distracted. He was admiring Jeremy’s outfit for this evening, a well-fitted burgundy shirt paired with a deep blue bow tie. Jean had never seen anyone wear a bow tie before, other than at weddings. He hadn’t known they could be worn informally. Jean was feeling rather underdressed in his plain shirt, even if it was a particularly nice shade of blue. 

Then Jeremy looked back at Jean. ‘Hey!’ he said, brightening. ‘You know the twins.’

‘I do,’ said Jean, nodding. ‘Andrew is my brother’s partner. Partner at work, I mean. Not partner at - home.’

Jeremy grinned. ‘Yes, I’ve met Neil,’ he said. ‘Katelyn and I went out for drinks when she first started, so I met Aaron then. And Renée was with Neil one day in her office when I had to call in for something. We walked out together, and Andrew was waiting for him. Man, Andrew does _not_ like being called Aaron.’ Jeremy laughed, shaking his head. ‘I just assumed he was meeting Katelyn.’

Jean could imagine. The scuffle seemed to have died down and the party was resuming as normal, but Jeremy made no move to step back out of Jean’s space. 

‘And I met Neil at an LA Kings game, once,’ Jeremy added. ‘We hung out afterwards.’

That made sense, Jean thought. Jeremy’s magnetism couldn’t be ignored by even the most socially reclusive of people. Jean could testify to that.

‘I’m surprised you haven’t met Kevin, then,’ Jean said, retreating to the topic on which he knew the most, aside from fires. 

‘Yes, you’ll have to introduce me,’ Jeremy said. ‘I haven’t had a chance to speak to him yet, but Renée told me he’s organising something for the kids in mid-November.’ He looked at Jean, slightly guiltily. ‘I was going to call you, actually, to thank you for that. But I kind of wanted to do it in person and, well, uh …’ He trailed off, searching for a way to finish that sentence, and Jean’s imagination ran away to dark places and threw out phrases like “ _That would involve having to talk to you”, “I really have better things to be doing”, “I didn’t want to lead you on”._

‘I feel like I can’t just _call_ you,’ Jeremy admitted, with a sheepish smile. Jean started at him, head tilted.

‘You have my number?’ he asked, confused. 

Jeremy definitely looked embarrassed now, though a little amused at himself. ‘I _do_ ,’ he stressed. ‘But you’re such a busy person, and I don’t know if anyone’s ever told you this but you’re sort of intimidating. I teach five year olds all day; what’s my opening line when I call someone who drags people from burning buildings for a living?’

Jean, though entirely baffled by the idea that Jeremy considered him a busy person, had to admit that he knew the feeling. 

‘I usually just start with “hi”,’ he said, and then suddenly the two of them were laughing and it was easy, it was so easy. And the more they talked, the easier it got. They eventually unstuck themselves from the drinks table and mingled around the room, but stayed together. Jeremy introduced him to Matt’s girlfriend, Dan Wilds, who was indeed a firefighter but from another station. She was funny and somewhat ferocious, and played baseball with Jeremy every Thursday night apparently. She was also staff manager of her station, and she and Jean got into a very serious conversation about work and rosters and how people were so damn difficult to please. During a brief lull in this conversation, Jean felt a hand on his arm. Jeremy was still there beside him, and now he was inclining his head like _Do you want to go over here now?_ Jean nodded and disengaged from Dan with a nod, following Jeremy obediently as though they were two people who came as a pair.

About an hour later, Jean finally got to put Kevin and Jeremy side by side. He was almost scientifically interested to see what kind of effect Jeremy would have on Kevin and he wasn’t disappointed in the slightest. Kevin’s eyes lit up within seconds of Jeremy mentioning the upcoming police demonstration at the school, and how important it was for the children to learn these things at a young age. Then Jeremy, in an astounding home run, went on to touch on baseball, bad drivers, a popular new health food store, and how he was trying to drink lots of water and encourage the kids to do the same. By the time Renée popped her head over Kevin’s shoulder to say hello, Jean thought Thea might actually have cause for concern. 

‘Jeremy, I think you just talked your way out of your next five speeding tickets,’ Jean commented in amazement, as Kevin was reluctantly coaxed into conversation by Renée (the only person he wouldn’t dream of arguing with). 

‘Do I look like a person who gets speeding tickets?’ Jeremy demanded.

‘Ahh, it’s always the quiet ones,’ replied Jean with a little smile. 

After that there was the singing of happy birthday - Neil was, as it turned out, twenty six - and then the cake. It was decorated with marzipan hockey sticks and had two edible hockey players on top in what looked like compromising positions. Jean gathered that he was missing out on some joke here, but he laughed with everyone else when Neil threw one of the figures at Nicky’s head. Andrew popped the other one into his mouth, and Neil blushed furiously at the increase in laughter.

They wound up sitting around with Katelyn and Aaron, who was looking a good deal calmer now that he had Katelyn on his lap and a slice of cake in his hand. Katelyn had her arm draped around his shoulders and looked a little tired, but was stroking his hair as she talked to Jeremy about work. 

Jean was equally happy sitting beside Jeremy and listening to him. 

‘I can never get them warmed up in the mornings like you can,’ Katelyn was admitting to Jeremy. ‘I hate when you go get coffee as soon as the bell rings, and they’re just sitting there staring at me.’

Jeremy shrugged. ‘That’s why I do it,’ he said gently. ‘You can’t be more scared of them than they are of you. If you act like you’re in charge they’ll respond to that.’

‘But you just walk into the room and, like - ‘ Katelyn clicked her fingers. ‘You’ve got them.’

‘Kids are shrewd,’ Jeremy said. ‘They know I’m the teacher, just like they know you’re not _quite_ the teacher. It’s all about ice breakers, Katelyn. I did two weeks of them before the kids started to relax around me. If they’re relaxed, they’re more likely to be agreeable and work with you. Kids who are stressed and anxious will fight back, or become unresponsive.’

Jeremy had just unknowingly described Jean and Kevin’s childhood in a nutshell.

‘I learned a whole bunch of ice breakers in class, but I can’t seem to put them into practise,’ Katelyn said, jigging her leg a little. Aaron wordlessly rested his palm on her knee and gave it a little rub. 

‘I can go over some with you, if you want,’ Jeremy suggested. He was toying with the almost empty bottle of beer in his hands, fingers playing over it rather distractingly. ‘Maybe we can come up with some ones that you feel more comfortable with.’

Katelyn looked relieved. ‘Oh, can we? Are you sure? Like, after hours?’

Jeremy nodded. ‘Sure,’ he said, with that easy assurance. ‘I’ve still got all my old stuff from college at my apartment.’

‘Do you want another?’ Jean asked Jeremy quietly, nodding to the bottle in Jeremy’s hands. 

‘Only if you’re getting up,’ Jeremy answered, with a little smile. He’d been leaning forward to talk to Katelyn and now he’d turned his body around, giving Jean all of his attention.

‘I am,’ Jean said. He needed to stick his head in a bucket of water. ‘Same again?’

Jeremy nodded. ‘Thanks,’ he said, his voice quiet. The conversation had shrunk to just them, in their own private bubble. ‘I’m sorry if this is boring. You know what it’s like when you meet colleagues out of work.’

Jean hadn’t before tonight, but then he remembered his heated debate with Dan Wilds about the best way to teach new recruits how to know when their boots were about to start melting without actually letting the boots start to melt. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘It’s fine, I like hearing about it.’

It didn’t seem to occur to either of them that they didn’t have to stick together for the whole night. It was just going that way.

Jean went to retrieve more drinks, and stumbled upon a significantly more inebriated Kevin. He and Allison were half-heartedly sniping at each other in between Allison showing Kevin pictures of Noah on her phone and answering his questions about how soon Thea would start to show and how long her labour had been.

‘You are a very different Kevin,’ Jean commented almost to himself. Kevin, unfortunately, heard him, as Allison was busy responding to a text. 

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’ Kevin asked, smirking at him. The smirk felt a bit out of place, actually.

‘Just that … Kevin what the fuck is that face for?’ Jean demanded. 

Kevin shrugged, swaying a little. ‘Just noticed who you’ve been hanging out with,’ he said, voice mercifully low. ‘So, is that who you “met”?’

Jean resisted the urge to slam dunk his head into the punch bowl. 

‘He’s just a friend,’ he said, jaw clenched. ‘Probably a straight friend. Just let me enjoy it for now, Kevin.’

To his surprise, Kevin’s expression softened. ‘Sorry, ok,’ he said, half raising his hand in surrender. ‘Go have fun.’ 

He paused, like he was going to say something else. ‘Renée would say to take care of yourself’ he added eventually, looking at Jean sideways. 

Jean looked away, wiping at some of the condensation on the beer bottle. ‘I know,’ he said, not willing to look into Kevin’s eyes and see concern there.

‘I wish you were happy.’

The words scalded him. Jean looked up sharply; Kevin’s gaze was unfocused, but his mouth was twisted into something unhappy. 

‘You’re fucking drunk,’ Jean snapped. 

Kevin hiccuped, and Jean was so ready to leave the conversation. ‘Sorry,’ Kevin said. ‘Again.’

Jean heard the shift in tone. It wouldn’t be a drunken conversation with Kevin without this apology. ‘You can stop saying that now,’ Jean muttered. ‘It doesn’t do any good.’

‘It does if you’re still stuck in the past.’

Jean couldn’t understand why he was still standing here when he could be sitting beside Jeremy and getting smiled at. ‘I’m going now,’ he said. ‘You should stop drinking.’ He eased off on his tone, though, and nudged Kevin gently with his shoulder before taking the drinks back to the couch.

He was quiet for a little while after that, thinking about what Kevin had said. It was echoes of what he himself had been thinking all day, but somehow all of that had gone out the window the moment he’d started talking to Jeremy. Jean didn’t know how smart it was, but every time he looked at Jeremy he asked himself why he was even bothering to look anywhere else anymore. He’s right there, Jean thought. Why am I pretending like he’s not? 

Eventually Aaron and Katelyn disappeared and different people took their places, and Jean found himself turned sideways on the couch, knees almost touching Jeremy’s.

‘Kevin seems like a very relaxed person,’ Jeremy commented, the naivety of which prompted Jean to laugh deep in his chest. 

When Jeremy inquired, Jean said, ‘Kevin’s a very highly strung person. Alcohol mellows him out. He’d smoke pot if he wasn’t such a little bitch.’

‘You mean a cop?’

‘That too.’

They both laughed, and then Jean said contemplatively, ‘As a teenager, Kevin was only tolerable when he was wasted.’

Jeremy’s laugh faded away to a seriousness that was masked by his usual calm demeanour. ‘You mentioned you guys had a rough childhood,’ he said, voice deliberately light. ‘Were you in foster care?’

It hadn’t been hard to figure out, Jean thought. ‘Yes,’ he said aloud. ‘For almost seven years. I was meant to live with my uncle after my parents died, but …’ He shrugged. ‘It didn’t work out.’

Jeremy’s expression tightened. ‘Was it just the two of you?’

Jean paused for a long moment. ‘No,’ he said, slowly. ‘There were three of us.’

He met Jeremy’s eye, and something dark passed between them that told Jeremy to take a step back from this one.

‘I teach a few kids from foster families,’ Jeremy said, in a neat side step. ‘Most seem like perfectly good, wholesome situations. But there was one kid, last year …’ He shook his head, remembering. ‘Something had shaken that girl up good.’

Jean could relate. Ordinarily he avoided this subject so hard that the very mention of foster care had him diving head first out of the conversation. He wasn’t sure why almost every rule in his life had met its exception in Jeremy, but he found himself saying, ‘My education really suffered because of it. Kevin’s did too, but he was always smart.’ He glanced up. ‘You mentioned you have language issues this year?’

Jeremy nodded. ‘Yes, two of the children have Mandarin as their first language. I don’t want to separate them, but they’re speaking only to each other and refusing to learn any English. Katelyn and I are trying to help, but … ’

Recognition flooded through Jean so strongly it almost knocked him. ‘Yeah,’ he said, chest a little tight. ‘That was me. Kevin knew a little French, and our foster family were Japanese, so that was practically all they spoke at home. We’d cobble together this muddle of French, Japanese, and English, and somehow figured out how to communicate just between us. But at school, the teacher told everyone not to speak to me in any language that wasn’t English.’ Jean shook his head, slowly. ‘It took me so long to learn.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Forever,’ Jean said. ‘I could hardly write a sentence. I tried to substitute words I didn’t know in English for ones I did in French. The teacher sent me home with big red pen marks all over my homework. I had to get it signed by my …’ 

He needed to stop. This was a dreadful story to tell at a party. What was he doing? 

‘Sounds like things weren’t good at home,’ Jeremy said. ‘I mean, children pick up languages at twice the rate an adult does.’

Jean only looked at him. He didn’t want to have to say it. 

Jeremy met his gaze, and the silence stretched out between them.

‘I really love how you talk about them,’ Jean said, not knowing where the words were coming from. ‘The children. You’re an amazing teacher.’

Jeremy smiled warmly at him. ‘You haven’t actually seen me teach,’ he reminded Jean gently. 

‘I don’t have to,’ Jean said. ‘You can just tell, with you.’

This seemed to stump Jeremy. A faint pink coloured the tips of his ears, which Jean found rather distracting.

‘Is it fun?’ Jean asked. ‘Teaching?’

Jeremy shrugged, but Jean could see he was pleased with this new subject. ‘Uh, in the beginning it was pretty hard. Coming up with lesson plans and constantly worrying that the kids would be bored or I’d be fucking it up and no one would tell me until it was too late.’

Jean didn’t know that he’d heard Jeremy curse before. It felt like being taken further into his confidence. 

‘I kinda have the hang of it now,’ Jeremy went on contemplatively. Jean liked the way he was curled up on the couch, one arm on the back of it and the other cradling a bottle. ‘I just kind of fell into this job. The old kindergarten teacher had to retire early because of illness, and I’d just finished my final exams after doing teaching experience at Rose Hill. Right place, right time.’ He shrugged. ‘Maybe it’s weird to feel so settled already, but I really love where I’m at right now.’

There was something to be said for liquid courage, because Jean found himself saying, ‘And you’re single?’

Jean hoped Jeremy would blame his inelegant speech on the alcohol. 

Jeremy shifted his position, sitting up a little straighter. Probably getting uncomfortable curled up for so long. 

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Yeah, I’m single.’

There was a pause where Jean really should have said something. Unfortunately his liquid courage was maxed out, and his glass was empty. 

Jeremy sighed a little, and glanced away. Then he frowned. ‘Is your brother crying?’

Jean rolled his eyes. ‘Probably.’ Then he blinked. ‘Wait, what?’

He followed Jeremy’s gaze, searching for Kevin. His body was suddenly taut with tension, but when he spotted Kevin he relaxed, and smiled. 

‘Oh, he’s fine,’ he said quietly. Kevin was leaning on Thea and crying quietly on her shoulder, and she was smiling and stroking his hair. He turned back to Jeremy. ‘Thea’s pregnant. Kevin’s .. pretty happy about it.’

Jeremy’s face lit up. ‘Aw man that’s great, congratulations. You’re gonna be an uncle.’

Jean hadn’t realised that. ‘Guess I am,’ he said slowly. ‘Will I have to teach it stuff?’

‘Yes, that child is going to ask you about sex and you’re gonna have to have answers, Jean’ said Jeremy solemnly. ‘Are you gonna be ready for that?’

‘No.’

‘It’s ok, I’ll help you.’ Jeremy grinned. ‘Did I tell you two of the kids _already_ have asked me where babies come from?’

Jean snorted. ‘What did you say?’

Jeremy ran his hand through his hair in arguably his most distracting move of the evening. ‘I got kind of flustered and just said that they came from inside their mommys’ tummies, and that they’d learn about it when they were older. It wasn’t as bad as the kid who straight up asked what a blowjob was.’

‘ _What?_ ’

‘These little assholes who have older brothers and sisters and hear things they shouldn’t,’ Jeremy said, waving his hand dismissively. ‘I just told him that wasn’t appropriate for class.’

Jeremy said it so primly that Jean couldn’t help laughing, earning himself a light slap on the leg. Jean swiped back at him. 

‘How dare you hit a teacher,’ Jeremy said, acting appalled. 

‘Never met a teacher I didn’t want to slap,’ Jean retorted. He didn’t expect Jeremy to blush so much at that, but he enjoyed it nonetheless. 

They stopped talking about anything serious after that. The party started to quieten down - Neil and Andrew were long gone, but Nicky and his husband were still in the thick of revellers who seemed to be their close friends, and showed no signs of leaving. Jean felt like the time had come for him to go home, and was trying to figure out how to get Jeremy to come with him without actually having to ask him. 

‘You walking home?’ he asked Jeremy. They were wandering around in the kitchen; Jeremy was helping to clean up, because he was that kind of person. 

‘Was thinking about it,’ Jeremy replied, dropping cake-covered forks into the dishwasher. He raised an eyebrow. ‘You going my way?’

Technically, no.

‘Sure am,’ Jean said, who was fairly drunk and feeling like a jolly idiot. ‘And why are you cleaning? Come here, put that down.’

Jeremy laughed as Jean took plates and glasses from his hands. ‘I’m just trying to help,’ he protested. 

‘No, they’re messy and loud and don’t deserve your help,’ Jean insisted, taking his hand and pulling him out of the kitchen. Alcohol was _brilliant_. No wonder so many dates happened in bars. 

‘So I should go with you instead?’ Was that flirting? Jean’s brain was spinning. 

He stopped and turned around; Jeremy nearly walked into him. 

‘Yes,’ Jean said, highly aware that he was still holding Jeremy’s hand. Actually his wrist. He’d missed his hand entirely. Alcohol: not good for everything.

Jeremy was standing very close to him, head tilted back a little. Jean felt hooked on those brown eyes. Would it be so bad, he wondered, if he were to make some kind of move? How badly could it go?

‘Jean.’ Jeremy said his name very quietly. Jean looked at him inquiringly, then waited. When nothing was forthcoming he squeezed Jeremy’s wrist a little. 

Jeremy blinked. ‘Lost my train of thought,’ he murmured. ‘Why does that happen around you?’

The whole room melted away into silence. 

‘You said you find me intimidating,’ Jean said. He’d been thinking about that comment a lot. ‘Is that in a bad way? I won’t mind.’

But Jeremy was shaking his head. ‘No,’ he said, seriously. ‘It’s stupid. Don’t even worry about it, Jean.’ He smiled up at him, and the volume of the rest of the room returned. 

‘Jean!’

Thea had done well to last the night sober, but she was looking cranky. She put her hand on Jean’s shoulder and said, ‘Will you give me a hand with him? He’s overindulged, to no one’s surprise, and I can’t find Andrew.’

In the end they needed Jeremy’s help too. Kevin was a fucking deadweight when he was drunk.

‘Does he have rocks in his pockets?’ Jeremy wondered, ducking under Kevin’s arm. 

‘It’s just his ego,’ Jean grumbled, getting under his other one. 

Together they carried him down the stairs - Kevin was almost insensible. The lift was jammed with people but Thea was concerned that Kevin would puke if they put him in one. ‘He has a reputation,’ she said darkly. Once they were outside in the cool air Kevin seemed to regain some consciousness. He tried to pick up his conversation with Jeremy from where they’d left off earlier in the night, but he was slurring so badly that Jeremy could only laugh at him. 

‘You’re very nice, very nice,’ Kevin mumbled, head lolling on to Jeremy’s shoulder. Thea had her phone raised with the flashlight on so her incoming Uber could see her. ‘Good friend, good habits.’

‘Kevin, Jesus,’ complained Jean, as Jeremy laughed. ‘Just shut up.’

Thea was flagging down the Uber.

‘It can’t come down the street,’ she called. ‘It’s one way. Can you bring him down here?’

Jean hefted Kevin a little bit more towards him. ‘Sure,’ he grumbled, trying to be polite. ‘Come on, Kevin.’

‘Wait, wait, promise me you’ll ask him out,’ Kevin said, suddenly urgent. ‘He’s too good, Jean - ’

‘Alright,’ Jean said, mortified. ‘You’re done.’ He pulled Kevin right off Jeremy and, in one quick motion, hoisted him over his shoulder. Kevin protested loudly but it wasn’t the first time that Jean had used a fireman’s carry on him, and he knew there was absolutely no point in trying to get out of it. Jean had another person’s weight in muscle on Kevin, and now he was annoyed too.

‘I can’t believe you said that,’ Jean whispered furiously as he hurried towards Thea as quickly as he could. 

‘I’m not,’ croaked Kevin. ‘You need a kick up the ass.’

‘I have no problem dropping you right now.’

‘Thea will kick you in the balls. You’ll never get laid like that.’

Jean had to climb into the cab with Kevin to get him in properly. He slapped him lightly across the head before getting out again, staggering slightly on the pavement. He let Thea hug him, and he murmured in her ear that he’d be very proud to be her child’s godfather. This earned him a tight squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. Affection from both Kevin and Thea always felt special, because neither gave it away cheaply.

He wandered back down the path, hands in his pockets, but stopped hard when he saw that Jeremy wasn’t there. He looked up and down the sidewalk and poked his head back into the lobby, but there was no sign of him. 

His heart was sinking fast. Obviously he’d gotten scared by Kevin’s comment and legged it back inside to rejoin the party. And someone like Jeremy would hardly want to leave while there was still fun to be had. If Jean was being honest with himself, he had no real desire to go back up if Jeremy wasn’t interested. He’d been telling himself that the whole point of tonight was to start meeting new people and find someone he liked, but the truth was that he was too fixated on Jeremy to even make an attempt. Maybe it was just the way he was. Maybe he had a one track mind, an obsessive personality, and he’d never be able to date casually. Either way, Jean was uncomfortable with how quickly he’d forgotten that he didn’t fit in with people like the partygoers upstairs. Jeremy had made him forget that. Jeremy had made him feel almost normal.

He turned and started to walk slowly down the street towards home. Normally at this point he’d be thinking with relief of the silence and solitude of his apartment, but right now there was just an empty feeling inside him where only moments ago there had been something filling it. 

‘Jean?’

He spun around, a bit unsteady. Jeremy was standing outside the apartment, brightly lit by the street lamp. He was holding their jackets. 

‘Hey,’ Jean said. Hope was a living creature, fluttering wildly inside him. 

Jeremy caught up to him slowly. ‘Well at least one of us remembers the coats,’ he said, with a small smile. He handed over Jean’s, and there was a little shuffling pause while they both put them on. Fifteen minutes ago Jean had been ready to take Jeremy’s hand. Now he was stuffing his own into his pockets and wishing he wasn’t so fucking inept.

They walked in silence for the first few minutes. Jean was hoping that Jeremy was just too drunk to talk. For his own part he felt like if he opened his mouth he might vomit, and it had nothing to do with the alcohol. His palms were damp. He wished Jeremy would just _say something._

‘Are you working tomorrow?’ Jeremy asked eventually.

Jean shook his head. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Monday morning.’ He took a stab at it. ‘What do you normally do on Sundays?’

‘Well tomorrow I’ll probably be nursing this hangover and feeling sorry for myself,’ Jeremy said ruefully. They paused to wait for a green light. ‘But usually I meet some friends for brunch and walk my dog.’

‘You have a dog?’ Jean had always wanted a dog, but he felt like it would be a bit like having a baby. He definitely didn’t want a baby at this time in his life.

Jeremy grinned. ‘Yeah, his name Badger. I found him in a dumpster two years ago. He’s only got half a tail and 1.5 ears but I think he’s great. And if you play certain Elton John songs he’ll dance on his hind legs with no other prompting.’

And just like that, Jean was smiling again. ‘What a talented child you have,’ he remarked. 

‘He’s very advanced for his age,’ agreed Jeremy, and they laughed themselves right out of their awkwardness.

All too soon, they’d arrived at Jeremy’s building. Jean had been getting steadily more nervous as they neared the final block, with conflicting messages of _want_ versus _be realistic_ torpedoing around in his brain. For some reason he thought this was in his hands. So he was not prepared at all when Jeremy turned to him outside the door of his building and asked him if he wanted to come up.

His eyes were bright and fixed on Jean, and there was a nervous uncertainty about the way he spoke. He looked like he didn’t know what he wanted either. A low, hungry pull in Jean’s stomach desperately wanted him to say yes. He wanted to follow Jeremy up those stairs and close the door and touch him. God, he hadn’t a fucking clue what was happening to him. Everything felt like it was on fast forward.

He couldn’t figure out how to say yes without having a panic attack.

‘Can’t,’ he said, the words dragged from his mouth like prisoners. ‘I can’t.’

Jeremy’s expression flickered as he tried to hitch his usual smile into place. ‘Oh. Ok. I mean, that’s fine.’

‘I’m no good at this.’ 

Jeremy was nodding. ‘It’s fine, I understand.’ He already sounded normal again. ‘I’ll see you around, though, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Jean said earnestly, trying to claw something back as half of his brain screamed at him. ‘Yeah, definitely.’

They stared at each other as the moment slipped away. 

‘I have to go,’ Jean said, because this was getting pathetic. He’d turned Jeremy down, and that was that. Now he knew he couldn’t handle even the most normal of beginnings, so he certainly wasn’t able for anything more complicated than a relationship with his cat. Great. This was good to know. Maybe now he’d finally get some fucking therapy.

Why did it have to be Jeremy though, he wondered miserably.

‘Right,’ Jeremy said softly. His eyes were still searching Jean’s face. Jean should tell him to stop wasting his time, but he was trying to drink in as much of him as he could in the last few seconds of this moment. He surely wouldn’t be getting another one now.

Jean’s eyes drifted over Jeremy’s mouth. The pull in his chest was so strong he almost stumbled. 

But Jeremy was stepping back, away from him, with an apologetic look. 

‘Tonight was fun,’ he said, getting his key out of his pocket. ‘Uh, I hope Kevin’s ok.’

Jean nodded. ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘I mean, thanks. For the help.’

Jeremy hesitated on the step, key in hand. His eyes were locked on Jean. 

Then he tripped right down the step again and in two swift strides was right in front of Jean. He paused just for a second, enough time for Jean to draw breath. Then he put his hand on Jean’s cheek, so gently, and kissed the other side. 

His lips were soft and dry. It was just a peck, nowhere near Jean’s mouth. His hand lingered for a second, and then it too was gone. 

When he pulled back and saw whatever was on Jean’s face, he started to smile.

‘Felt like a more appropriate goodbye,’ he murmured, stepping back. ‘I hope that wasn’t - ’

‘Fine, it was fine,’ said Jean, finally remembering to breathe. _Go now, before you make it worse_. ‘I’ll see you.’

He turned to go, but only managed a few steps before Jeremy was calling after him. ‘Aren’t you going the wrong way?’

Jean turned around. ‘I don’t live anywhere near here,’ he admitted, still walking. 

Jeremy’s grin lit up the whole street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was one of those chapters were I fought my beta on literally every suggestion, so I have only myself to blame for mistakes/bad choices. The veil parts, the beast is revealed.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! A scary chapter for yiz. 
> 
> This fic is growing like mould and my plan of getting it done before nano has clearly failed, so updates may take like 2-3 days from now on (my beta is also nano-ing). My bad. Stay tuned <3

‘I cannot believe you didn’t fuck him!’ exclaimed Allison. ‘It was all teed up for you!’

‘Alison,’ said Renée sternly. ‘Can you please watch your language in front of the baby.’

‘Jean, I’m sick of you bitching out when there’s absolutely no reason to,’ Allison went on, spoon feeding Noah mashed peas and carrots. ‘And Renée, I love this child, but he’s fourteen months old and he calls you “Ron”, so I really feel like your concern is misplaced.’

Renée only smiled and continued folding clothes. Jean was accepted as part of the furniture in their home whenever he actually managed to visit, so their lives went on as normal around him. Presently, Allison was giving Noah his dinner at the kitchen table while wearing a fluffy bathrobe and rollers in her hair, and Renée was getting some ironing done. Jean, who liked being a part of this wholesome family stuff that they had going on, was doing his part by minding the dinner on the stove.

 ‘I didn’t bitch out,’ protested Jean, stirring the soup. ‘I just wasn’t ready for - that.’

Allison made cutesy baby noises at Noah and said, in the same tone, ‘We all know you’re not a virgin, Jean, so stop pretending you are.’

‘You’re corrupting that child,’ Jean said flatly, trying to ignore the jibe.

‘He was born of my body, the corruption was within him all along.’

Renée snorted and threw a dishcloth at Allison’s head. It settled over her rollers and made her look like she was wearing a bizarre kind of crown under there. She laughed and made faces at Noah who clapped delightedly and banged his spoon off his high chair. 

Included or not, family or not, it was hard for Jean not to feel lonely around here.

The truth was, he’d been going over and over how the other night ended, torturing himself with how he could have responded better. He knew now that it was highly likely that Jeremy hadn’t been inviting him up for sex. The jury was still out on whether Jeremy liked men at all, so it was probably a fact that he’d just invited Jean up for a drink and friendly conversation. Maybe some kissing, if he was very lucky. Jean didn’t think that, at any point, Jeremy would have tried to pressure him into something. And prior to that, they’d been having a very good time. 

So not only was there absolutely no good reason for Jean to have turned him down, Jeremy now probably thought it was because Jean didn’t like him and didn’t want to hang out at all, ever. 

Overall, a hard failure on Jean’s part. Talking to Renée and Allison about it had only made him realise that quicker. 

‘Haven’t you got a party to get ready for, love?’ Renée said, coming to stand at Allison’s shoulder and kissing her cheek. ‘I can take over here.’

Allison nodded, slipping her arm around Renée’s waist. ‘Ok,’ she said easily enough. She stroked Noah’s cheek before standing up and shuffling out of the room in her fluffy slippers. ‘For the record, Jean,’ she added, pausing in the doorway. ‘If I hadn’t kissed Renée first, she would never have kissed me, and we wouldn’t have that beautiful devil’s spawn over there.’ 

Jean’s shoulders slumped. He turned back to stirring the soup. ‘Enjoy the party,’ he said glumly. 

Renée let Jean sulk in peace for a few more minutes as she put the ironing things away. Jean took the soup off the stove and started cutting the brown bread. Renée made the salad, humming a little as she did so. 

As Jean was brushing crumbs off his hands, Renée stepped up behind him and put her chin on his shoulder. Jean’s body stilled, and he sighed. 

‘It’s ok, sweetheart,’ she said quietly. ‘Allison just wants you to be happy, too.’

‘I know,’ muttered Jean. 

‘All is not lost,’ she reminded him. 

Jean knew that arguing with her on this would go nowhere, so he just nodded like he agreed. 

They had a nice, quiet dinner. Noah occasionally interjected with some half-talk and good-natured shrieks which Renée responded to appropriately, but otherwise they ate in silence. Soup, salad, brown bread, and cheese. Jean was so mired in his own thoughts that he didn’t eat as much as he’d have liked to. Renée kept pushing the bread towards him. 

‘Jean,’ she said, when their plates were empty. ‘Do you like Jeremy?’

Jean looked up at her, shoulders tensing. 

‘If you can’t admit it to me then you’ll never admit it to him,’ Renée said simply. ‘I know you’re brave, Jean, but running into a burning building isn’t the same kind of vulnerability as giving your heart to someone and hoping they’ll be gentle with it.’

‘I know he would be,’ Jean said, unsettled. ‘I just … don’t think he wants it. Not mine.’

Renée shrugged. ‘Then he’ll give it back,’ she said. ‘And you’ll have learned something. You’ll never be able to touch anyone’s heart if you don’t reach out.’

Noah was making breathy, urgent noises beside him. Jean gave him a finger to hold and he gripped it contentedly, settling down again. 

‘Jeremy asks questions,’ Jean said, trying to figure out how to explain himself. ‘He wants to know things about me. I don’t know how to tell him … anything.’

Renée thought about that. ‘Do you think that if you were dating for a few months and then he suddenly found out you had a an abusive childhood that he’d decide he wasn’t interested anymore?’

Jean bristled. ‘I think it’d become an issue long before that,’ he replied. ‘It’s not about what happened, it’s about what it did to me. What it turned me in to.’

‘Do you think you’re unlovable?’ Renée asked softly. 

Something swelled and lodged itself in Jean’s throat. He swallowed through it for a few moments. 

‘I’m  … difficult,’ he said, eventually. ‘I’m hard work. There’s no point pretending otherwise.’

Renée stared at him, her big eyes and gentle features so achingly familiar. She was his sister, his best friend, his mother. She’d become everything to him that he’d never had, and he’d given her so little in return. He doubted that he’d be able to look after Noah if something were to happen to her and Allison. 

‘I think you’re as complicated and worthwhile as anyone else,’ Renée said simply. 

‘That’s because you already know everything.’

Renée laughed. ‘I never know what’s going on in that head of yours, Jean,’ she said. ‘Look, my honest opinion is that you are free to pursue anyone you want, and that they’d be lucky to have you. Ok? You’re smart and you’re kind and you’re incredibly generous. Allison cried when she read the card you wrote for Noah on his first birthday.’

Jean blushed, but didn’t respond. He knew that he wasn’t a monster, but he was still having difficulty talking himself into this.

‘See him again,’ Renée urged. ‘You deserve this, Jean.’

‘It scares me,’ he whispered. 

Renée smiled. ‘It’s meant to,’ she told him. ‘Stepping out of your comfort zone is always scary. Allison scared the life out of me until suddenly she was my every day. My new normal. That’s when it stops becoming scary and becomes wonderful.’ She smiled again. ‘You’ll get there. I have faith.’

She let him relax after that. They gave Noah a bath and Jean dried his wriggly little body while Renée took a work call. He got his diaper and sleep onesie on and carried him around the house for a bit, nuzzling his soft little face and enjoying his sweet baby smell. When he sat down on the couch, Noah fell asleep on his shoulder. Jean kept him there with one hand and tried not to drift off himself. He’d had a busy week putting out fires all over town, and after two night shifts in a row he had this one evening off and then he was back in again tomorrow. 

‘Jean?’ Renée was calling him. Allison had just left for her work dinner, trailing glitter and perfume down the hall as she clicked out in her high heels. She’d ran her hand over Noah’s sleeping head and tweaked Jean’s ear as she’d passed. 

‘In here,’ Jean called. 

Renée’s face softened when she saw them. Instead of taking Noah, she curled up beside them on the couch and rested her hand on her baby’s back.

‘My good boy,’ she murmured, stroking him gently. Her eyes flickered up to Jean’s. ‘My two best boys,’ she smiled, dropping her hand to Jean’s knee briefly. 

After a while she took Noah up to bed, then came back down and tucked herself in beside Jean. She put something on the tv - Jean didn’t know what - and let him fall asleep on her shoulder. They’d done this before, a thousand times. Jean had even returned the favour once or twice. Renée’s arm around his shoulder and her short hair tickling his forehead had lulled him to sleep and out of darkness so many times. She was so small yet solid beside him. She could fight off any demon. But Jean knew he couldn’t keep letting her fight off his own.

When Allison came home she turned off the tv and covered them both with a blanket. She stroked Jean’s hair briefly before going up to bed. 

 

*

 

Two nights later, Jean was jerked out of sleep by the fire bell.

His body was so programmed to get him to the engine in one piece that often he found himself sitting in his seat in full gear with no memory of how he got there. Someone got the engine going and then they were off, screaming down the road as the dispatcher gave them directions over the comms. 

It was a house on Blessington Ave. It was a wealthy residential neighbourhood, with large two story houses and at least two cars per driveway. The gardens had big leafy trees and swing sets. The kind of front yard that only took a second to turn into kindling. 

The entire house was ablaze, and it was spreading to the yard. The top of the tall, skinny trees out front brushed that of the tree in the neighbours yard; Jean saw quickly that the whole street was connected in this way. 

‘Cut down that tree,’ he told Laila and Alvarez quickly, pointing straight to them before they’d even climbed down from the engine. ‘And the one on the other side, too. All three of them, cut them all down.’

Laila leapt to it but Alvarez paused. 

‘We need to search the house,’ she said, getting out the helmet. ‘Jean, I can go in.’

Jean could hardly spare her a glance. ‘What? Alvarez - _cut down that tree_.’

‘Sara!’ Laila yelled, from where she was pulling out the axes. 

‘Can’t we use a chainsaw? Or the cross-cutter?’ Alvarez was, unbelievably, still complaining. 

‘It’s a residential area,’ Matt shouted, from where he was pulling down the hose. 

‘The fuck is with you, Alvarez?’ snapped Aaron, pushing past her. 

‘We can’t spare two of us per tree.’ Jean just about managed to grant her this explanation, almost spitting it at her. Alvarez finally went for the axe with a snarl and was about to follow Laila to the tree on the left when Jean caught her shoulder and spun her towards the one in the next garden over. He didn’t have to say anything for her to know she was in trouble.

Another engine was pulling up carrying the on-call crew. The heat of the blaze was enormous. It felt like a hand pressing down on them all. Jean blinked up at it, feeling his eyeballs start to dry up straight away.

‘There’s no one around,’ he murmured to himself. His eyes snapped down. ‘Only one car in the driveway.

There was a formula to these things. The waiting neighbours provided the details - five in the family, two parents, one teenager, a pair of 6 year old twins. None of them were present in the crowd. The family had three cars; to the best of their knowledge, the whole family had gone to bed on this night just like any other.

The house was creaking and groaning under the weight of the flames. The crowd were beginning to panic. Their voices rose to combat the roar of the fire. 

They turned the hoses on the house. According to the neighbours it had been burning for ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour. As the concentrated the hoses on the top of the house, Jean and Matt prepared to go in. 

The gear was heavy, almost smothering. The heat seeped through his bones and seared his skin. Jean constantly felt like he was burning, even though he knew he was not. The suits protected, but they didn’t make you feel any safer. 

They found most of the family scattered on the staircase. They’d known to stay low to the ground, but couldn’t manage that coming down the stairs. The flames hadn’t found them yet, but they were on their way. 

Matt scooped up the little children in his arms and waited for Jean’s quick nod before heading out. Aaron would be on his way in. He was small, but built like an ox. He could take the father. 

Jean hoisted the mother on to his shoulders, but a look at the ceiling had him swinging her down and into his arms. The beams across the ceiling were made of wood, and they were sagging dangerously. Cracks were spreading down their length; they glowed molten red. The house was dark and full of black smoke, and the only lights were the ones Jean could not approach. 

He staggered outside and groaned when he saw the embers on the lawn. He kept going, right down to the road and across to the other side where he transferred the woman over to the EMT’s.

‘Hose the lawn,’ he shouted. ‘The house is gonna come down.’

It came to a point during every bad fire where the house reached the point of no return, and they had to concentrate on stopping it from spreading. Pouring water all over it would only waste time and resources. They other fire crew were breaking into the cars and rolling them down the driveway, and with a groan to rival that of the house, the trees started to fall. The neighbours rushed in to help clear them away. 

The houses on either side were soaked. Everything flammable was being cleared away. Even the swing set had been hoisted out of the ground and dragged off. 

‘Jean!’ Alvarez was in his face again. 

‘Grab a hose,’ he said shortly. 

‘No - Jean!’ Her face was urgent behind her helmet. ‘There are only four - where’s the fifth? The teenager?’

Shit. Jean looked around in shock. No one had gotten her out. 

’I’ll get her,’ Jean said, starting back across the street. But Alvarez was faster. 

‘No!’ Jean snapped, dashing after her. ‘Sara!’

She’d never gone into a building beyond saving before. Jean shouldn’t even be going in. Did she have the right boots on? Did she know where she was going? He reached out and tried to snatch her arm, but she was too quick for him.

A woman was screaming. Aaron shouted after Jean that the teenager - a girl, Macy - slept upstairs at the end of the hall.

The house was now so full of smoke it felt like it was physical holding Jean back. He’d been in there only minutes before and already he couldn’t remember where the stairs were. 

The fire was diminishing, but the smoke was increasing as they poured water on the house. Above his head the fire still roared, and Jean knew in his heart that the girl was dead. 

‘Alvarez!’ he roared. He couldn’t see or hear anything that wasn’t flames or smoke.

Jean bumped into the staircase. He leaned down and thumped the first stair with his fist, and found that it held. He tested the next two and then decided that was good enough. 

The heat was as unbearable as Jean had ever felt. He could hear Alvarez now, screaming the girl’s name. His foot went through part of the stair and he jerked away, trying to hurry without killing himself. Fear was starting to trickle down his spine, cooling the adrenalin. 

Flames batted at his elbows and knees. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t leave her. His eyeballs felt like they were going to shrivel right out of his head. 

The corridor was endlessly long, and the way was blocked by fire. Walls of it, closing in on him. He stepped on something squishy - a hand. Fingers. One cracked beneath him. 

His arms went down and pulled up what he found. She was light, wearing what felt like nothing. Even through his gloves, she felt wrong. Jean threw her over one shoulder, and had a brief moment of agonising in decision before he turned around and headed back towards the stairs. 

This time, he almost stumbled over someone else. It was Alvarez, propped up in the doorway. She’d found the wrong bedroom, but Macy hadn’t been where she was meant to. Alvarez was bent over, probably coughing, though the only sounds now belonged to the fire and water trying to tear the house down around them.

Words were pointless. Jean grabbed Alvarez by the elbow and pulled her down the hall. Her legs gave out briefly so Jean just dragged her. His chest was starting to get tight as his oxygen started to run out. He didn’t know if the girl on his shoulder was alive or dead.

They stumbled to the stairs, and as Jean put his foot on the first stair he knew it wasn’t going to hold. It felt like soft cardboard, and it gave accordingly. Hoping that Alvarez’s suit would be enough to protect her, he pushed her down ahead of him. Her body rolled slowly, as she tried to pull herself up by the bannisters. She disappeared into the darkness. 

Jean fell sideways, on to his knees. As the house began to reach its limit, so did he. He lowered Macy down out of his arms and started to lower her down the rest of the stairs. They might see her body hit the bottom. Jean gave her a push, and she disappeared too.

He wanted to take off his suit and helmet to make himself lighter, but he’d only be breathing in flames and smoke instead of his own recycled air. He tried to crawl down, and the hot steps immediately gave way underneath him. He tried to fall, and the heat pierced him. Something fell hard and heavy on top of him, and then everything beneath his body gave way. 

Half insensible already, Jean’s vision started to fade. Or maybe that was the smoke. 

Thoughts fell drowsily around in Jean’s head. He couldn’t move. Something was burning him. It should have been enough to make move, to even try, but it wasn’t. He couldn’t. He couldn’t feel anything, not even regret.

The smoke slipped through a crack somewhere in his helmet and into his lungs. 

 

 

*

 

 

When Jean woke up, the brightness was startling. His heart started to pound, and around him the hospital monitors went crazy.

Jean hated hospitals. He’d spent too much of his childhood there telling lies about how he’d gotten this or that cut or fracture. He expected doctors not to believe him, and disliked them instinctively. 

Now that they were restraining him, making him stay in bed and wear his oxygen mask and “calm down”, he liked them even less. He only calmed down once Renée showed up and told him what he needed to hear - that the fire was out, Alvarez was ok, and the family had survived.

Jean had some minor burns across his back and legs, but most of the damage was smoke inhalation. His chest, throat and eyes burned, and he had a headache that wouldn’t fuck off. Every time he inhaled he had to smother a cough. Kevin had arrived shortly after he’d woken up, looking wild-eyed and liable to bite someone’s head off. He’d sat on the edge of Jean’s bed and pressed their foreheads together until they could both shake that terrible feeling of almost having been lost. 

‘You’ll get the official report later, but I figured you’d want to know,’ Kevin said, sitting quietly in a chair by his bed. Renée had gone outside on the age-old pretence of getting coffee so that they could have some privacy. ‘The family all survived. The girl, Macy, left a candle burning when she went to sleep. That’s in the report. She’s not in good condition, but she’s awake.’

Jean remembered how her skin had felt in his hand.

‘I stepped on her fingers,’ he remembered. His voice was hoarse, wrecked. ‘I think I broke them.’

Kevin gave him a look. ‘That’s the least of her problems,’ he said darkly. 

The house was gone, but the other homes had been saved. The fire hadn’t spread. Jean felt some of the tightness in his chest ease when he heard that. 

Alvarez was also ok, though she’d also been hospitalised. She had about the same level of smoke inhalation and burns as Jean did, so he was glad that she was feeling at least as bad as he was when he toddled down the hallway to visit her. 

Jean was used to seeing her in uniform and full makeup; without all of that she looked very small hunched up in bed. Laila was sitting there with her, but made herself scarce after one look from Jean. Alvarez stared miserably after her, and then turned it on Jean.

‘Don’t give me that look,’ rasped Jean, taking Laila’s vacant seat. ‘I don’t care about the report, I want it firsthand from you.’ He settled into the seat, making himself as comfortable as it was possible to be when you were desperately uncomfortable. 

‘I’m sorry,’ Alvarez whispered. She sounded worse than he did. ‘I went in all wrong. Everything you’re not supposed to do.’ She sighed, and then coughed. ‘My first shot, and I failed about as bad as anyone can.’

Jean chewed on that as she continued looking very sorry for herself. ‘Well, neither of us died,’ he said finally. 

‘Just about,’ retorted Alvarez. She finally looked up at him properly. ‘Jean, I’m so sorry. After you pushed me down the stairs I tried to find you, but the girl came down on top of me, and she had a pulse. I knew I had to get her out, but I thought - I thought you were right behind me.’

‘The integrity of the stairs was compromised,’ Jean said tiredly. ‘I knew we wouldn’t all make it down at once. It caved in underneath me.’

Kevin had filled him in on that. Jean’s memory was patchy at best. Matt and Aaron had dragged him out from underneath the burning stairs. 

Jean knew that Alvarez would be strongly reprimanded by the station chief, and after that it would be put to bed, so he had to ask now.

‘What happened?’ he asked. ‘You were mouthing off before you’d even climbed out of the engine. That’s not like you.’

Alvarez’s eyes dropped to her hands. ‘I’m so embarrassed,’ she whispered. ‘I - Laila and I had been hanging out before the fire alarm went off. We kind of had an argument. She’s so competitive, and I’m - stupid. I just wanted to impress her, and I got it all wrong.’

Jean smothered a groan. She could never tell that to the station chief. They’d think she was a reckless idiot on principle, and possibly remove her from the station. 

‘Jesus,’ he muttered, running and hand over his face. 

‘I know,’ Alvarez agreed, miserably. ‘I almost got us both killed. Jean, I’m _so_ sorry.’

Luckily for Alvarez, Jean had some sympathy for her. He reached out and covered her hand with his own, and said gruffly, ‘Look, everyone learns this lesson at some point. But out in the field, you do not know better than me. And you don’t know better than Matt or Aaron or anyone else who’s not fresh out of the academy. You _cannot_ question me.’ He sighed. ‘And you’ve got to leave everything else at the door, Sara. The fire doesn’t care. None of your issues can help the people inside that building.’

Alvarez had her face in her hands. Jean felt like he’d communicated his message fairly effectively. 

On his way out of her room he bumped into Laila, who was standing at the door with her face twisted in anxiety. Jean stopped with a sigh. This walking around business was very tiring. ‘If you like her, please just tell her,’ he said, bluntly. ‘Tell her whatever you have to so that you can work together without someone getting killed.’

Laila looked like that was the last thing she’d expected to hear. She nodded mutely, stepping back so Jean could get by. 

When he got back to his room, Renée was waiting with Noah.

‘Exercising?’ she commented.

‘Just getting some air,’ Jean said, hobbling back to bed. He felt like he’d been run over by the fire engine. Renée was smiling at him, but there was a tension in her face that he’d rarely seen there before. The last time had been when Allison had gone into labour two weeks earlier than she was supposed to.

Renée put Noah on Jean’s lap and let the baby distract him for a while. According to Renée, it was 6pm in the evening, and she’d missed the whole day of school.

‘Allison didn’t go to work either,’ she confessed. ‘We kind of just dropped everything and moved into the visitor’s lounge downstairs. She only left after you woke up the first time.’

Jean did vaguely recall seeing a head of blonde hair dashing around his room when he’d first come to. 

‘Allison hates hospitals,’ Renée confessed. Jean and Allison had that in common.

‘When can you come home?’ Renée went on, tugging a corner of the blanket out of Noah’s mouth.

‘Not sure,’ Jean admitted. ‘No one’s really been by to see me yet. I think they’re all busy with the family.’

Renée smiled, and stroked Jean’s arm. ‘You saved that girl,’ she said softly. ‘They said you were already on your way back in when Alvarez ran past you.’

Jean nodded. ‘I had to try,’ he said. ‘And to be honest, I wouldn’t have found her if it weren’t for Alvarez. She wasn’t where I thought she’d be. I would have gotten trapped behind the fire …’

The memory of the darkness pierced by that screaming wall of fire flashed up behind his eyes. He blinked hard, trying to shake it. He felt the girl’s fingers crunch under his boot again, and shivered.

‘Jean?’

Renée’s face was creased with concern. He tried to smile at her.

‘I’m fine,’ he said. His voice sounded tiny even to his own ears. ‘There are always some flashbacks. They’ll pass.’

Renée left him eventually, and Jean was seen by a doctor who pronounced him as good as could be expected. He’d still have to spend a day or so in hospital, which Jean had expected but still fought against. 

‘You need to be monitored,’ the doctor argued, refusing to hear his protestations. ‘And your burns need attention. Hey, do I tell you how to go into burning buildings?’

Jean sat back, grumbling. ‘Can you at least have someone bring me my stuff from the station? My phone?’

‘Your brother’s on it,’ the doctor said. ‘But if you spend all night on it then we’re taking it off you and giving you something to make you sleep.’

Jean tiredly agreed to not act like a teenager. 

Kevin badged his way into his room at around half eleven that night with his phone and some clothes. Jean had already jerked out of three fire-memory nightmares and was quite happy to see him.

‘Thanks,’ he said. Talking was extremely painful, but so were breathing and blinking so he was prepared to suck it up to avoid the nightmares. 

‘You’ll have to get someone to feed your cat,’ Kevin said. ‘I gave her some food and water but I couldn’t drive for ten minutes afterwards.’

Kevin was, in typically inconvenient style, very allergic to cats. His eyes and nose were still very red, and he sounded like he had a bad cold. 

‘Fine,’ Jean said, unsympathetic. He had a few missed calls and texts, so he plugged his phone in to charge and put on the sweater Kevin had grabbed for him.

‘How are you feeling?’ Kevin asked.

Jean shrugged. ‘I’m alright,’ he said, fighting the urge to cough. ‘I’ve had worse.’

Kevin nodded. ‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Guess you have.’ He looked at Jean seriously. ‘I got a fright, when they called. They didn’t say, on the phone, what had happened …’

Jean felt a little tug on his heart, the kind that only Kevin could inspire. His brother didn’t often admit that he was afraid. 

‘You keep making it so hard for me to keep my promise,’ Kevin said quietly, with a little smile. ‘I don’t know why I bothered.’

The memory of Kevin, eighteen years old, crouched beside Jean and holding his hand, his face stained with tears, rose unbidden in Jean’s mind. Jean’s blood staining both of their hands, spattered on Kevin’s white sneakers. 

‘We were kids,’ Jean said. ‘And we both have dangerous jobs now. Stop feeling guilty.’

Kevin smiled hesitantly at him. ‘Alright.’ He glanced at Jean’s phone. ‘You have a couple of messages there. A few from Jeremy.’

Jean rolled his eyes, wincing when that set off his headache. ‘Don’t you start.’

‘I won’t. But I did call him.’

Jean’s shoulders slumped. ‘You - what?’

‘Well, I answered his call,’ Kevin amended. 

Fucking meddler. ‘What did you say?’

Kevin shrugged. ‘Just that you were in the hospital for being a hero. Look, shut up,’ he said testily, as Jean opened his mouth to snap. ‘I did you a favour. You’re welcome.’

Jean shut his mouth and glared instead. Kevin glared back, but then grinned. Kevin’s smile transformed his face - it was always a shock, no matter how many times Jean saw it. 

‘You can go now,’ Jean said, annoyance fading. Kevin, still smirking, got up to leave.

‘Call him back,’ he said over his shoulder. ‘Capitalise on all that hero shit.’

Jean was disinclined to answer him. But once Kevin was gone, Jean scrolled through the messages on his phone. One was from Renée, inviting him to dinner next week. Another was from Laila, telling him she’d take his advice. That was good.

The last two were from Jeremy. They were almost a day apart. The most recent one was clearly in response to Kevin’s call;

 

_Hey, call or text me when you can. I’m out of town, or I’d come see you. Really hope you’re ok._

 

Jean traced the concern in those words with his eyes for a few minutes. Then he scrolled back to the earlier one. 

 

_Hey Jean. Do you want to hang out this week? I kinda feel like we weren’t done talking at the party. No pressure, but it’d be great to see you again._

 

Jean felt lightheaded, and he was too tired to interpret this. He was in no shape to talk, so instead he sent a reply. 

 

**Hey. I’m fine. Talking sucks, text me when you get this.**

 

The little typing icon appeared almost immediately; Jean’s heart fluttered as he watched it.

 

_Hey! Kevin said you had burns and smoke damage? That’s intense. How do you feel?_

 

**I’m alright. I’ve had smoke inhalation before. The burns don’t really hurt yet. Pain meds are great.**

 

_Good to hear :D I wish I could come visit you but I’m stuck at a conference upstate. This is what I get for trying to better myself. When are you getting out?_

 

**Not sure. Few days probably. Uh, actually can you feed my cat? Kevin’s allergic and Renée lives on the other side of town.**

 

_Sure! How much/often? Where do you live?_

 

Jean typed out feeding instructions for his greedy cat, the location of his spare key, and his address. 

 

_I can’t believe you live all the way over there. You walked me home twice now and then had to basically walk twice the distance back!_

 

Oops.

 

**Yeah, you got me.**

 

_Am I that good a conversationalist?_

 

**I guess I just like you.**

 

Jean would have thrown the phone across the room as soon as he hit send, but it would have hurt too much to get up and retrieve it.

He held the phone clenched in his hand without looking at it until he felt it vibrate again.

 

_I hope that’s not the pain meds talking._

 

**No, they’re wearing off. You should keep distracting me.**

 

There was nothing quite like a near-experience to encourage seizing the day.

 

_So I’m a distraction now?_

 

**I’m always kind of distracted around you. I spilled like three drinks the other night, how did you miss that?**

 

_I just assumed it was your natural clumsy nature._

 

Nothing flirty was happening as of yet, but Jean had all the time in the world to keep trying.

 

**I’m actually really graceful.**

 

_And humble!_

 

**I’m the most humble person you’ve ever met.**

 

_Pretty cute too._

 

If Jean had still been hooked up to the heart monitor the nurses would be sprinting in his direction right now. He was taking too long to respond. What did he say to that besides “no, you're cute”?

 

**_No, you're cute._ **

 

_:):):):) Remember that time you walked a thousand miles out of your way to escort me home? Cute._

 

**I can’t tell if you’re making fun or me or not.**

 

_That’s cute (I kinda am)._

 

**Say that to my face.**

 

_Trust me, I wish I could._

 

Jean was more hopped up on adrenalin now than he had been in the fire. His phone buzzed again.

 

_When you get out of the hospital, can we meet?_

 

**I’m sure we’ll bump into each other. We seem to do that a lot.**

 

_Wouldn’t hurt to make a date. LA’s a big place._

 

Jean could see his own grin reflected in the phone. 

 

**Good point. If my cat’s still alive by the time I get home I’ll think about it.**

 

_Your cat will be getting the five star treatment._

 

**Be careful. She bites.**

 

_Totally worth it._

 

Jean had been under the impression that he needed to pursue someone like Jeremy. But now it looked like he was the one being chased, and it turned out he was quite enjoying it.

He did plan to be caught fairly soon, though. As soon as he could manage it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if I've already mentioned i don't know shit about firefighting but I don't know shit about firefighting. My uncle is a fireman but he never tells me any of the good stuff


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "this will be done before nano" whyyyyy am i always lyinggggggg
> 
> Anyways I won't stall the ball too much. We're taking a break from the sads and dramatics so here's a chapter of fluffy goodness to start your weekend <3

It was typical of Jean’s life that he would have to almost die in order to make some changes. However, as things turned out, he wasn’t able to see Jeremy as soon as he would have liked. 

For starters, his cough started getting worse instead of better. He was coughing up blood, and the doctors believed he may have picked up an infection. The burns on his legs were the least of his worries. At night Jean lay awake feeling like he was suffocating. 

When they eventually let him go home, almost a week later, he found a spectacularly clean apartment, complete with a well-stocked fridge and fruit bowl, and a very clean and content Grishkin. His bed had fresh sheets on it, and there was a bowl of potpourri on the coffee table. The only thing missing was Jeremy, Jean thought with a smile, who was surely the architect of all this. 

‘Actually I bought your food,’ Kevin said, when he picked him up to bring him to the station. Jean was technically allowed to drive but Kevin insisted on picking him up, probably so he could lecture him. ‘But Jeremy did everything else.’ He threw a side glance at Jean. ‘You got that locked down yet?’

Not even Kevin’s graceless commentary on his love life could dampen Jean’s spirits when it came to Jeremy. ‘Yes, Kevin,’ Jean replied dryly. ‘Between coughing up my lungs and reaching a first name basis with the nurses who help me shower, I’ve managed to get myself a steady boyfriend. Thanks for your concern.’

Kevin navigated his truck into traffic and threw back, ‘Just making sure you don’t bitch out like you usually do.’

Jean glared at him. ‘Have you been hanging out with Allison?’

Kevin shrugged. ‘She’s been giving us baby advice. Your name comes up occasionally.’

This wasn’t too surprising. If Kevin and Allison didn’t spend so much time fighting they might have realised that they were annoyingly similar.

Jean was meeting today with his station chief to give his official statement for their records. Alvarez had already had her meeting. According to Laila, it hadn’t been pretty. At the station he met Matt, who looked very pleased to see him, and Aaron, who looked about as cheerful as Aaron ever looked. 

‘Katelyn said to say she hopes you’re feeling better,’ he said, awkwardly. Jean found he quite liked the idea of  being a friend of Katelyn’s, so he thanked Aaron warmly, who looked surprised. Matt also passed along good wishes from Dan, his girlfriend. Jean’s circle of friends certainly had expanded in his absence. 

The meeting with Bob Taheny, the station chief, wasn’t as gruelling as Jean had been anticipating. He had most of the story already, and Jean surely couldn’t add much. He tried to be honest, but did his best not to overly incriminate Alvarez. He would have gone in anyway, Jean explained. And Alvarez had been the one to find the girl. Taheny didn’t give much away, but sent him off with an easy farewell and strict instructions not to come near the place without his doctor’s note. 

Jean was in high demand. Laila and Alvarez wanted to take him out to dinner - Laila and Alvarez who were now officially a couple, thank god. Alvarez also wasn’t back to work yet, and Jean hoped that neither of them would be surprised when he started rostering them on different shifts straight away. It would be hard on them, but Jean thought he might try to fix it so that they had some of the same days off, at least. He suddenly had a lot more sympathy for their situation.

Renée and Allison also wanted to have him over, too, and so did Kevin and Thea. Jean felt like they were all conspiring to fill up his evenings so that Jean wouldn’t have to do a single thing for himself. 

The one person that he really wanted to see, however, suddenly found himself very busy. It wasn’t like they weren’t communicating - they texted practically every day - but neither of them had brought up the subject of meeting up. Jean had to go back and screenshot some of their initial texts about it, so that he could look at them whenever he started worrying that he’d dreamed it all up.

While his evenings were full of his friends - sometimes more so than he would have liked - his nights were restless. He’d experienced bad dreams before, plenty of times. His childhood had yet to stop haunting him. And going into a blazing building was a fairly big event for anyone’s subconscious to process. He’d had fire dreams before, and they weren’t so bad. Just pretty intense.

Something about this one was shaking him, though. He’d be standing in the dark hallway, feeling the heat as intense pressure all around him. He could feel the papery slide of the girl’s skin and the slippery crunch as her fingers broke underneath his boot. He’d wake up clenching his fists, pain flashing through the burns on his leg and making them twitch. 

One left him so rattled that he found himself reaching for his phone, even though it was almost 4am. 

 

_Can we meet tomorrow for coffee or something? Sorry if this wakes you. Can’t sleep._

 

Just the act of reaching out to Jeremy soothed him enough that he was able to slip into a relatively calm sleep. Upon waking, he saw that Jeremy had replied at 7:30am.

 

_Definitely! I have some errands to run after work but I walk Badger in Sycamore Park every evening at around 4:30. There’s a dog-friendly cafe there. What do you think?_

 

_Sounds good._

 

_Great :) hope you got some sleep in the end. Badger excited to meet you._

 

_The feeling’s mutual._

 

The energy from this conversation sustained Jean for the rest of the day.

‘I mean, you liked him,’ he said to Grishkin. He was dangling rainbow snake off the couch for her. She was pretending not to care, then pouncing when she thought his guard was down. ‘And he didn’t overfeed you, which means he wasn’t fooled by your “need more food” crying fake-out. Do I have your blessing?’

Grishkin had given up on rainbow snake and was now sprawled out on the floor, offering her belly like a furry bear trap. Jean was older and wiser now than he had been when he’d first fallen for that trap, but sometimes he still took the risk.

Sycamore Park was closer to Jeremy’s apartment than it was to Jean’s, so he didn’t feel bad about getting an Uber. He was a little late in leaving because Grishkin had parked herself in front of his front door and wouldn’t move. He sent a picture of her to Jeremy with the caption _She won’t let me leave_. 

Jeremy replied with a picture of a small black and white blur in an unfamiliar kitchen. _Tell her to move it or lose it, Badger’s raring to go_. Jean poured over the picture in the back of the taxi, savouring this little glimpse into Jeremy’s life. 

Jeremy was waiting for him at the park. The afternoon sun caught all the gold tones in his hair and showed them off. He was wearing a white t-shirt under a green plaid shirt and tight black jeans, and looked very soft and appealing. There was a small blur on the end of a leash racing around his legs, and Jeremy was turning in a small circle to accommodate this.

Jeremy’s face lit up when he spotted Jean. He forgot to keep turning, and the little dog wrapped himself all the way around Jeremy’s legs and got stuck. Jean laughed and went over to help.

’I swear I don’t feed him sugar,’ Jeremy said, trying to extricate himself. The dog was very small and short-haired, with black and white patches. He was skinny, with gangly legs, a short tail, and floppy ears. His tongue lolled as he jumped happily into Jean’s arms, which allowed Jeremy to unclip his leash and step out of the tangle. 

‘Ok, I got him,’ he said, scooping him out of Jean’s arms and reattaching the leash. ‘There, get down you crazy creature.’ He straightened up and turned that full, beautiful smile on Jean at last. ‘Hi,’ he said.

‘Hello,’ said Jean, relief better than any pain medication flooding through him. Then his body went still from shock as Jeremy stepped into his space and hugged him. 

It was only a half-hug, really. His other hand was still holding the dog’s leash. But it was still overwhelming - Jean’s nose was full of Jeremy’s scent, his nose was against his hair, and Jeremy’s soft body was pressed against his. Jean’s arms came up automatically to encircle his slim body. How easy it was to reciprocate this warmth, this kindness. Easier still to receive it. 

‘It’s so good to see you,’ Jeremy murmured in his ear.

Jean struggled to find his voice. ‘You too,’ he finally managed. 

They separated, and luckily for Jean the dog provided their next talking point by being an enormous distraction. 

‘Sorry, he’s out of his mind today,’ Jeremy apologised. The dog was currently straining on the end of his leash towards the park, almost pulling Jeremy’s arm off. ‘He must have slept all day while I was at work.’

They headed into the park together walking side by side, Badger stopping to sniff every bush and rock and inanimate object within reach. 

‘So how are you feeling?’ Jeremy asked. 

Jean shrugged. ‘Bored,’ he admitted, making Jeremy laugh. ‘The hospital was so boring. I wasn’t even that sick, really. I can’t go back to work for another week, and nowhere near a fire until the end of the month.’

‘Wow, that long?’

Jean nodded. ‘Doctor’s orders. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a shit ton of paperwork waiting for me, though. Nothing wrong with my hands.’ He smiled at Jeremy. ‘How’ve you been? Apart from busy feeding my cat and taking care of my home. Thank you, by the way.’

A warm kind of familiarity bloomed between them as they walked and talked about their days. Jeremy described a funny incident at school involving two of the children chasing a duck that had wandered in from a nearby park. Something about the way he told stories, particularly ones involving his students, was incredibly engaging. Jean hung on his every word. 

They traded stories back and forth as they walked through the park. The trees rustled overhead and a few scatterings of fallen lives blew over their feet. Jean told Jeremy that he was a very good influence on his brother, which seemed to thrill him.

‘We’ve spoken a few times,’ he admitted. ‘After we collided in your hallway that time. We had an argument over who was looking after your apartment which only ended when Kevin got pulled away by Andrew - literally - but he came back later and we hashed a few things out.’

Jean looked at him skeptically. ‘Kevin doesn’t make friends easy,’ he said. ‘Neither do I, honestly. What is it about you?’

Jeremy shrugged. ‘Listen, there’s no accounting for taste,’ he said. He waved his hand as he spoke, and Jean caught it in his own.

‘What are these?’ he asked, tapping the light red scratches all over the back of Jeremy’s hand. He fixed him with a stern look. ‘You tried to pet Grishkin’s belly, didn’t you?’

Jeremy’s laugh was delightful. ‘Ah, she was too fluffy for me to resist,’ he sighed. ‘She got me every time she rolled over.’

‘I still get caught in that trap ,’ Jean admitted. He was still holding Jeremy’s hand. He was reluctant to release it, and regretted it when he did. 

Badger was a constant source of entertainment. He sprinted from bush to tree to patch of grass, sniffing and lifting his leg in a frenzy. 

‘Is he always so frantic?’ Jean asked. 

Jeremy made an exaggerated shrug. ‘It’s like he forgets that we do this every evening,’ he said. ‘At least he’s happy. Each day is a new adventure.’

‘What kind of a dog is he?’

Jeremy laughed. ‘Isn’t that the question. The vet didn’t really know. She said probably some kind of terrier/labrador mix.’

Jean wrinkled his nose. ‘How would _that_ happen?’

‘Well if his parents were anything like Badger, with enthusiasm and great determination.’

Jean was starting to realise that even if Jeremy was straight and not remotely interested in him, he may still have found a best friend. They could laugh and talk and discuss things … and then Jeremy would smile or say something sweet that would make Jean’s heart flutter. The more they talked and the more comfortable Jean got with him, the more he started to wonder if Renée had been right all along. Maybe Jean would be worth it for Jeremy.

Physical therapy or no, the lack of sleep on top of everything else was starting to catch up with Jean, and he began to flag. He rubbed his chest distractedly and hoped Jeremy wouldn’t notice, but he did.

‘What’s up?’ he asked, frowning. ‘Something bothering you? Hey, we can sit for a while, there’s a bench right over there.’

‘I’m fine,’ Jean said, dropping his hand from his chest. ‘Just a little tired.’

‘Uh huh, so let’s sit,’ Jeremy said, taking his wrist. 

‘The dog will pull your arm off.’

Jeremy gave him an exasperated look. ‘Please,’ he said. ‘You think I walk enough to satisfy him every night? There’s always a bench at some point, so I come prepared.’

Sure enough, when they sat down Jeremy produced a tennis ball from his sweater pocket. 

‘Badger is still mastering the concept of fetch,’ Jeremy confided in Jean. He leaned in a little, as if he didn’t want the dog to hear. Their arms were pressed right up next to each other. ‘The law of fetch states that in order to be thrown, the ball must first be taken.’ Jeremy shook his head solemnly. ‘Badger does not agree with the law of fetch. Observe.’

Unclipping his leash got Badger’s full attention. Eyes wide and fixed upon Jeremy, he danced on his toes until the ball was thrown across the path and on to the grass.

Jean was taken aback. ‘He’s fast.’

Jeremy nodded. ‘Blink and you’ll miss him.’ Badger was already on his way back, tennis ball wedged into his jaw, all body parts going at one hundred miles per hour. He collided with Jeremy’s legs and then danced around growling at him as Jeremy repeatedly asked for the ball.

‘Badger, give,’ Jeremy said patiently, holding out his hand. ‘Watch, he gets it eventually. Badger, give.’

It took a full minute of this before Badger’s growls subsided and he placed the ball in Jeremy’s waiting palm. Jeremy straightened up with a triumphant grin.

‘See?’ he said, showing Jean the ball. ‘That took twenty minutes and some wrestling the first time. He’s a slow learner, but he learns.’

‘You’re a great teacher,’ said Jean in a daze, fighting the bizarre urge to kiss him. 

‘It’s been said,’ Jeremy said confidentially, dropping him a wink. He tossed the ball again for Badger. ‘So you said you haven’t been sleeping. What’s up?’

Jean’s eyes were still fixed on Jeremy; he blinked to clear his vision, and ran a hand over his face to buy himself some time.

‘Uh, just usual post-fire stuff,’ he said. ‘The girl was, ah, pretty injured. I keep having dreams about her.’

He felt his boots roll over her fingers before crunching down, breaking them. Jean tried not to shudder.

‘So it’s not the fire?’ Jeremy asked. He had one hand on the ball, waiting for Badger to release it.

Jean shook his head. ‘I’ve never had bad fire dreams,’ he said. ‘I mean, I get them - everyone does - but they stopped bothering me years ago.’

Jeremy nodded taking this in. ‘So you’re not afraid of them, even given how your family died?’

Jean hesitated. ‘No …’ he said slowly. ‘I - I was actually there. The night they died. I was in the back yard.’

Jeremy frowned slightly, but waited for Jean to go on.

‘My father had sent me out of the house. I don’t remember why. I ran down the street, but then I came back. It was cold, and I didn’t want to go far. So I sat in the back yard, under a tree, for hours. When the house started to go up, I didn’t move. All the trees around the house caught on fire too. I couldn’t move, I just … sat there.’

Badger had dropped the ball at Jeremy’s feet but was being ignored. 

‘The whole yard burned down around me. A firefighter dragged me out through the fence in the back, or I probably would have burned too. I didn’t have a scratch. No one questioned me when I said I hadn’t been there.’

‘How’d the fire start?’

Jean shrugged. ‘Christmas tree lights overheated.’

Jeremy’s face fell. ‘Oh, Jean,’ he said, sadly. ‘I’m sorry.’

Jean shook his head. ‘I was better off,’ he said. ‘Not right away. Not until …  I mean, if I hadn’t come to America I wouldn’t have met Kevin or Renée. My foster family were … also not good. But I knew it wouldn’t be forever. So, I have to believe that it was good for me. Eventually.’

‘But they were your parents,’ Jeremy said softly. 

Jean’s smile was very small. ‘I know,’ he said, quietly. He turned to look at Jeremy’s soft brown eyes, creased with concern. ‘But bad people make bad parents, you know?’

Jeremy thought about this. He ducked his head down to throw the ball for Badger, and spent a few moments rubbing his floppy ears and bouncing the ball for him. When he finally straightened up and looked back at Jean, he said, ‘So if your parents were bad, and your foster family were bad … where did you come from?’

Jean cocked his head. ‘What?’

‘I mean you.’ Jeremy said deliberately. ‘You’re a classic case of nature over nurture, Jean. You’re a sweetheart who had every chance to grow up horrible.’ Jeremy smiled at him. ‘If you don’t mind my saying so.’

Jean didn’t know what to say to that. He supposed it looked different if you didn’t know the full story. Jean wondered if Jeremy would change his tune if he knew how Jean had kicked out and fought, how he’d pushed people away and continued to do so throughout his life. Maybe he hadn’t turned out mean, but that didn’t mean he’d turned out ok.

‘I don’t mean to presume,’ Jeremy added, holding out his hand hopefully to Badger, who only growled and kept the ball. ‘Maybe you’re a psychopath just waiting for me to lower my guard.’ He glanced at Jean and smirked.

Jean gulped. ‘Maybe I am,’ he allowed, trying to get back on even ground. ‘I might not be very good at all.’

Jeremy winked. ‘I’ll take my chances,’ he said. ‘You’re worth the risk.’

If Jean had been more practised at flirting, he might have recognised it earlier. By the time they’d walked all the way around the lake and made it to the doggy cafe, however, Jean was starting to feel very warm and fuzzy about the whole situation. Jeremy repeatedly touched his arm and smiled at him, and the conversation flowed easy between them. They stuck to safer subjects after that, which is how Jean found out that Jeremy had gone to a Halloween party dressed as Bob Ross.

‘Who’s Bob Ross?’ asked Jean, bracing himself for the usual ridicule.

‘He’s a painter who had a tv show,’ Jeremy explained. ‘Wanna see a photo?’

He took out his phone to show Jean what turned out to be a photo of him with three other people, presumably at the party, wearing a giant curly haired wig and a white shirt and holding a paintbrush. The reference was lost on Jean, but he was suddenly very distracted by Jeremy, who had leaned in close to share the phone. They were tucked in together standing beneath a tree while Badger panted at their feet. 

‘That’s my friend Conor,’ Jeremy said, pointing at the man with a buzzcut in a pink dress next to him. ‘He went as Eleven from Stranger Things. You watch that show?’

Jean shook his head. He’d been asked this before, and people had reacted like he’d announced he ate babies for breakfast.

Once again, Jeremy played it cool. ‘It’s pretty good,’ was all he said, swiping idly on his phone. ‘Oh, I meant to show you these …’

What followed were a series of photos of the kids in his class dressed up for Halloween. Jean insisted on sitting down again so that he could look properly, so Jeremy went into the cafe and ordered their drinks while Jean entered a new world of children dressed as pumpkins. 

‘Yeah, a whole lot of parents had the same idea,’ Jeremy said, laughing, as he sat down with their coffees. He had a bottle of water for Badger which he poured into the little bowl beneath their table. 

‘There’s so many of them,’ Jean marvelled, scrolling through each photo. Jeremy had taken a photo of each child, because of course he had. ‘Oh my god.’

‘Is that the group photo?’ Jeremy asked, amused. 

Jean covered his grin with his hand. Of the 20 children, at least 12 of them were pumpkins. The rest were an assortment of princesses and superheroes, striking a variety of poses.

‘My little pumpkin patch,’ Jeremy proudly. ‘I had to make a big deal about it so no one felt overlooked.’

Jean had never dressed up for Halloween in his life, but all the kids looked like they were having great fun. He handed the phone back to Jeremy, feeling thoughtful.

‘Parents night is coming up soon, right?’

Jeremy looked at him in surprise. ‘Yeah, how’d you know that?’

Jean shrugged. ‘Renée. She gets a little tense around this time of year.’

Jeremy nodded. ‘Ah,’ he said. ‘Yeah, well, me and her both. Right now the only thing I have going for me is that the kids like me enough to tie ribbons on to their own backpacks - we did a whole art class with it - but I’m half scared I’ll get some macho dad coming at me like I’m turning his kid gay via ribbons or something.’

Jean couldn’t imagine that anyone meeting Jeremy for the first time wouldn’t instantly trust him with their first born, but he didn’t quite know how to communicate that. 

‘I’m sure it’ll be fine,’ he said. And then, in a flash of inspiration, ‘Renée thinks very highly of you.’

Jeremy’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Really?’ he asked. He was trying not to look too pleased. ‘What did she - no, sorry, I shouldn’t ask.’

‘She said you’re very talented teacher,’ Jean ploughed on recklessly. ‘And she said she’s very glad she has you on staff, and she’s worried about losing you to a better school.’

Shit. That last part was definitely confidential. Would Renée forgive the slip if it was all in pursuit of a date and Jean’s future happiness, etc?

‘Don’t tell her I told you that,’ Jean added quickly, then tried to drown himself in his coffee. Badger was splashing around his bowl noisily, and Jeremy leaned down to drag him out of it before replying. 

‘Well,’ he said, ears thoroughly pink. ‘That’s my self-esteem boost for the week, thank you Jean. And Renée too, I guess. I keep forgetting you’re friends with the boss.’

Jean smiled a little to himself. ‘Renée’s always been the boss to me. She was the only one Riko was afraid of.’ He glanced up at Jeremy’s questioning expression. ‘My foster brother,’ he explained. ‘Him and his little gang would always think twice about kicking the shit out of Kevin and I if Renée was around. She was like our bodyguard.’ He paused. ‘Riko would usually get us in the end,’ he added. ‘At home. Kevin and I stayed out a lot, hanging out where we weren’t supposed to.’

Once again, Jean found himself lulled into talking about him past, even though he hadn’t intended to. But it was pleasant, sitting here with Jeremy. The sun was sinking lower in the sky but it was still warm. The wind blew leaves around for Badger to chase, and Jean’s feet rested right beside Jeremy’s. It felt domestic, like they were a couple. Just a couple and their dog, out for a walk. 

Jean wanted to go home and for Jeremy to be there too. Jean wanted to go to bed and not find himself alone there. 

‘Can’t imagine you two as a couple of hoodlums,’ Jeremy joked. 

‘Yeah, Kevin talked a big game but he always went home,’ Jean said. Was this the first time he’d ever smiled fondly at a childhood memory? ‘I stayed out and got into trouble.’

Jeremy’s forehead creased briefly. ‘Is that how you got …’

Jeremy tapped his own rather adorable nose, and Jean felt a twinge in his crooked one. 

‘No,’ he said, fingers twitching towards it, compulsively wanting to feel the bump and unevenness. ‘Riko broke it, a few nights before he died.’

Jeremy didn’t pry, but he didn’t have to. 

‘Don’t feel sorry for me,’ Jean said quickly. ‘That part of my life is over and done with. I don’t think about it anymore.’

Jeremy’s chin was propped up on his fist as he looked at Jean thoughtfully. ‘We rarely leave these things so far behind us,’ he said quietly. ‘There’s no time limit for when we have to be officially ok with these things.’

Renée had said as much to him before. He hadn’t listened then, but maybe he just hadn’t wanted to hear  it.

‘Yeah,’ he said. ‘Sometimes I just feel like everyone else is fine, and I’m the only one who isn’t. Like, I should just get over stuff, right?’

Jean realised he hadn’t really gone into specifics with Jeremy and thus probably sounded like a little crybaby, but curiosity and a desire for some kind of recognition drove him forward. 

‘Please tell me to shut the fuck up about my problems,’ he added, embarrassment catching up to him about half an hour late. ‘I realise that they’re very boring, which is why I don’t talk about them. What did you put in this coffee?’ he finished, sitting up straight and pretending to peer into the cup.

Jeremy was still gazing at him, chin in hand. ‘I don’t find it boring. No, I didn’t want to point it out,’ he said, with unusual frankness. ‘But have you considered the fact it’s because we just get along?’

A slow, pleased blush spread across Jean’s cheeks. ‘Well, sure,’ he muttered. ‘I guess I just don’t have many friends.’

Jeremy nudged his leg under the table. ‘Never too late to make some,’ he said. His eyes were sparkling like the sun reflecting off the lake beside them. Jean was dazzled. 

‘How about this time I walk you home?’ Jeremy added, with a little smirk. ‘I mean, I do know where you live now.’

‘Sure,’ said Jean, helplessly. 

Jean wasn’t given to daydreaming or fantasy, but the whole walk home with Jeremy beside him he pretended. He pretended that this was real and that Jeremy was his, and they were going home to the apartment where they lived together. His hand ached where it hung limply at his side because it was empty. It took him right up to where they were standing in front of his apartment saying goodbye for Jean to realise that he should have kissed Jeremy hours ago. As soon as he’d untangled himself from Badger’s leash, if not before. 

But then Jeremy was talking about racing Badger home, and how he was meeting a friend for dinner, and Jean distracted them both with a fit of coughing. He rubbed his chest, wincing, and almost choked when Jeremy touched his arm.

‘Hey,’ he said, voice serious. ‘Do you think you’ll be able to sleep, now? I mean, do you want to talk about it some more?’

Jean’s brain was so full of Jeremy that he didn’t think anything else could possibly intrude on his dreams, but realistically he knew better. 

‘I think I’ll be fine,’ he said, managing a little smile. 

‘You know you can call me whenever, if you need to talk, right?’ Jeremy was looking at him earnestly. ‘Seriously. _Call me_. Ok?’

Jean nodded, pretending to agree. ‘Sure, I will,’ he said. Much as he’d like to, he’d never become the guy in Jeremy’s life who calls him at 4am because he had a nightmare. ‘Thanks.’

Jeremy smiled that big ole smile that made Jean’s heart jump out of his chest. ‘Any time,’ he said, cheerfully. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back to the sad shit next xoxo


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had to update the tags this chapter so if anyone is sensitive to road deaths then pls beware. This also goes for the next chapter

Jean was cleared to go back to work the following week, though he was off fire duty. This still left him with plenty of work to do, and he was so eager to make himself useful again that he made himself available for on call duties as often as he could. He was so busy that he was able to use it as an excuse not to call Jeremy or see anyone and just generally slip back into his old reclusive ways. It was lonely and fairly joyless but it was easy to keep telling himself that he wasn’t ready. He’d analyse that eventually.

However, as had already been proved, Jeremy was far more brave than Jean was. He texted him at least once a day, for a variety of reasons, and each time Jean found himself responding with genuine enthusiasm. They’d talk practically all day, carrying on the conversation between work and whatever else, and at the end of it Jean would be left missing him and promising himself that tomorrow, he’d call Jeremy and they’d talk for real. 

But every day he made up a new excuse, or just straight up ignored the voice in his head that insisted that he’d be much, much happier with Jeremy in his life as much as possible.

Jean’s return to work was overshadowed by Alvarez’s, who had much the same doctor’s orders as Jean and probably would have been more annoyed at Jean for rostering her on completely opposite shifts to Laila if she wasn’t still guilty for almost getting him killed. When Jean arrived that evening she was surrounded by their crew in the locker room. Laila, who was just finishing up her shift and was currently hanging off Alvarez’s arm, was the first to catch Jean’s eye and have the decency to not look like she was at a party. But Aaron and Matt and a few others were still bustling around and teasing the two of them. Jean refrained from reminding them all that Alvarez was not a celebrity and had only just escaped being put on probation. It was his first day back, after all. He should go easy on them. 

They remembered to say hello eventually. Matt clapped him on the back because he was a good sort, and even Aaron nodded at him. Alvarez slunk over to make sure the air was clear, but Jean just waved her away. 

‘I said we were good, so we are,’ he reminded her. ‘Work on keeping your focus and concentration from now on.’

Alvarez nodded. ‘I will,’ she said, earnestly. Jean had to admit that, throughout the course of the next few hours of drills together, a lot of her bravado had gone. She seemed calm and happy, and smiled for no reason at all several times. It didn’t dawn on Jean why exactly she was in such a good mood until she cornered him in the break room.

‘What?’ Jean said defensively, holding up his coffee mug like a shield.

‘Nothing, calm down,’ she said, smiling at him. ‘I just wanted to say thank you.’

Jean frowned suspiciously. ‘What now?’

Alvarez leaned against the counter next to him and folded her arms. ‘You know,’ she said, lowering her voice. ‘Laila told me what you said to her at the hospital. She got such a shock she came running in and told me how she felt. She just said it, just like that.’ Alvarez shook her head. ‘I’d thought I was being so obvious, but she hadn’t a clue. She just thought I was naturally like that.’

Something about this conversation was reminding Jean of how Jeremy kept asking him to call him. 

‘It’s fine,’ Jean said, shrugging. ‘Apparently, my price for matchmaking is godparent of your first born child.’

Alvarez’s eyebrows shot up. ‘Uh, we’re not quite there yet,’ she said blushing.

Jean nodded. ‘Well, let me know when you want to get married and I’ll turn up and guilt Laila into proposing, too.’

Alvarez looked at him strangely. ‘You’re in a very good mood,’ she commented. 

‘So are you.’

‘Yeah, but I have a reason,’ she pointed out. ‘What’s yours?’

Jean had already been deep in conversation with Jeremy today about their pets’ morning exploits and their preferred time of the year in LA and why. There was a response from Jeremy in his pocket that he had not yet read but was itching to. Rose Hill’s parent teacher conference was tonight and Jeremy was very nervous. Jean was eager to reassure him. 

‘Nothing,’ he said, unconvincingly. 

Now it was Alvarez’s turn to look suspicious. ‘Mm, I don’t know,’ she said, pursing her lips. ‘Are you seeing someone?’

The chatter in the kitchen had reached an unfortunately timed lull, or maybe Alvarez had just stopped bothering to lower her voice now that she was out of the line of fire. Either way, heads turned. 

‘Back to work,’ Jean said breezily. ‘You all done in here? I’m sure there are more drills to be done.’

He’d never retreated to his office so fast. Truthfully he too had a mountain of paperwork, so he resisted looking at his phone for about 35 minutes until he found himself mentally planning out messages to Jeremy. He’d had to bring his charger to work with him; ever since he’d finally starting making use of all that unlimited data he was paying for, his phone hadn’t known what hit it. 

 

_Is this appropriate for a parent teacher conference?_

 

Jeremy had sent a photo of himself from the neck down, wearing a neat button up and skinny tie and a suitably humble cardigan. The phone buzzed again.

 

_Or should I go for something more formal like a blazer??_

 

Jean smothered a smile and tapped out his reply.

 

**You teach their kids how to spell their names, you’re not giving them financial advice. Cardigan is a good look.**

 

Jean had never said those words before in his life, let alone text them, but Jeremy was undeniable working it. 

 

_I feel like a librarian._

 

Jean had to take a long minute in order to talk himself out of a sexy librarian comment. He still wasn’t entirely convinced but managed to type:

 

**If I were a parent I would be reassured and comforted.**

 

_Ah, just what every eligible young man wants to hear._

 

Jean may have detected a slight note of sarcasm here, but it was so hard to tell through text.

The rest of the night passed slowly. The paperwork was laborious, as Jean had missed so much time, and there was no Jeremy to distract him. He wandered around the station sometimes, checking on people and seeing if they needed help with anything. But for the most part, the crew knew how to keep themselves busy on long nights. Most spent the time exercising, practising drills, brushing up on theory, or studying for exams. Matt asked him to write a character reference for an apartment he was hoping to buy with his girlfriend, which Jean happily agreed to do.

‘They need one from a superior, so I thought of you straight away,’ Matt grinned. ‘Thanks man, I really appreciate it.’

‘No problem,’ Jean said. ‘You haven’t lived together before?’

Matt shook his head. ‘Nope,’ he said, looking incredibly pleased with himself. ‘First time. I’m so pumped. Like, we’re not getting married or anything, but getting to see her every day is gonna be such a trip. First thing in the morning, and last thing at night? I can’t wait.’

He looked rather beside himself. Aaron was rolling his eyes, but he had a soft look on his face all the same. Jean wondered if he and Katelyn were living together yet. 

‘He’s been coughing up rainbows for weeks,’ Aaron commented, giving Matt a little shove. ‘The sooner he moves in and Dan settles him down the better.’

Jean went back up to his office to work on the character reference. He’d never written one before and felt like Jeremy would give very good advice on the subject, but parent’s night was surely still going. Jeremy had mentioned going out for drinks with a few teachers afterwards, so Jean probably wouldn’t hear from him again tonight. Jean tried not to think about that.

After half an hour staring at a blank screen he got up for another wander. It was just after ten, the night barely begun. Jean wandered up to the balcony on the third floor for some air. It was just a small space off a landing where you could step out for a breather. It helped especially on night shifts if the bad dreams were getting to you. The bunks and hallways could feel too small when your brain was reminding you of all the times you had to struggle down narrow passages filled with smoke and flame; coming out here to stare at the moon worked wonders on a tired mind. 

He’d only been staring for a few minutes, however, when his phone rang. Jean was too startled by the fact that it was Jeremy calling him to even be nervous.

‘Hello?’

‘Jean.’ Jeremy said his name like a sigh of relief. ‘Hi, sorry to bother you at work. I was afraid you were out on a call. Are you busy?’

Jean had never felt less busy in his life. ‘No, not at all,’ he said, leaning back against the railing. ‘What’s up? How did tonight go?’

Jeremy didn’t immediately answer. ‘Uh, it wasn’t great,’ he said. ‘At lot of the parents wanted one on ones. There was some yelling.’

Jean’s heart sank even as he felt his hackles rise. ‘What? Why?’ he demanded. 

‘Oh man, a ton of stuff,’ Jeremy said. He sounded as low as Jean had ever heard him. ‘I spoke to Renée, she told me she’s had way worse and that I shouldn’t worry. But I’m still … It just sucks, you know? I really thought I was doing a good job.’

Jean was incensed. ‘You were,’ he insisted. ‘You are.’

‘I just felt like I couldn’t win,’ Jeremy went on. ‘Some parents were mad that I was giving too much homework. Some were angry that I gave too little. One woman raged at me in Mandarin for like ten minutes, I hadn’t a clue what she was saying. Her kid’s making progress in English but it sounds like it doesn’t get spoken at home so his homework is always really poor …’ He sighed heavily. ‘I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do.’

‘You need a drink,’ Jean said, firmly. ‘Are you going out with the other teachers?’

‘No,’ Jeremy said. ‘They were all in such high spirits, I’d only bring them down. And I don’t really feel like being around them right now.’ He sighed. ‘I would like a drink, though. Might stop by a liquor store on my way home. I just … I wanted to talk to you first.’

Jean felt a pleased smile spread across his face, completely unconsciously. ‘I’m sorry you’ve had such a bad night,’ he said, trying to kick the smile out of his voice and sound appropriately sincere. ‘Listen, if you want - I mean, I might technically have to rush out the door at any moment, and I know you said you didn’t want company … but I have a really good bottle of whiskey in my desk drawer and a whole lot of paperwork I don’t want to do. If you feel like getting your drinks paid for.’

There was a pause on the other end of the line in which Jean was sure Jeremy was trying to figure out how to politely say no.

‘Jean,’ he said, eventually. ‘Are you sure? I mean, are you allowed just have friends over to drink in your office while you’re on duty?’

Jean dismissed that. ‘I’m the shift manager, I can do what I want,’ he said. Not true, at all. But a visitor during work hours was only a problem if said visitor got in the way. Jeremy wouldn’t get in the way. Jean would tuck him away in his office and give him as much to drink as he wanted and then let him sleep it off on his couch or call him a cab. Whichever Jeremy wanted. 

‘Man, I just called you for sympathy, I don’t want to hijack your night with my misery,’ Jeremy complained. 

Jean decided to give it one more go before deciding that Jeremy was trying to decline. 

‘Look,’ he said, lowering his voice in case anyone was wandering around in the hallway behind him. ‘Honestly, I’d love your company tonight. Even if you’re not in a good mood.’ Then, fearing he’d said too much, he added, ‘It beats sitting around by myself, anyways.’

Jeremy hesitated again, then relented. ‘Ok,’ he said, sounding a bit more enthusiastic. Jean doubted that Jeremy could stay in bad form for long. ‘Ok, you’ve twisted my arm. So can I use the front door or should I just climb up the fire pole?’

Jean met Jeremy at the service entrance around the back. His hair and clothes were still impeccable, despite the fact that Jean knew he had a tendency to run his hand through his hair when he was frustrated. His eyes looked tired, though, and his faced showed signs of sadness. Jean wanted to hug him, but felt it might be a bit too forward.

‘Hi,’ he said, smiling tiredly up at Jean and holding up a paper bag. ‘I brought you donuts. I know that’s the police officer stereotype but I couldn’t think of the firefighter equivalent.’

Nothing in that bag could be sweeter than Jeremy right now. ‘Thanks,’ Jean said, heart swelling. ‘You didn’t have to.’

‘Payment for the whiskey,’ Jeremy said. ‘Seriously, which way is it?’

Jean led him through the fire station, avoiding the more populated areas where he could. Technically no one would bat an eyelid, but Matt and Aaron knew Jeremy, and it would be typical of Alvarez to take one look at him and start jumping to all the wrong conclusions. 

‘Aw, it’s so cosy,’ Jeremy commented, as Jean shut his office door behind them.

‘Don’t lie,’ Jean said easily, pulling up a chair to his desk and reaching into the drawer for the goods.

‘It is,’ Jeremy insisted. ‘I mean, it’s nice. It’s not very you, but it’s nicer than my little cave.’

Jean stalled on that, wondering what Jeremy thought the office would need to look like to be considered “very you”. He excused himself to go get a glass from the kitchen and compose himself. When he came back, however, the few shreds of composure he’d managed to salvage on the walk were ripped to shreds by the sight of Jeremy holding a framed photo in his hands, the one Jean kept on his desk. He had such a strange expression on his face; he was smiling, but it was like it went deeper than that. Jean shouldn’t have been surprised. Jeremy was into all that family stuff. 

The photo was of Jean, Kevin, and Renée, right after Jean had graduated from the Fire Academy. Kevin had been working towards his detective’s badge and Renée had been taking her teaching exams, so it had been a stressful and exhausting time for all three of them. But it was a good photo, Jean’s favourite. Kevin’s hair was neat, Jean’s tie was straight, and Renée was wearing makeup. And best of all, they were smiling at each other. Laughing, in fact. Something smart that Renée had said. Allison was a creeper with her camera.

The way Jeremy was looking at it suggested that he found it as special as Jean did. 

Jeremy looked up, noticing Jean. ’Sorry,’ he said, moving to put the photo back down. Jean motioned that it was fine. ‘When was this taken?’

Jean set the glass down on the table and told him. ‘I don’t know why we don’t have more photos like that,’ he finished.

He did know, really. It was hard to get them all happy and in the same place, even when there was an occasion. Renée tried her best, but even she had her own demons. A foster kid herself, she’d gotten out much earlier than Jean and Kevin had; but, like Jeremy had said, things like that rarely get left so far behind. 

‘It’s nice,’ Jeremy said. ‘You’re lucky that you’re all in the same city. I have three sisters, but we never see each other.’

‘Where are they?’ Jean asked, as they took their seats. He’d thought about offering the couch, but maybe that was too intimate. Jeremy’s chair was more to the side of the desk, with only the corner of the thing separating them. He poured a small measure of the whiskey and pushed the glass across, feeling more like a bartender in a movie than a friend but happy to be helping Jeremy nonetheless.

‘All over,’ Jeremy said, accepting the glass gratefully. ‘Thanks.’ He took a small swallow, and sighed. ‘Melissa’s in Houston working some tech job at the Space Centre. Nothing exciting,’ he assured Jean. ‘But Beth and Amy are both in Canada. I guess they’re just busy with their lives … and Melissa and I both live in tiny apartments since we sold Mom’s house, so there’s nowhere really for anyone to stay.’ Jeremy shrugged. 

Jean frowned. ‘That’s a shame,’ he muttered, because it was. Fucked up childhood or not, he knew he wouldn’t be half the person he was without Renée and Kevin nearby and in his life. 

Jeremy nodded, then took another sip. ‘Shit, this really is good,’ he commented. 

‘Right?’ Jean agreed. 

‘It’s wasted on me,’ Jeremy added, looking up at him, eyes wide with sincerity. ‘Seriously. I drink beer. You should be saving this.’

Jean waved his hand. ‘Don’t worry about it,’ he assured him. ‘Kevin gets me a bottle twice a year for my birthday and Christmas because he has all the imagination of a golden retriever. My birthday’s July 2, and it takes me at least 6 months to finish a bottle. I always end up taking the last few mouthfuls home and cooking with it,’ he finished with a shrug.

‘Oh yeah?’ Jeremy was intrigued. ‘What do you make with it?’

‘Uh, lots of things,’ Jean said. ‘Marinaded chicken. Pork chops and mushrooms. Ice cream. Brownies.’

‘Oh my god,’ Jeremy said. ‘That sounds amazing. Do you cook a lot?’

Jean nodded. ‘Yeah. I like when I have a day off and I can do something, like, elaborate.’

Jeremy looked impressed. ‘Man, I really admire that,’ he said seriously. ‘Like, the dedication to actually making something worth eating. For me if something requires more than, like, twenty minutes cooking time then it’s not happening.’

Jean gave a little laugh, shaking his head. 

‘I’m serious,’ Jeremy said, smiling at Jean’s amusement. ‘I have cereal for dinner like three times a week. Badger eats better than I do.’

‘Oh no,’ Jean teased. ‘That’s awful. I’ll have to cook for you one night and show you what you’re missing.’

Jeremy was leaning forward, looking interested. ‘Definitely,’ he said, voice low. ‘I’d love that.’

It took Jean another twenty minutes or so of this kind of talk for him to realise that they were flirting. It was light and casual, with much smiling on both their parts, but it was definitely flirting. What surprised him more was how easily it came to him. He’d always considered flirting a challenge; thinking up lines and making moves, trying to find a balance between sounding interesting and interested. To him, it had felt being examined on something that he’d never learned in the first place. 

Flirting with Jeremy was so easy that he hadn’t had a single thought towards it. They bantered back and forth, Jeremy telling amusing stories about work and his friends and his dog, Jean occasionally contributing some small pieces of his own, but always underneath there was a subtle teasing, and a cautious, probing tone that told the other _I’m interested_. Jeremy’s whole body was tilted towards him, his head cocked as he listened to Jean thoughtfully. Occasionally he’d rest his elbow on the desk and his chin on his fist, smiling at Jean as he told him about how he’d been the first person to hold baby Noah and not have him scream the place down, or how he only had to make whiskey brownies for the station to have them literally eating out of his palm for a week.

‘I can imagine,’ Jeremy said, with an appreciative tone. He showed no signs of feeling the whiskey’s influence, but Jean was now making a mental note to reign it in the longer he drank. He himself was sipping a soda to keep Jeremy company. ‘I’m sure everything you make is as tasteful and elegant as you are.’

Jean blinked. Ok, maybe he was feeling the influence after all. 

‘Are you drunk?’ he asked, frowning.

Jeremy laughed, and he really didn’t sound drunk. Jean was confused. 

‘Just being a little honest,’ he said, with a flick of his hand. ‘Hope that’s ok.’

Jean was still a little bemused, but said that it was. Jeremy nodded, twirling his finger around the rim of his glass.

‘I just really feel like we - I mean, we get along very well,’ he went on. He was a little coy now, eyes averted. ‘I feel like I can talk to you, and be honest with you.’

Jean really wanted to say how much that was true for him too, but he didn’t want to steal Jeremy’s moment.

‘I mean maybe I’m barking up the wrong tree here, but we’re like, good friends. Aren’t we?’ He ran a hand through his hair. ‘I swear I’m more articulate when I’m teaching,’ he muttered. 

Jean rushed to the rescue. ‘We are,’ he said. ‘I feel like we’ve had this conversation before,’ he added with a smile. 

‘I know we have, but I think it bears repeating,’ Jeremy said firmly. ‘I want everyone to be very clear on the fact that I like you, ok?’ 

In the ringing silence that followed, Jeremy poured himself another, significantly larger, glass of whiskey. 

‘So, ever smoked pot?’ he asked in a hurry. 

Jean allowed him the topic change, because he himself had been scrambling for an appropriate response and had come up empty. If he was anything like the smart human that his family and employers believed him to be, he would have just said “I like you too, a lot, so can we please kiss now?”. 

Jean admitted that he had smoked pot - he’d done a lot more than that too, but there was no need to bring up his sordid, unflattering past while the conversation was so rosy. Jeremy said he’d only done it the once, but he’d been too drunk and had thrown up afterwards. ‘So I never got the hype about smoking pot,’ he confessed. ‘And I couldn’t understand why it had such a chill party association. How were they keeping down all those munchies if they were puking their guts up?’ He laughed at himself as Jean smiled, completely besotted. 

The conversation went on, returning to its earlier, flirtatious vibe as the night stretched into the early morning, and Jean found himself making some decisions. The first one was that he really, really liked Jeremy - he thought he might even love him, but he wasn’t sure how long you had to know a person before you could love them, so he was shelving that particular feeling for now. 

The second decision was that if Jeremy was still standing when Jean’s shift ended at 6am, then Jean would drink as much whiskey as he could in one go and then kiss him. 

They eventually got around to the details of parents night. Jeremy was solidly drunk at this point, but he was unsurprisingly a very neat and unproblematic drunken creature. He just smiled a lot more. 

‘I’m told that parents night is horrendous for all Kindergarten teachers,’ he admitted. ‘I’m in a Facebook group with like all the KT teachers in LA. Parents are so nervous when their kids are that young, and kids are _terrible -_ they repeat everything, and make you feel like you’re doing the worst job ever. I had one kid - ‘ he broke off to laugh, remembering. ‘This one kid, last year - I had them all talking about their families because it’s what they know best and it’s a good way to get them talking out loud. This kid, he goes, “well my daddy does all the housework and cooks the dinner and my mommy sits around drinking Bordeaux”.’ Jeremy dissolved into quiet laughter. ‘I met his mother at parents night - she was mortified that her son had decided to share this anecdote from Valentine’s Day nine months previous.’ 

He shook his head again. ‘Ah, but there was no fun like that this year,’ he went on, humour fading. ‘I think it was a lot of bad luck that so many of the kids were the oldest in their families. First timers are the worst. I mean - well, no,’ he amended, waving his hand. ‘Some were fine. Some were perfectly happy sitting in their kids’ seats and listening to me talk about how they were all learning math and spelling and whatever else, and they went home as soon as I was done.’ He rubbed a hand over his eyes. ‘When I saw how many of them were queuing up outside for one on ones, I almost died. And, like, I have to take them into my office for it. You know my office,’ he said, seriously. ‘That fucking cubbyhole. I was calling them in from the classroom, and usually it’s just one parent who bothers turning up but tonight it was _always two_. Literally, full sets of moms and dads for every one on one. And the dads would get up out of their chairs and stomp around the office, and the moms would lean in real close and ask these questions …’ He had dropped his head into his hands but now he sat back up suddenly. ‘You know, one of them started criticising me and then she looked at my hand and made this face - ’ he scrunched up his own in imitation, ‘- and said, “Hmph, not married. Figures”.’ Jeremy threw his hands up. ‘Like, what is that supposed to mean?’

Jean winced sympathetically, thinking how very hard it must be to be graded on the success of other people - and children, no less. Jean found himself thinking gratefully of his own job, where the people he managed were trained adults who could generally be counted on not to get him fired.

‘Oh, and they love to point out that I’m not a parent,’ said Jeremy, who had a head of steam built up now. ‘If I had a dollar for every time a parent asked me, all serious and pointedly, “Mr Knox, do you have children?”. And then follow it up with a, “Well, here’s why you’re wrong and I’m right based on the fact that you don’t”.’ 

To Jean’s dismay, Jeremy’s head drooped, and his hand came up to touch his temple like he had a headache. ‘Christ. I _know_ these kids. I see them every day. I know the ones who come in hungry and the ones who go home nervous. And there’s nothing I can do except make sure they have a good day and learn as much as they can. I do my best every fucking day for them. So to have these parents come at me like … Like this one father was raging because the meetings were running late and they’re going on a trip. Like, they’re whisking their son off in the middle of the night to drive to the airport, and this was his particular axe to grind with me. Never mind that I’m pretty sure that their son is dyslexic. They didn’t want to hear a fucking word about that.’

Jean couldn’t help it. Jeremy looked so downcast that he leaned in and put a hand on his knee, squeezing it in what he hoped was a comforting way. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he murmured, when Jeremy didn’t look at him. ‘It sounds awful, and I know it probably feels awful now too. But you know in your heart that you’re doing a good job with these kids. You know it and I know it. So you’ve just gotta focus on that, and on the kids.’ He paused, thinking about it. ‘You know, people lash out when they feel like they need someone to blame. People I drag out of fires rage and slap me because they fell asleep with a cigarette in their hand and we didn’t get there in time to stop their family photographs getting torched. Maybe parents see that their children are having problems, or aren’t connecting with them, and they want to blame the teacher or whoever else they can because the alternative is admitting that they’ve done something wrong.’

Jeremy slowly turned his eyes on Jean during that little speech - possibly one of the longest he’d ever made - and when he’d finished he reached out and put his hand over Jean’s.

‘Yeah,’ he said, his voice heartbreakingly small and vulnerable. ‘Yeah, maybe. Thanks, Jean.’

Jean smiled. ‘Just being a little honest.’

Jeremy smiled, hesitantly. ‘Can I ask you something?’

Jean nodded. 

Jeremy paused, his big brown eyes fixed on Jean. ‘I hope I’m allowed to ask this now,’ he said. ‘And I hope you don’t think I’m just being nosy.’ His eyes were serious, like he was trying to communicate something silently. His hand, still covering Jean’s, now moved down to take Jean’s wrist. Jean tensed as he realised what was coming. 

Jeremy’s soft fingertips traced over the slightly raised white scars on Jean’s wrist. Right over the veins. 

‘What happened here?’ he asked softly. He traced the scars again, very gently, as though they might still hurt. 

Sometimes Jean forgot that other people could see them too. Of course Jeremy would have noticed. 

Resisting the urge to pull his hand away and tug his sleeve down wasn’t as tough as it had been in the past. ‘Being a teenager was hard,’ he said. He was trying for levity, but Jeremy’s solemn gaze made him realise that he deserved sincerity after how open he’d been with Jean.

‘I never thought I would get away from my foster family,’ Jean admitted. He didn’t know where to look at first, but then found Jeremy’s eyes, and with them, strength. ‘I was confused and scared and angry, and I couldn’t see past any of it. I thought it would follow me forever - that he would be around me forever.’

‘Your other brother,’ Jeremy said softly. 

Jean’s gaze darkened. ‘He was never my brother,’ he said softly. ‘Just on paper.’ 

He let Jeremy stroke his wrist some more before he continued. ‘It was a little after Kevin had moved out. Renée was already gone. They didn’t abandon me, but that’s what it felt like. I couldn’t function. I was so far behind in school that I knew I’d have to repeat my final year. I couldn’t do another year with them.’

Jeremy’s face was full of sorrow. ‘So what happened?’

Jean turned his hand so that he could touch Jeremy’s own wrist. ‘They found me. They weren’t supposed to be home …’ He flinched slightly as the memory slammed into him. He hadn’t dredged it up in so long that it felt particularly fresh. ‘When I woke up in hospital and realised I hadn’t …’ He closed his eyes briefly, then shook his head. 

‘Sorry, I’m sorry,’ Jeremy whispered, squeezed his hand. ‘You don’t have to say anything else. I’m sorry.’

Jean found a smile somewhere within himself. Being so close to Jeremy meant it was surprisingly easy. ‘It’s ok,’ he said. ‘This is sharing. It’s what people like us do, right?’

Jeremy definitely liked the sound of that. He smiled shakily at Jean. ‘Thank you,’ he said, with all the sincerity in the world. He squeezed Jean’s hand one more time before letting go. Jean felt the loss keenly.

It was a little harder to return to lighter topics after that. Jeremy was melancholic for a while, but found some of his earlier energy when he said, ‘You know, last year’s parents night didn’t go so well either. Definitely not as bad as tonight’s, but I was even more down about it then because - well, I really wanted to call Mom. She was the only one I wanted to talk to about it, and I missed her so bad.’ He glanced up and met Jean’s eyes. ‘I didn’t miss her like that tonight, though.’

Jean found he was holding his breath for absolutely no good reason. He exhaled as slowly as possible and then said, ‘That’s good.’ He eyed the level of the bottle, trying to gauge how much Jeremy had drank so far. It was nearly 4am. Jean was thinking about slyly putting the bottle away in the hopes that he’d still be conscious by morning. 

Jeremy, however, looked a little exasperated. ‘Yeah, it’s _good_ ,’ he agreed. ‘It’s really good. It means, like, you’re my closest friend, you know? Just all of a sudden, you are. Like, you’re the person I wanted to talk to after I’d had the worst day ever. I have plenty of friends, you know. You haven’t met them but I swear I have.’

‘Alright,’ agreed Jean, amused. ‘I believe you.’

This response clearly wasn’t the one Jeremy was looking for, however. He actually looked a little frustrated; he even ran a hand through his hair.

‘Jean,’ he said, at last. ‘I’m gonna be honest. Can I be honest? Ok. I …’ He trailed off as he stared into Jean’s eyes. Jean stared right back, waiting. 

‘I can’t think when you look at me like that,’ Jeremy whispered. 

A startling heat flashed over Jean’s skin, almost making him jump. He twitched a little and broke the spell. Jeremy looked away. His cheeks were already flushed from the alcohol, so Jean couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed or not.

‘I just think,’ he went on. ‘Like, please tell me to stop if you’re not - I mean, if this isn’t for you. Sometimes I think you’re into it but then I’m sending out all these signals and you’re just, like, not getting them? Or maybe you’re saying no? And I don’t want to be that guy who can’t take no for an answer, so if you’re saying no can you please tell me?’ He looked at Jean rather desperately, who’d gotten lost somewhere in that speech from watching Jeremy touch his neck, his hair, and his thigh in his distraction. 

‘What?’ Jean asked, helplessly.

Jeremy, to Jean’s alarm, stood up. ‘I mean, do you want me to come out and say it?’ he asked in frustration. ‘We’re - we’re such good friends, I love that we’re friends, I love texting you and I wish we could hang out more. But I don’t want to seem pushy? I just can’t figure you out. I mean, I know I’m not the - I’m not the sexiest guy,’ he said, slightly embarrassed, pacing awkwardly around the room. ‘Not what you’re used to seeing around here, probably.’

Jean was outraged, and mostly at himself. Not the sexiest guy? Was Jean causing him to have these thoughts? 

He got up out of his chair, but Jeremy didn’t seem to notice. He was wringing his hands and keeping his eyes low and averted. 

‘I’m just not sure,’ he went on. ‘I’m never sure around you - I think I lose my head or something when I’m with you. Saying all this stuff I never talk about, and asking you all these things … And I’m sorry I made you talk about your past, I swear I wasn’t trying to pry. I just want to know you, and maybe try to figure you out a little, because I’m just not sure - ‘ 

Jean caught his arm and made him stop pacing. Jeremy fell still and stared at him, eyes wide. His ears were slowly turning pink.

Jean fixed him with a firm but gentle gaze. ‘I’m sure,’ he said, quietly. ‘It just … takes me a little while.’

Jeremy’s face softened, and his expression grew warm. For once, Jean thought they might be on the exact same page. With this in mind, h hesitantly reached up and touched Jeremy’s face with the back of one finger. Jeremy’s eyes flickered closed as Jean slowly stroked his cheek.

When Jeremy opened his eyes again, it was with difficulty. Jean smiled at him.

‘I think you need to sit down,’ he said gently.

‘Sit with me,’ mumbled Jeremy, eyes fixed on Jean. 

So they sat on the couch, knees and hands touching, as Jeremy made a valiant effort to stay conscious. They mumbled quiet little things to each other; nothing important or earth-shattering, just little bits and pieces that would make up a whole, eventually. Jeremy was so near sleep that when the fire bell went off he hardly stirred. 

‘Shit,’ Jean muttered. Then, aloud, he said, ‘You can stay here. Sleep it off. I’ll call you a cab when I get back.’

‘Take me home yourself,’ Jeremy whispered, with a sneaky little smile. Jean knew he’d do no such thing until Jeremy was stone cold sober, but he smiled back. ‘Sure,’ he said. ‘Now, here’s this blanket. How about you sleep.’

‘Ok, go save the world,’ Jeremy agreed, snuggling down on the couch under the poorly made but admittedly very cosy woolly blanket that Allison had knitted him. ‘See you in the morning.’

He gave Jean a sleepy smile, and Jean couldn’t resist ducking in and kissing his cheek quickly.

When he got downstairs and heard the dispatch his heart sank. It wasn’t a fire, so he’d have to go out. The EMTs were already there, with more on the way, and were just requesting one engine. Jean and the others rushed out to the freeway, which was deserted at this hour of the morning except for the two cars who had happened upon each other in the dark, on an otherwise empty road, and couldn’t get out of each other’s way.

One car had flipped all the way over and didn’t require their assistance, as its single passenger was dead. It was the car further down that they had to get to. Jean hurried towards, towards the woman’s hoarse, erratic screams, more of horror than pain. His feet crunched on the broken glass of the windscreen as he and the others walked past the small body smeared across the tarmac, their eyes trained on the car and the people they could still help.

It was only after they’d cut the insensible man and the howling, broken woman from the car and handed them off to the EMTs that Jean saw the small orange backpack lying on the road, thrown from the car as the firefighters had swarmed the vehicle. 

The breeze was strong and cool and it blew down the freeway towards them, fanning the smell of blood and gasoline and making the bright blue ribbon tied around the straps of the backpack flutter, like a little wave. 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> issa update, dragged from my soul during this strange week

Jean didn’t get back to the station until after 7am. They had gone straight from the freeway to another crash just a few miles away involving an eighteen wheeler doing 100 on a steep incline and expecting to not fly into the air on the other side. By the time they were done mopping up that carnage they were all sweating and exhausted and more than ready to end the night. 

As Jean climbed the stairs to his office he wasn’t sure if he was hoping or dreading that Jeremy would still be there. When he pushed open the door and found the blanket neatly folded on an empty couch, and a folded note on his desk, he felt a crushing weight of relief so strong he had to sit on the arm of the couch and catch his breath. 

Jean could not have lied to Jeremy’s face. He couldn’t have looked him in the eye and not told him, and right now the only words Jean's brain was offering were words like _s_ _creaming_ and _destroyed_ and _mangled_. He couldn’t think of the crash, that ruined family, in any more palatable terms. Jean couldn’t do that to Jeremy.

The note on the desk read, in a shaky hand:

 

_Jean,_

_Your couch is lovely but has no lumbar support. I’m also programmed to wake up at 6:30 for school, so I’m gonna head home and sober up - yeah, I’m still drunk - and I’ll call you later. Or you can call me. Please call me._

_Thanks for the whiskey, and everything else._

_Jeremy x_

 

Jean read the note several times before tucking it into his pocket for future reading. 

Seth was already on site with the day shift, and although Jean wanted nothing more than to go home and shower for three hours until the smell of blood and smoke and screams was washed away, he could feel his energy failing. 

He sat down on the ground beside the couch and rested his head against the arm. Jeremy had slept here. If there had just been the one call, Jean would have come back and he would still have been here, and when he’d woken up Jean would have had to pretend that everything was fine.

Even with his hair still ruffling from the dodged bullet whizzing over his head, Jean wished he was here. Just so he could see his face and his smile and hear Jeremy say his name. God, he wanted to hear his voice. 

It was 7:30am. Jeremy was very likely asleep. But Jean didn’t know if he’d be taking any of his calls after this. His phone was in his hand before he could think twice about it.

It was about one ring away from voicemail when Jeremy answered. ‘Jean? You actually called.’

He sounded confused and then pleased. Jean closed his eyes and basked in it.

‘Yeah,’ he murmured. ‘Sorry if I woke you.’

‘Ah, I wasn’t really asleep,’ Jeremy said. Jean could hear rustling blankets and the little tinkle of a dog collar. ‘Are you ok?’

Jean couldn’t answer immediately, because his throat was closing up. He swallowed hard a few times before forcing out, ‘Yeah, I’m fine.’

Jeremy paused. ‘You sure? You sound a little off.’

It was on the tip of his tongue. He couldn’t help it. Jean opened his mouth, took a breath.

‘This isn’t about - what happened earlier, is it?’ Jeremy sounded tentative, nervous.

Jean exhaled in a rush. ‘No,’ he said. ‘No, it’s not. I just … wanted to hear your voice.’

Jeremy made a pleased, fond little sound. ‘It’s always nice to hear your voice, too,’ he said. He sounded a little like he was falling back to sleep. ‘You’re probably gonna go home and sleep now, huh? When are you working again?’

‘Tonight.’ Jean said. ‘At 7.’ He pretended like this would matter, like Jeremy would be in any shape to make plans around this. Would Jeremy hate him for this deception later? It was too late to find out. Jeremy sighed sleepily in his ear.

‘Maybe we can have lunch,’ he said. ‘Or brunch. Or just coffee.’

‘Yeah,’ Jean said, hating himself. ‘I’d love to.’

He wanted to say something stronger, but it would be a waste.

‘Bye,’ he added, after a pause. 

He wondered if Jeremy had fallen asleep. All he got in response was a little murmur and then a quiet, ‘Bye, Jean.’

Jean ended the call and sat on the floor of his office for a little while longer, until Alvarez came and found him and got him out to his car.

 

*

 

There was only so long that Jean could stay awake for after a night like that. He stood in the shower until his fingertips started to prune, his body scrubbed as clean as he could get it. He climbed into bed, Grishkin graciously making room for him on the pillow, and struggled to turn off his brain. His body was exhausted, but his mind was alert for the sound of his phone - a text or call, Jeremy needing him. When he did manage to sleep it was fitful; he kept jerking awake what felt like every five minutes to check his messages. 

He bolted awake at around 1pm, not nearly rested enough but unable to lie there doing nothing any longer. He went for a jog to clear his head, then came back and made something to eat. Night shifts were so confusing for his body, but Jean knew he handled them better than most.

It was almost time to leave for work again and Jean still hadn’t heard from Jeremy. He was starting to get really anxious. It eventually occurred to him to call Renée to see how she was doing.

‘Jean.’ Renée sounded like she’d run for the phone.

‘Hi,’ he said, staring at Grishkin who was starting to make biscuits on his work sweater. ‘How are things?’

Renée paused. ‘Oh, you were there,’ she said softly, after a moment.

‘Yes,’ said Jean.

They were silent on the phone for a few moments. 

‘The student’s name was Dean Kennedy,’ Renée said, finally. ‘His parents survived, but his father is in a coma, I believe. His mother …’

‘Yeah, I saw,’ Jean said, swallowing. 

Renée didn’t answer, but her breath shook. Most of the woman's legs were still in her car. 

‘I don’t know when the funeral will be,’ Renée added. ‘I’ve been speaking to his aunt … she said she’d send me the details, so I can organise a tribute from the school.’

He let her talk about her ideas for this because it made her feel better.

‘How are you doing?’ she asked, after Jean had been quiet for a while. 

Jean considered that question. ‘I was … with Jeremy,’ he said. ‘Last night. At the station.’

Renée paused. ‘So … did he hear it from you?’

Jean closed his eyes briefly. ‘No,’ he said. ‘I - couldn’t. He was gone when I got back. I called him but …’ He broke off. ‘The kid flew through the windscreen like a missile. He wasn’t wearing a seatbelt. We found him halfway down the road.’

The words fell out of his mouth, brutal and hard. They’d been sitting cold in the pit of his stomach since last night. 

‘It wasn’t my place to tell him,’ Jean said bitterly. ‘And I couldn’t have done it any other way than that.’

Renée was silent. Jean wondered if she was crying. But when she spoke again, she sounded composed.

‘I understand,’ she said. ‘But don’t let this come between you, Jean. Don’t use this as an excuse to withdraw.’

Even though Jean now considered himself too far gone on Jeremy to retreat now, Renée was still within her rights to advise that. 

After they hung up, Jean stared at his phone in his hand for a few minutes. Jean had never been in a relationship before. He didn’t know the rules. But he had called Renée because he’d thought she might be sad and want to talk. Would a call from Jean make Jeremy feel better? Jean tried to reverse their positions, and decided if he was sad then he’d definitely want Jeremy to call him. 

This was a lot of very basic relationship math and Jean was feeling a bit like a Kindergartener himself trying to connect the dots, so he gave up thinking and called Jeremy instead.

He picked up almost immediately, but didn’t say anything. 

‘Hi,’ said Jean, feeling immediately like this was a bad idea and he had nothing to say that would make a difference.

‘Hey,’ Jeremy said. His voice was very small and a little hoarse. He sounded utterly worn out; Jean’s heart twisted in his chest in response.

Jean bit his lip. ‘How are you?’

‘I’m …’ Jeremy paused. Then he inhaled. ‘Oh god, you were there. Were you there, did you - ?’

‘Yeah,’ Jean said, cutting him off quickly. ‘I’m sorry, Jeremy. There was nothing we could …’

Jeremy’s breathing was rough, like he was fighting back tears. Jean shut up and just stayed on the line. 

‘Yeah I, um, I’m alright,’ Jeremy said eventually, sniffing hard. ‘I’m meeting Renée at the school tomorrow to, uh, organise something for the funeral, from the kids. Like a collage or some drawings or something.’

‘That sounds nice,’ Jean said gently. ‘I’m sure you’ll come up with something perfect.’

‘Jean.’ Jeremy’s voice was hollow. ‘Can I … Are you busy? Can I see you?’

Jean opened his mouth to say yes and felt his heart sink to his shoes.

‘I - fuck, I have to work,’ he said, regretfully. ‘I’m sorry.’

Jeremy sniffed again but said, ’No, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it. Just, like, send me a text or something, if you get a second.’

‘I will,’ Jean said mournfully, now determined to text him every minute he could. ‘You shouldn’t be alone, though. Can you call one of your friends or something, get them to come over?’ When Jeremy didn’t immediately respond, he added, ‘I don’t want you to be lonely.’

Jeremy sounded a little amused when he replied. ‘Uh, no. Maybe I’ll call someone, but I think I’ll be fine. Um, are you busy tomorrow?’

‘Free all day,’ Jean said, gratefully. 

‘Ok,’ said Jeremy, quietly. ‘I guess I’ll talk to you then.’

‘I’ll call you from work,’ Jean said. ‘If you want.’

Jeremy’s little sigh sounded relieved to Jean’s ears. Maybe it was just wishful thinking.

‘That’d be good,’ he said. ‘Alright. Have a nice day. Or night, I guess.’

Hanging up felt like he’d never get to talk to Jeremy again. Jean floored it on the way to work just so he could officially clock in and call him back. As he drove, he thought about how much he really should be with him in person. Someone he cared very much about was grieving - shouldn’t that allow some form of compassionate leave for Jean? It would be a bit much to ask for a shift off at the last minute, especially since he was only just back to work in the first place. Maybe he could claim that he wasn’t as recovered as he thought? The guilt would eat him alive. 

But the thought had dug deep into his mind and now he couldn’t shake it. When he arrived, he went straight to Seth's office. Luckily, he was still there.

It was only because Jean literally never asked for favours or needed cover, and because he made really good whiskey brownies, that Seth agreed to stay for a while. ‘A whole tray, Moreau,’ he said seriously, not looking as annoyed as he was pretending to be. ’None of this share with the crew bullshit. And you’ll be back by midnight?’

‘Midnight,’ Jean agreed. ‘Thanks.’ He didn’t waste any more time. 

Once he was in the car, he called Jeremy again.

‘Are you still at home?’ he asked, a little out of breath. He’d run the whole way to the car.

‘Yes.’ 

‘I have until midnight.’

Jeremy’s breath hitched. ‘Can you come over? Actually no - Can we go for a drive?’

‘I’ll be there in ten minutes,’ promised Jean.

Jeremy was waiting for him outside his building when he pulled up. He was wearing a soft red sweater and looked very young. Jean’s arms ached for him.

He got out of the car with it still running, not entirely sure what he was doing. Jeremy met him halfway. 

Jean’s arms went around his body and pulled him in. He moved one hand to the back of Jeremy’s neck as his breath hitched against Jean’s shoulder, body trembling. Jean couldn’t see his face because his forehead was pressed to Jean’s shoulder. It was almost like Jeremy was trying to physically push him away, if it weren’t for how his hands were clutching the back of Jean’s sweater. 

‘Thank you for coming,’ Jeremy said, voice low. To Jean’s surprise, he didn’t sound like he was crying. 

Jean turned his head slightly and found his nose full of Jeremy’s soft hair. It smelled like coconut, and he couldn’t help but inhale a little. He just gave a little murmur of acknowledgment in response; he should have come straight here and called Seth on the way, irresponsible or not.

‘Where do you want to go?’ Jean asked quietly, lips grazing the top of Jeremy’s ear. 

Jeremy drew back and looked up at him. His eyes were red and his expression was so sad that it hurt Jean’s heart. 

‘Anywhere at all,’ he said. ‘Just … not here.’

So they got in the car and Jean took the road to the beach. He avoided all the freeways and took the scenic route, and Jeremy didn’t say one word the whole way. He was curled up on his seat, his body turned towards Jean, though his gaze was distant, drifting past Jean’s shoulder. The sky darkened as they neared the coast, and Jean began to wonder if Jeremy would say anything at all.

It would be ok, he thought, if he didn’t. He’d be fine with that. If Jeremy just needed him to be here, silent, then he’d do that and be happy for the chance.

The evening was pleasantly warm, and there were still people out walking their dogs on the beach and along the promenade. Jean had the windows cracked a bit to let in some air, and their distant voices somehow made the silence between them less heavy.

Jean sat there for a little while, staring out at the water. He allowed his thoughts to drift while Jeremy tried to gather his own. Finally, Jeremy spoke. 

‘Can I ask you something?’ 

His voice was very quiet. Jean didn’t look at him, in case he was embarrassed. ‘Of course.’

Jeremy took a breath, then said, ‘When your parents died, what did you want to hear?’

Jean was a bit taken aback by this, and had to think about it. ‘I don’t think my answer is very helpful,’ he said, slowly. ‘I spent a long time thinking I’d let them die, and felt terrible for how little I cared about that. But I guess … there was a moment where I was suddenly alone, and didn’t have anyone to tell me what to do, and I wanted them.’ Jean paused, then shrugged. ‘I guess I wanted to hear the same as any kid would. Probably what you thought when your parents died.’ He looked at Jeremy, and found him staring right back. ‘I wanted someone to tell me that they weren’t really dead.’

Jeremy’s eyes widened a little as he processed this. 

‘But I can’t tell them that,’ he whispered. 

Jean was almost disturbed by how vulnerable Jeremy sounded. It was throwing his whole world out of whack, and kicking his protective streak into overdrive.

‘You just have to be there for them,’ Jean said. 

It wasn’t the most helpful advice. Jeremy was too polite to scoff at him, but he did turn his head away and close his eyes.

‘I feel useless,’ he muttered. ‘Like nothing I can possibly say will make a difference to them. And it’s not just with this, either.’ He rain a hand through his hair, and stared out the window. ‘I only get them for a few hours a day. How am I supposed to make a difference in their lives when they go home to negligent parents or bullying siblings or an empty refrigerator? Like, what can I be for them that will actually make their lives any better?’

Jean thought about that. He’d been wondering something similar - what could he say to Jeremy that would possibly make him feel any better, when he had no experience of taking care of anyone, ever. Then something occurred to him.

‘Jeremy,’ he began, slowly. ‘School, for me, was suffering. My foster brother was torturing Kevin and I, and our foster parents practically egged him on. They threatened to throw us out on the street if we didn’t behave and be good to their son. At home, they worked us like dogs; they wanted us to work in their family business. To this day, I still don’t know what it was, but it was certainly something less than legitimate. They wanted two big strong, obedient boys who would do the work and ask no questions. Kevin was well on his way to becoming that, because he was still dreaming of graduating high school and running away. I knew that they’d never let us go.’

He sighed quietly, wondering where to go from there.

‘I went to school every day covered in cuts and bruises. A trip to a different emergency room or free clinic every few weeks. I was terrified - and I mean _terrified -_ that anyone would find out. I wore long sleeves in gym, I showered last, I never went to the beach during the day. It was my greatest fear.’

Jean fiddled with the end of his phone charger, twirling it around in his fingers to give himself something to focus on while he got all this out.

‘But … I used to fantasise about passing a teacher a note, or letting the gym teacher see the bruises. Sometimes I would stand outside the showers before the last boy had left, daring myself to go in before he was done. Hoping that he might see, and do something. Every time there was a on our front door at night I imagined that it was a teacher, or a police officer, come to take me and Kevin away, because they knew everything that had been going on and now it was finally going to be ok.’

It hurt Jean to admit this, how lonely and desperate he’d been. And he’d been so afraid for Kevin, too, who’d gone very quiet, rarely raising his head. Jean couldn’t protect him, even though it was always Kevin insisting he was the one meant to be protecting Jean. 

‘But no one ever noticed,’ he said, voice slipping lower as he tried to keep it emotionless. ‘No one asked, or told a teacher. Even - even once when my eye was black and swollen, the teacher just joked that I must have lost a fight with a door. I laughed too, because that was the story. No one ever asked.

‘Renée was our escape plan, but Kevin and I fought like cats constantly. He was so set on getting out, but I just couldn’t see a way. I couldn’t do any of my schoolwork, but Kevin was racing through his. I think he used to do some of my assignments while I was asleep. He was a year ahead of me … and then he graduated, and he left. He came to me one night and asked me to distract them, so I did. And he left.’ Jean closed his eyes as the memory of that realisation battered him. 

‘I’ve had a lot of bad moments,’ he said. ‘That one was the worst. Renée and Kevin were both gone. Renée called me every day, promised to help me leave as soon as I turned 18. They’d set the cops on us if I left before that. 

‘I couldn’t do it. When they found out I’d been the distraction, they … I ran off for three days and slept under the freeway, and when I came back they locked me in the bedroom. That’s when I … I smashed a picture frame and used the broken glass.’

There was a heavy, awful silence. Jean tried not to hate himself for his illustrative point turning into a pity party. He tried to lighten the mood with a little laugh.

‘Of course, when I got out the hospital, Riko still beat me so hard he almost put me back in there.' This wasn’t funny at all, so Jean skipped to the end. ‘Anyway, Renée saved me, as usual. Between leaving us and coming home again she’d met Allison who has never, for the record, been any less terrifying than she is now. They dragged me kicking and screaming out of the house, and we only got away with it because Allison’s rich mother was standing on the lawn with her cell in one hand and a Glock 26 in the other.’ 

He ran a hand over his face, abruptly very tired. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll get to the point now.’

Jeremy whispered his name, but Jean didn’t look at him.

‘I’ve never told anyone that before,’ he said. ‘I’ve never told anyone half the stuff I’ve told you. You make me feel like I can tell you something, and you’ll mind it for me. You’ll keep my secrets. That’s how I feel. That’s your gift, Jeremy. Kids know it too. All they want is someone to listen to them, and pay attention to them. To notice when they’re sick or tired or scared to go home. You’re the person that I never had, and cried myself to sleep at night from wishing that I did.’

His voice finally ran out. He felt drained, but somehow oddly relieved. He’d never said all of that out loud before - he rarely let his brain remember the events as a cohesive thought. But the act of releasing this secret to Jeremy was oddly cathartic. 

But it wasn’t about him. He finally looked at Jeremy, hoping he’d said the right thing. 

Jeremy was staring at him, eyes wide and cheeks flushed. Jean didn’t know what to make of his expression, but after a minute of this silence he had to look away. 

The quiet stretched out a little bit more, and then Jeremy unbuckled his seatbelt and got out of the car. 

Jean closed his eyes, feeling the situation come crashing down silently around him. 

A little knock on his window interrupted his disastrous thoughts. Jean blinked at Jeremy through the glass.

‘Will you come for a walk with me?’ Jeremy asked, beckoning. 

Jean got slowly out of the car. Jeremy offered him his hand, and Jean took it.

They walked a little way along the beach not saying much at all. Jeremy pointed out a nice shell to Jean, and Jean went back and got it and cleaned the sand off it so Jeremy could have it. 

‘What will they say at the station when you’ve got sand all over your boots and sweater?’ Jeremy asked, with a hint of his usual humour. ‘Most personal emergencies don’t happen at the beach.’

Jean shrugged. ‘They won’t say anything because they’ll all be asleep. And Seth’s getting whiskey brownies, so he probably wouldn’t care if I came back covered in blood.’

They walked for another few minutes, Jeremy holding the shell in his other hand. At some point they made the decision to turn back towards the car, and they kicked back over their footprints.

‘What you told me in the car,’ Jeremy said abruptly. ‘I didn’t have any right to that. I hope you didn’t feel like you had to tell me.’

Jean squeezed his hand. ‘I wanted to tell you,’ he reminded him. ‘That was the whole point.’

Jeremy squeezed his hand back, but didn’t comment on that. ‘I still don’t know how I’m going to talk to them,’ he sighed. ‘But what you said … I appreciate that. Really, I do. It was good advice. And that’s a lot of faith you have in me, so I’m going to try to be equal to it.’

It was a brave little speech, and Jeremy looked at him a little hopefully after it. Jean decided he’d said enough about himself, so he just nodded and smiled. 

They walked the full length of the beach and half way back again to the car. It was almost 11, and Jean had to think about getting back to work. Jeremy was showing signs of wilting.

‘You need to sleep,’ Jean said, leading him back to the car.

Jeremy nodded tiredly. He let Jean open his door for him, and drowsed the whole way back into the city. When they pulled up outside his apartment it was dangerously close to midnight, but Jean didn’t wake him. Instead he just stared at him for a few minutes, taking comfort in his breathing and the way his hand curled slightly in his lap. Little Jeremy things, familiar to him now. 

He eventually reached over and stroked Jeremy’s cheek softly. Jeremy’s eyes fluttered open.

‘Oh,’ he mumbled. ‘Sorry.’

‘It’s ok,’ Jean said softly. ‘I’d let you sleep here all night, but I think your bed is comfier’

Jeremy made a little noise of agreement. ‘It is, but you shouldn’t take my word for it.’

Jean’s brain stumbled over that a little. Jeremy just quirked an eyebrow at him and made to get out of the car.

‘Wait, what?’ Jean asked desperately after him.

Jeremy just smiled at him. It was still a little sad and tired, but the warmth in those brown eyes was real.

‘What you said tonight meant a lot to me,’ he said. He was standing on the pavement, one hand on the door. ‘If I wasn’t fucked up right now I’d invite you in.’

‘I have to work.’

Jeremy shrugged. ‘I’d still ask,’ he said. ‘Maybe you’d even say yes.’

It was surely weird to feel so in love with someone when they’re grieving. Grief makes a person different, Jean always thought. He’d been on the peripheral of a lot of it; people pushed each other in the face of their own misery. Jean searched his heart and soul for something that would tell him that this feeling wasn’t real, that it was just temporary or a response to finally having someone to talk to who hadn’t seen the darkest parts of his life. But everywhere he looked he only found images of brown eyes and smiles and a voice telling him that he was worth it. 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we are almost there, good folks. chapter 10 will likely be more of an epilogue just FYI but chapter 9 will be juicy <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LADS. We here. And this chapter only ends because I was losing the run of myself and need to be composed for chapter 10 ( the ~feelings). Which as I mentioned earlier will NOT be an epilogue lol gotcha.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy!

Jeremy ended up being very busy for the next two days, mainly with funeral preparations. Jean was then working a full week of night shifts to cover for some of Seth’s annual leave, so by the time he and Jeremy could figure out how to see each other they’d left November behind. The question of Thanksgiving had been awkward in Jean’s mind, but Jeremy had been involved in a big friend thing and Jean had to work it anyway, so it turned out to be a non issue. Jean kind of hoped that next year he’d be the one booking the date off because he had someone he’d like to spend it with. 

Jeremy had been very upset after the funeral. He had cried quietly down the phone to him from the backyard of the deceased boy’s family home, and Jean, stuck at work as usual, could only listen to him. Telling Jeremy how he felt wouldn’t have been appropriate, but he was starting to think that he should say it soon so that he wouldn’t be tongue tied in these kind of situations. At least it might make Jeremy feel better, knowing that Jean was absolutely head over heels for him. 

This in itself was an odd sensation to get used to. He felt like he was carrying around a warm, soft globe inside his chest, one that expanded out to fill him down to his fingertips whenever he thought about Jeremy. It was like he had the sun inside him, and it was lighting him up from the inside. He was smiling more - the whole station had commented on it.

Kevin and Thea invited him over for Sunday lunch, and after ten minutes Kevin said abruptly, ‘Did you win the fucking lottery?’

Jean didn't understand, but Thea patted his cheek and said, ‘Love looks good on you.’

Jean couldn’t tell Thea to shut up so he settled instead for glaring at Kevin. 

‘Who?’ demanded Kevin. ‘Jeremy?’

‘Yes,’ Jean muttered. ‘I mean, don’t go telling anyone. I haven’t told him. It’s not a thing.’

‘Not a thing _yet_ ,’ challenged Kevin. ‘Come on, are you locking that down or what?’

Jean flushed. ‘Why are you so _invested?_ ’ he demanded. ‘It’s my relationship.’

He almost flushed. _Relationship_. He had an absurd moment of feeling all grown up. 

Kevin folded his arms and looked away, scowling. This is how their arguments usually ended - stony silences and no territory ceded or won, but no hard feelings either. This time, however, Thea intervened.

‘He wants you to be _settled,’_ Thea said. She looked up from where she was cutting thick soda bread and gave him a smile as rare as one of Kevin’s. ‘He worries about you, Jean.’

Jean glanced at Kevin. ‘Still with that old guilt, huh?’ he asked, softening. Kevin only shrugged irritably and wouldn’t meet his eyes. Jean ignored what any cat owner would recognise as “stay away” signs, and instead sidled up to Jean and put his chin on his head. Kevin used to hate that; Jean had been taller than him at every stage of life. He was 6”2 to Kevin’s 6 even, and couldn’t quite manage the same trick now, but Kevin was conveniently sitting on a low stool at their kitchen island. 

Kevin sighed, but allowed it. ‘Your chin is so bony,’ he complained. 

‘Your head is like a rock.’

‘Go away then.’

‘No.’

They fell to silence for a few moments, and then Jean said, ‘I didn’t blame you then, and I don’t blame you now.’

Jean knew that Kevin’s thoughts were right at the same moment his were, only with a different perspective. Kevin had found Jean, broken and bloody on the kitchen floor, the cuts on his wrists still wrapped in bandages. He’d come back for a reason he'd never divulged, but Jean assumed was born out of guilt. Kevin was brave, and braver still now as an adult, but getting out of that house had been as pure an act of desperation and self-preservation as Jean’s attempted suicide had been. 

Kevin had lost it. The sight of Jean looking half dead scared him so bad he’d had a panic attack right there on the floor beside him. His first and, to Jean’s knowledge, his only. He could still see Kevin’s face between his own bloody eyelashes. 

Luckily Renée and Allison had followed him all the way down from LA, commandeering Allison’s mother’s car with Allison’s mother still in it. Kevin disappeared from Jean’s memory at that point, because Riko and his parents had come home. He didn’t for one second blame Kevin for leaving then, and he didn’t blame him for leaving as soon he’d turned 18.

At the time, though, Jean had never felt more abandoned. 

He knew Kevin thought that’s why he’d tried to kill himself. Truthfully, Jean thought he probably would have done it anyway. 

‘I love you,’ he reminded Kevin quietly. 

After a moment, Kevin replied, ‘I love you too. Now get off me. I could have you arrested.’

Thea grilled Jean over lunch about Jeremy. This was very un-Thea-like behaviour, so Jean suspected it was on Kevin’s behalf, as Kevin was still too embarrassed to say much about it. Jeremy dutifully relayed their encounters to date, and when pushed admitted that _yes_ he did like him very much and _yes_ he was going to ask him out properly. At some point.

‘Ask him to your Christmas party,’ Kevin suggested, speaking up for the first time during the meal and then promptly shutting up when they both looked at him.

Thea grinned at Jean. ‘That’s how he got me,’ she told him. Kevin blushed furiously.

‘Maybe,’ Jean allowed. 

Christmas parties at the station weren’t usually very fun. Half of them had to be in uniform and ready to go at any time, like normal, and the rest were on call in case someone forgot themselves and went in on the eggnog. It was slated for December 12th, which was pretty early but it was impossible to get them all in the same place any closer to Christmas. They had a lot of volunteer and trainee firefighters who picked up the slack around the holidays. Jean had done his own stint working doubles on Christmas, so he felt he was owed the time off now. 

Still, it was an idea. Almost everyone had RSVP’d with a plus one by now - his inbox was cluttered with them all - and Jean thought it might be nice to surprise them all by actually inviting a date. And Jeremy would surely make it fun and interesting, like he did everything else. He could meet Alvarez and Laila, who would surely love him. Maybe they could hang out at some point in the future. That was what couple’s did. Kevin and Thea did stuff like that with Renée and Allison sometimes, Jean knew. Even if they did all fight a lot. 

The more he thought about it, the more Jean was seriously warming to the idea of a relationship. This was definitely making him more nervous about Jeremy calling the whole thing off at the last minute, though - it wouldn’t be the first time Jean had completely misread a situation.

Part of Jean just wanted to turn up at Jeremy’s apartment unannounced and tell him straight out. It was what he would have done if this was a movie. He’d seen it before, and it always went well. But a direct approach like that was so fundamentally not in his nature that he spent half an hour one night tying himself up in knots trying to decide if he should do it or not that eventually he had to go do a whole series of push ups just to burn off all the nervous energy.

So, maybe a direct approach wouldn’t be the most conducive to getting this whole thing started. But he’d figure it out.

In the meantime, he’d ask Jeremy to the party. He spent one particularly dull evening at work composing exactly the right text, although he kept having to stop and copy it so he could reply to Jeremy, who was giving him a lively and amusing report of his friend’s basketball game.

 

_I still can’t believe I’m the only one who showed up. I have to cheer as loud as five friends to make up for it. People are starting to stare at me._

 

**Jealous that they don’t have a friend as good as you.**

 

_Yeah that’s definitely it. Oh no, Connor fell down :(_

 

**Is he bleeding again?**

 

_Not this time. This is getting ugly. The other team’s supporters keep laughing._

 

Jean let him go on like this until the game was over because it was incredibly endearing, and he loved that Jean was now the person Jeremy talked to about stuff like this. He was _something_ to Jeremy. He had a definite claim, and now was the time to use it. 

 

**We’re having our Christmas party next Friday. I’ll probably be on call. But do you wanna come for like a little while or something? There’s free eggnog and probably cake.**

 

_I’m gonna need confirmation on the cake first, Jean._

 

**Definitely cake. And whiskey brownies.**

 

_SOLD. What time?_

 

Jean eagerly relayed the details. 

 

_Can’t wait. School Christmas parties aren’t great. The teachers just get drunk and bitch about their students._

 

**I can’t say that there won’t be drunk firefighters bitching about people lighting candles near curtains.**

 

_It’s fine I can just brag about how I unplug all my devices at night and never leave the dryer on while I’m out. Firefighters love that shit right?_

 

**_Gets a lot of guys going, yeah_.**

 

_And are you one of those guys?_

 

Jean had to bite his knuckle.

 

**Your attention to fire safety is admirable but I can think of a few other things about you that I like even more**

 

If Jean hadn’t been at work he’d be leaping out the window into traffic, but he still had his responsibilities. 

 

_I’ll need a detailed list on my desk by Monday._

 

**Research is ongoing.**

 

_A summary? Table of contents??_

 

**Might tell you at the party. Do you want a private tour?**

 

_Gotta admit I did go for a snoop while I was there before. Saw a lot of things I probably shouldn’t have. Don’t tell anyone. Especially not the cute guy in charge. Kinda have a bit of a crush on him._

 

Jean now understood why there were rules in some workplaces about texting on the job. Jeremy had to stop texting so he could drive his friend to the emergency room, and Jean still didn’t get a single thing done for the next three hours. 

 

*

 

In the week leading up to the party, Jean had a brainwave that resulted in him working harder at social interaction than he ever had in his life. It involved many phone calls and some actual visits to two other stations, and he got roped into making six batches of whiskey brownies - word had gotten out - but on the afternoon of the party he got to assemble the firefighters of Fire Station 29 to update them on the situation.

‘So,’ he said, once they were all crammed into the briefing room. ’Tonight, stations 28 and 30 will have an extra third of their staff on duty. This means that everyone currently on shift tonight has been downgraded to on call, and anyone on call is now officially off duty.’ He paused and stared into the silence. ‘Pending a grade three emergency or higher,’ he added. ‘If there’s a wildfire or an earthquake, you’re shit out of luck.’

The end of his sentence was lost to much cheering and applause. People were slapping his back and shaking his hand, and Jean realised he’d kind of forgotten that this would be good news to them too.

Regardless of whether or not he’d arranged this for the station and not for purely selfish reasons, Jean was something of a hero for the rest of the day. He’d come in to help them get set up in the afternoon even though his shift didn’t start until later, because he was too excited to hang around at home. The day crew were out on a call to an apartment fire so Jean was left to flit around the few who’d stayed behind and tried to pin tinsel to the doors. The real job was trying to decorate and still adhere to the fire safety code. The artificial Christmas tree had been shunted around several times, with last years position having been taken by a water cooler. There were several ongoing debates for the new location. 

‘Just put in on the table!’ Jean said finally, in exasperation. ‘That’s not a fire hazard.’

‘Will it fit?’ Tori asked dubiously. 

‘It’s three feet tall,’ Jean pointed out. ‘We can put cups and things underneath it, like presents.’

To Jean’s surprise, this was well received. He hoisted the tree up on to the table, and Tori, who had a decorative flare, put on a pair of antlers and started arranging the drinks and snacks around the tree. Jean helped by stringing the lights and taping down the wire to the floor so no one would trip on it. Someone put a little pair of antlers on his head when he wasn’t paying attention.

By the time everything was ready, and the lucky off duty crew were arriving all dressed up with their plus ones, Jean could really have gone for a glass of something strong.

He was surprised to see Alissa, one of the off duty staff managers, arriving in her uniform. She’d jazzed it up with a red Santa had and glitter on her cheeks, but there was no doubt that she was dressed for work.

‘So I hear you did some work to give half the station the night off,’ she said, sidling up to Jean.

Jean, who had just noticed his antler ears, said, 'Should have thought of it years ago,’ he said. ‘We’ll do the same for them next week.’ He paused. ‘Don’t tell anyone that yet,’ he warned her. ‘The whiskey will bankrupt me.’

Alissa grinned. ‘Well, we wanted to thank you anyway,’ she said. ‘That’s why I’m here in uniform and not a dress. You’ve got the night off, Jean.’

The realisation that he was now free to drink hit him first; the second implication followed only when he saw Jeremy arriving in full conversation with Laila and Alvarez, who had somehow gotten around Jean’s rules and wrangled themselves the same shift off. They were both dressed in glitzy Christmas outfits and had Jeremy between them, both looking about as charmed as anyone would in that situation. Jean immediately stopped to stare; the sight of Jeremy walking in between his friends, like he already knew them, further cemented the idea that this was real and happening. Jeremy looked gorgeous in a fitted navy check shirt that showed off his slim waist. There was also a mint green bow tie. Jean’s heart was beating so fast. 

The three were clustered in the doorway as the women took off their coats. Jeremy was glancing around as he spoke; he caught sight of Jean and paused, his lips curving up into a smile he was trying and failing to suppress.

Jean tried to mingle a little and not go straight to Jeremy, who was still in full flow with Jean’s two meddlesome protégées. Most of those still on call and in their uniforms couldn’t seem to figure out how to unwind in the work environment, so those off duty were doing it for them. Someone had put on Christmas music and was organising cups of eggnog, and someone else was breaking out the champagne. They weren’t technically allowed serve alcohol to people, and they were only supposed to consume food and drink in the break room, but Bob Taheny and the other management types who made three times what Jean did were all at a steakhouse in the city, so Jean and Alissa felt fairly comfortably popping some corks in the training room and allowing everyone to let their hair down a little. 

There was only so long that Jean could pretend to be interested in his colleagues for. Normally he escaped these parties for his office as soon as he politely could, but this time there seemed to be far more bodies in the room. It looked like everyone had brought a plus one, probably the result of Jean giving half the crew the night off. The festive spirit was thick in the air, and Jean found himself drawn to Jeremy, heedless of whoever he was talking to. 

The little group of guests parted for him, instant smiles in his direction. Jean privately hoped that they’d been talking him up, loudly and within Jeremy’s earshot.

Jeremy had the warmest smile of all, and it was just for Jean.

Laila and Alvarez had plenty of comments and remarks, but a moment passed between him and Jeremy that turned everything else into muted background noise. Jeremy turned those soft brown eyes on him, and Jean saw there a quiet determination that startled him even as it got his blood surging. He tried to meet it with a determination of his own and found it easy, incredibly easy. He even gave him a little smile, too. 

‘Hello,’ he said.

‘Hi,’ Jeremy replied, eyes sparkling. ‘Nice antlers.’

Jean had been about to rip them off but now he left them on.

He slotted himself into the conversation beside Jeremy and let it carry on over him. Matt and Dan were gravitating towards them too, and a few others. As they shuffled and readjusted, conversations passing back and forth, Jeremy moved a little closer to Jean, almost right up against him. Jean, with a flush of happiness, put his hand on the small of Jeremy’s back in response. A faint pink coloured Jeremy’s cheeks and he took a sip of eggnog to cover it up. Jean slowly moved his hand around to Jeremy’s waist, feeling even more confident now. A sort of impatience had begun building up in him; nice and all as it was to be included in the conversation, it wasn’t a patch on having Jeremy all to himself. He felt Jeremy shift a little bit closer to him, his body half in front of Jean’s. It was a possessive, intimate position, and Jean wished they were alone so that he could enjoy it better. He wanted to nuzzle Jeremy’s neck and breathe in the scent of his hair. He wanted to kiss him - god, how he wanted to kiss him. Jean almost shivered from wanting it. He’d only thought about it late at night, when he was alone in bed and he could lose hours to imagining it. It was the only thought that could deaden the visceral memory of breaking that girl’s fingers beneath his boot. It smothered everything else that tried to rise up at night and pull him under. He ached for it. 

The arrival of Katelyn caused a disruption in the group; Laila and Alvarez instantly called out to her, and everyone turned to look. Jean squeezed his hand on Jeremy’s hip gently and murmured in his ear, ‘So how about that tour?’

Making their way out of the main assembly of guests was no easy task. Jean gathered he was causing something of a commotion, since Jeremy’s hand had slipped into his the moment they’d left the group. People were looking, but Jean wasn’t giving them enough time to ask any questions. As Jeremy became momentarily distracted by someone he knew, Jean snatched up a bottle of the good champagne and replaced it with the antlers from his head.

While a lot of the station was open to their guests, Jean had locked a good many of the doors so no one went anywhere that might be problematic should the station be called to action. He wore the master access card on a lanyard around his neck, and was wondering where he might be able to sneak them off to. He had a bottle of champagne in one hand and Jeremy’s hand in the other, and he was feeling pretty damn excited about the evening so far.

But first thing was first. ‘So how are you?’ he asked gently, squeezing his hand a little. 

Jeremy nodded. ‘I’m alright,’ he said. ‘It’s still a little hard at school. I had to shuffle around the chairs, did I tell you that? I made it like a game … I got everyone to line up and we talked about birth months and star signs and gem stones. Everyone got a colour and a stone and a sign, and their new table groupings all have names.’

Jean smiled. ‘I bet they liked that.’

Jeremy nodded. ‘They did,’ he said. ‘It also helped that some of the boys had pink stones, and some of the girls had blue. There was some resistance, but we turned that into a lesson too. And we’re, uh … we’re gonna plant some flowers for Dean in the spring.’

Jean let go of his hand briefly to put it around Jeremy’s shoulders. That started to feel a little too brotherly and less romantic, so after the point had been made he took Jeremy’s hand back again. 

They popped the champagne cork on the little balcony. Jeremy caught the cork before it could fly off the edge, laughing as he did so. Jean licked a little champagne foam off his finger before realising he’d never thought to get glasses.

‘That’s ok,’ Jeremy said, taking the bottle from him. ‘Unless you mind sharing?’

With that, and a mischievous look in his eye, he raised the bottle to his mouth. Jean watched, transfixed, as Jeremy’s throat worked, the rim of the bottle resting on his pursed bottom lip. His eyes were hooded as he watched Jean right back.

Jeremy lowered the bottle with a little gasp. ‘Not bad,’ he said. There was a tiny bead of liquid still on his lip that Jean wanted to lick right off. ‘Here.’

He offered the bottle back to Jean, who had barely enough blood left in his arms to take it from him. The champagne probably tasted good, but Jean couldn’t really tell. 

‘So,’ Jeremy said, as Jean set the bottle aside on the low table where they kept the ashtray. ‘I was told you had a list that you wanted to share with me.’

He was looking up at Jean with a small smile, but his eyes were dark. An electric shock of desire curled sharply in Jean’s abdomen.

They leaned in to each other, their bodies each a flower and the sun. This time it was Jeremy’s arm that was slipping around Jean’s waist; he shuddered hard in response, and blushed when Jeremy noticed. 

‘Yeah, like I said,’ Jean said. ‘Research is ongoing.’

Jeremy made a little noise of interest. Their faces were very close together. Jean thought his heart would burst out of his chest in anticipation. ‘Well,’ murmured Jeremy. ‘Can you give me a little preview?’ 

He looked up at Jean seriously when Jean didn't respond. ‘Can’t blame a guy for asking,’ he said, somewhat uncertainly now.

Jean remained mute, trying to get it together. To his dismay, Jeremy didn't look encouraged. He gave a little nervous laugh and said, 'Come on, Jean. Half the time I hardly know if you’re interested or if you’re just - ’

Jean had never been very good at expressing his feelings aloud. Now that he loved Jeremy and understood that communication was important he was going to try to work on that. But at this particular moment in time there was no space for figuring out the right words to say and how to say them. Jean could only be brave, and try his best.

He reached out and took Jeremy’s face in his hands. Jeremy made a soft “oh” of surprise, lips parting perfectly, inviting Jean to kiss him. So he did.

A million things clicked together all at once. Jean’s heart surged forwards, yearning, as Jeremy’s lips pressed against his, kissing him back.

There was a long moment where the touch was endless, the kiss unbroken. Jean felt perfectly at peace. 

Then Jeremy’s breathing hitched. He pulled back for a second to drag in a gasp, and then both of his arms were around Jean’s waist, clutching at the material of his t-shirt as they had once before, only this time with vastly different purpose. They came together again, kissing hastily, urgently. They were a mess, missing each other’s lips and mouthing instead at teeth and tongue and stubbled cheek. Fire and passion burned through Jean’s limbs in a torrent; he felt like he couldn’t move fast enough, couldn’t get enough of him. His arms freed themselves to encircle Jeremy’s body, holding him tight against himself. Jeremy’s arms were tight, his body hard, and his lips soft. He was insistent and demanding and wholly, utterly beautiful in Jean’s arms. Their mouths came together again and again, exploring different angles and new shapes and sensations and kissing, kissing. They kissed until Jean had to stop and pull his mouth away just so he could catch his breath. 

Jeremy’s hands slid up Jean’s body until they came to rest on Jean’s shoulders. He bit his lip as his dark eyes gazed up at Jean’s. His lips were red and wet, marked by Jean’s. It was hard to figure out the lines between them. Jean wasn’t sure where they were or what they looked like. Maybe they’d all be gone by morning. 

They sank into each other. Time slipped away into nothingness; everything was lost to the feel of Jeremy’s lips, and his hands on Jean’s body. Jean couldn’t think or do anything other than respond, and yield to this sensation. Triumph bloomed like flowers in his heart.

Voices echoed out from the hallway. They were distant, but incoming. Despite the audible warning, Jean and Jeremy could only stand to separate so much, so when Alvarez stuck her head out on to the balcony she could saw them still wrapped up together, Jeremy’s head resting on Jean’s shoulder as he caught his breath. 

Jean only threw a sketchy gaze in her direction as her eyes widened. ‘Can I help you?’ he asked, still out of breath.

‘Um - I - ‘ She shook her head, started again. ‘I was just wondering if Texas was still out of commission?’

Texas was the engine that had suffered fire damage in a blaze two months prior. The budget hadn’t stretched to replacing the bodywork yet, so she was sitting in an empty bay by herself, all alone.

‘I’m not sure,’ Jean said, an idea blossoming in his head. ‘In fact, I was just about to go inspect that. Jeremy wants a tour.’ He picked up the bottle of champagne as he passed and handed it to her. 

‘Trade?’ he muttered, eyes wide. She nodded again, humour flashing in her eyes as she recovered herself. Laila was standing in the hall outside, looking decidedly rumpled. Jean realised he’d now entered a new level of intimacy with the two of them, one which he had not exactly intended to. They were technically his subordinates, after all. But maybe they’d do couple stuff with him and Jeremy now. 

‘Jeremy!’ Laila said, looking surprised.

‘Oh, hello again,’ Jeremy said, composed as usual. He was still flushed and a little wild-eyed, but he was clutching Jean’s hand and somehow managed to smile at Laila. ‘I guess we all had the same idea.’

Jean squeezed his hand. ‘Let’s go,’ he said quietly.

Laila looked away as Alvarez beckoned to her, and Jean used that to escape with Jeremy. 

The road to the Texas had many interruptions, including and especially spontaneous kissing. As Jean paused to open the door with his keycard, Jeremy decided to stretch up and kiss his neck, thus providing a very thorough distraction and ruining Jean’s efforts. Because of course he could only respond to this by tilting his head to give Jeremy better access. He closed his eyes and succumbed to the sensation of Jeremy’s mouth pressing hot and firm to his skin. Jean hadn’t been intimate in a very long time, but he was absolutely sure he’d never felt anything like this before.

Jeremy reached out and touched his chest, sliding his hand slowly down. He then grabbed the access card and pulled it out on its retractable leash so he could unlock the door.

‘Ready to show me around?’ Jeremy asked, with such a hint of promise in his voice. Jean finally remembered to open his eyes. 

The were in engine bay 4. The other three bays were fully occupied with engines and their firefighting equipment, and were definitely off limits tonight. Engine bay 4, however, just had one lonely engine inside. Jean locked the door behind them with another touch of the card, and then turned back to Jeremy, who was looking at Texas.

‘Why’s it all by itself?’ Jeremy asked, slipping his arm around Jean’s waist. Jean slung his arm around Jeremy’s shoulders in delighted response, definitely feeling romantic about it now.

‘Look there,’ Jean said, pointing as they approached. ‘It was parked too close to a fire. Climbed up the side and melted all the hose attachments. And we can’t change the tires without taking it apart.’ He pointed to where the metal had melted straight down and settled on the tyres themselves, half crushing them. The engine was propped up by a clamp to make it level.

‘Can we go inside?’ Jeremy asked, eyes bright with his usual interest and intelligence.

Jean turned his head slightly to nose at his hair. ‘That’s kind of the point,’ he reminded him. 

Jeremy looked up at him, then blushed and laughed a little. ‘Oh, yeah.’

They entered from the passenger side door. The seats in the front were just practical and functional, but Jean was more interested in the back. Once Jeremy had gotten his fill and asked what a dozen buttons did, Jean said nervously that the back was more spacious. 

Jeremy, in the driver’s seat, looked at him with that mischievous little grin. ‘You know, I think you’ve got plenty of room over there.'

He did, to be fair. The spaces around and in front of the seats were deliberately big, because they were usually in full gear and took up a lot more room. Jean was about to admit and explain this, but then Jeremy was climbing over the gear stick and into his lap. 

Jean’s world shrank to just the feel of him. His thighs were on either side of his legs, pressing in, and his hands were in Jean’s hair. Jean could only get his arms around Jeremy’s body and kiss him in return, so overwhelmed as he was by the situation. He’d never been this close to anyone before. Sex had nothing on this moment. 

The engine was silent, the sounds of the party long gone, except for their breathing, the shift of their hands and bodies against one another. The sound of their lips pressing together over and over, their questioning little murmurs and whispers as they discovered more of each other, the way this or that body part felt. Jean felt it would have been rude to go straight for Jeremy’s ass, but his hands were constantly drawn to it until he just gave up and went in. Jeremy’s mouth dropped open in a tiny moan as Jean squeezed experimentally, marking it as a good decision for all concerned. 

Jeremy was raking his fingers through Jean’s hair, but occasionally slipped one hand down to cup his face, holding them close together so he could kiss the life out of him. The insistence and Jeremy’s eager, demanding movements was so incredibly intoxicating for Jean, who had never experienced this kind of raw desire before, either towards himself or for somebody else. He’d never been wanted this _hard_ before. 

The weight of Jeremy’s body in his lap was delicious, but Jean found himself constantly pushing up, wanting more of him. He wanted him underneath him, he realised. He wanted to push him down and cover him with his body, and feel him arch up beneath him. He wanted hours with Jeremy - days, weeks - to just touch and explore and feel every inch of him. Would he get that time? Could he? Would anyone object if he only worked day shifts for the rest of his life?

They made out forever, it felt like. Jean, in the spirit of Christmas, had chosen one of his red LAFD t-shirts instead of his usual navy one, and Jeremy kept trying to get his hands under it. Jean wanted to take pity and just pull it off for him, but he knew what a mood killer his body could be. Jeremy would have to be very aroused or at least tipsy before he got a look at that. 

Jean, for his part, had tugged Jeremy's shirt out of its neat tuck and was exploring the smooth planes of his back. Jeremy was so slim and soft that he’d forgotten that he was strong too, and the hard muscles of him yielded under Jean’s touch. 

‘God, you feel so good,’ he breathed, lips brushing Jeremy’s ear. Jeremy made a shocked little sound and drew back from his current activity of sucking on Jean’s collarbone. 

‘Can I go home with you tonight?’ he asked. His eyes were so dark they were almost black. He clutched the front of Jean’s shirt and bit his lip, looking about as desperate for it as Jean probably did. ‘You don’t have to stay late?’

Jean shook his head. ‘I was drinking, remember? I’m also making out with you instead of paying any attention to my job. You really thought I was working tonight?’

Jeremy flushed but grinned. ‘Oh yeah,’ he remembered. ‘Oops.’

‘They let you teach kids?’

Jeremy tapped Jean’s cheek with two fingers in a mock slap. ‘Guess I’m distracted,’ he murmured, lips twitching up in a smile. ‘So?’

Jean had almost forgotten his question. ‘Yes,’ he breathed, lips brushing Jeremy’s. ‘Yes, come home with me. Never leave.’

He felt Jeremy’s smile when he kissed him, and his own mouth curved in response. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> douses u all in cold water (myself included)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do you write endings? DM if u know

Jean thought they might have gone on kissing all night, were it not for a loud banging on the engine bay door. At first he ignored it, because how could he pay attention to anything else when Jeremy had his tongue in his mouth and his hands on his ribs, but it got loud enough that even Jeremy paused.

‘Is there a fire?’ he asked, reasonably.

‘Not tonight,’ Jean growled, wishing death on whoever was trying to interrupt. 

‘Jean!’ The voice currently yelling his name was the last he wanted to hear. ‘Stop defiling Texas and come help me pull Aaron and his brother apart!’

Jeremy blinked. ‘Is that Sara?’

‘What the fuck are they doing here?’ Jean muttered, meaning the Minyards, who in his opinion should never be invited to anything anywhere. 

‘I think Matt was planning on inviting Neil,’ Jeremy said apologetically. He met Jean’s eyes. ‘Maybe he brought Andrew, too.’

‘How do you know what my colleagues are up to?’ Jean asked, feeling very good about this despite his suspicious tone. 

Jeremy shrugged. ‘I’m worming my way into your life, one friend at a time,’ he said airily. ‘Hope that’s ok.’

Jean leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. ‘Definitely ok,’ he murmured.

The banging was back. ‘Moreau!’ Alvarez yelled. ‘Ok maybe I was lying about there being a fight but Texas was my idea!’

‘That woman barks like a dog,’ said Jean resentfully. He had no intention of letting Jeremy go anywhere right now, but Jeremy, who was laughing softly against his hair, seemed to have other ideas. 

‘I have a proposition,’ he said, sitting back slightly so he could look Jean in the eye again. This was a very comfortable position for Jean, and he didn’t plan on leaving it any time soon.

‘This better be good,’ he said gently, catching Jeremy’s hand and kissing his knuckles. This derailed Jeremy for a moment.

‘It is,’ he said, a little breathless. ‘Ok, hear me out. As much fun as this is - and it is _very fun,_ Jean - my legs are starting to cramp. And I kind of like the idea of showing off how cute we are together to, like, everyone you know.’

Jean blushed. ‘So ... you want to go back out to the party?’ he asked.

Jeremy nodded, with a little kiss to his cheek. ‘Just for a while,’ he confirmed. ‘Let Sara and Laila have their fun in here too. Kind of brave, considering what she clearly thinks we’re doing, but maybe they’ll use the back.’

‘They’ll definitely use the back,’ Jean agreed, helpless against Jeremy’s soft little kisses. 

Jeremy nosed at his cheek, and slid his hands up to his shoulders. ‘And later,’ he said, breath hot on Jean’s skin. ‘You can show me that really nice bed I know you’ve got.’ He kissed him again. ‘I had to go looking for your cat in your bedroom once.’ Another kiss. ‘Looks like you’ve got a lot of room for activities in there. I got kind of excited, thinking about it.’

Jean’s brain was functioning on so little blood he was in danger of passing out. Although he was quite content to let himself be smothered in these cajoling little kisses until that happened, he had to admit he would like something to drink. And then he remembered how cute and giggly Jeremy got when he drank, which effectively sealed the deal.

He could only nod and smile, which Jeremy found nice enough to kiss him again. 

‘I don’t know if I can stand,’ he admitted, smiling against Jean’s mouth.

‘I’ll carry you,’ Jean offered, only half joking. Jeremy groaned a little.

‘Oh God. I'm getting flashbacks to that time when you picked Kevin up and slung him over your shoulder. I had to, like, go back inside in case I jumped you immediately.’

Jean, incredibly flustered and embarrassed, said, ‘I wouldn’t have minded.’

They got out of the truck with some difficulty, as Jeremy’s legs really had gone to sleep. Jean linked him over to the door and prepared to face the music.

‘Wait, let me stand,’ Jeremy said before he could unlock it, extracting himself from Jean’s arm. He winked up at him. ‘If I'm limping people will _really_ talk.’

Jean blushed so furiously that he could hardly get the door open.

Alvarez and Laila didn’t even have the decency to act like they were there for any better reason than Jean and Jeremy were.

‘Take your time,’ added Alvarez, as they slipped out the door. ‘No rush.’

Laila was holding a new bottle of champagne and grinning at them. ‘We thought you might like one of these,’ she said, holding it out. ‘Quench your thirst, and all that.’

‘We were just having a chat,’ Jeremy said primly. He had his usual composure back, and had even remembered to tuck his shirt in. ‘Sorry, did you want to look around? I thought you’d be more interested in the party. That’s where we’re going now.’

Jean looked on in amazement as Jeremy led him away with all the grace and class of two people who really had only been having a polite talk. Jean snatched the bottle of champagne from Laila as he passed.

They shared the champagne on the way back to the training hall; it went down very easy, as they had all the giddy energy of two people who liked each other and were now enjoying the shared realisation that the feeling was mutual. They held hands and rubbed shoulder and passed the bottle back and forth; occasionally Jeremy would stretch up and kiss Jean’s cheek, and Jean would be compelled to kiss him back, and progress would stall momentarily. Jean was so distracted he completely forgot where he was, and who he was about to walk in on top of.

Luckily the Minyards hadn’t started any fights - in fact, Jean could only see Neil, talking to Katelyn, with no Andrew in sight - and all the furnishings were still intact. Alissa was watching the drunkenly dancing couples with a shrewd eye, but her boyfriend had shown up to keep her company in sober solidarity, so she was looking fairly happy on his arm. Matt and Dan were leading the karaoke in the break room - all Christmas themed songs, of course - and a few crew members from other shifts that Jean didn’t know too well were nodding and waving as he and Jeremy made their reappearance, significantly more tipsy than they had been earlier.

They mingled. Jean had never been a mingling kind of person, but Jeremy was a pro. It was very easy to ride his wave, getting involved with the conversations he created and exiting gracefully when he decided to move on. It made Jean want to contribute, and participate. It might have been a sign of personal growth or it may just have been a petals to the sun kind of reaction, but either way Jean found himself passing a pleasant hour or so with the people he worked with but had never really bothered to get to know.

‘Do you want a proper drink?’ Jean asked Jeremy, after a while. 

Jeremy hesitated, then made a face. ‘I’d better slow down,’ he said regretfully. 

Jean was surprised. They’d only had the bottle of champagne and a few cursory sips of eggnog. ‘Why?’ Then his heart sank. ‘Oh, do you have an early start tomorrow?’

Jeremy frowned slightly at him, but then his expression cleared and he grinned.

‘Oh, no,’ he reassured him. ‘Absolutely nowhere to be tomorrow besides with you, don’t worry.’

Jean wasn’t even ashamed to show Jeremy exactly how relieved that made him.

‘No,’ Jeremy went on. ‘I just meant that - uh, I actually had a few shots before I came here.’ He wore a slightly chagrined expression. ‘I was nervous.’

Though this was perfectly reasonable, given how Jean himself had been feeling, he was still compelled to ask why.

Jeremy smiled, and squeezed his hand. They were doing a slow lap of the room now, hand in hand, smiling and nodding hello at people but keeping to their own little private bubble. ‘I was afraid that this wouldn’t go the way I was hoping it would,’ he said softly. ‘Part of my brain kept trying to talk me out of it. I kept thinking  _leave him alone, he’s not into you_. And after everything you told me - I mean, it makes sense, Jean. I know why you might not be, like, comfortable with relationships. And this doesn’t have to be that, if you don’t want it to be. I’m just …’

Jeremy, in a rare moment of anxiety, ducked his head and wouldn’t meet Jean’s eye. ‘In the spirit of honesty,’ he went on, ‘I’m gonna tell you that I really, really care about you, but if you just wanted something casual then - then please just tell me now, and we can just - ‘

Jean literally couldn’t bear another word. He stepped in front of Jeremy and took both of his hands, cutting him off. For once, he didn’t care who was around or who else was listening. 

‘The spirit of honesty,’ Jean echoed. ‘Well, in that case I have to tell you that - ‘ He took a breath, feeling his heart clogging up his throat. ‘I’m … I love you. And you might not be ready to hear that, but … if you think you could ever get there, then maybe you won’t mind knowing it.’

This was clearly the last thing that Jeremy had expected to hear, because his eyes went wide and the only reply he could manage was, ‘Are you serious?’

Jean tried not to let that feel like a negative response. ‘Yes,’ he said, trying to sound sincere. ‘I don’t know much about it, though. So, I’m sorry if I get it wrong.’

The sun was finally coming out behind Jeremy’s eyes. He took one hand out of Jean’s and touched his face so gently. 

‘You can’t get love wrong,’ he said softly. ‘Someone as gentle and kind as you could never get it wrong.’

Jean’s heart felt warm and full. Jeremy’s whole attention was focused on him, and even if he didn’t say it back, Jean could feel it. The lighting was low and the Christmas tree lights sparkled in the centre of the room, making the tinsel glitter. Jean felt whole, and at peace. He didn’t need Jeremy to say it back.

But then Jeremy leaned up, standing on tip toe. Jean thought he was going to kiss him. Jeremy leaned in until his mouth was at Jean’s ear. ‘I love you, too,’ he whispered. His lips grazed Jean’s cheek on the way back down. He didn’t go far; he stayed toe to toe with Jean, his hands on his shoulders, a very secret smile on his face. 

‘You are the sweetest man I’ve ever known,’ Jeremy murmured, gazing at him. ‘I think I’ve been a little in love with you ever since I found out you walked miles out of your way just to spend time with me.’

So, not the dumbest thing he’d ever done, Jean thought. He smiled - his cheeks ached from smiling so much.

‘Remember after the party, when you were getting our coats?’ Jean said, brushing their noses together. ‘I thought you weren’t coming back. When you did, that’s when I felt it. That’s when I knew.’

Jeremy wasn’t looking away. Jean took a breath.

‘I know you wanted to spend some more time at the party,’ he said, choosing his words carefully. ‘But, how much longer?’

Jeremy pretended to think about it. ‘That depends,’ he said. ‘How many people do you have to say goodbye to?’

Jean raised his eyebrows. ‘Well, you’re coming with me,’ he explained. ‘So … no one.’

Jeremy ducked his head, but Jean saw how pleased he was by this. It made him want to say more nice things like that.

However, leaving wasn’t as easy as they’d hoped. Jean had never experienced any resistance to his swift exits before, but he should have expected everyone’s general reluctance to Jeremy’s departure. More drinks traded hands - “one for the road” - and many toasted the occasion just because Jeremy smiled at them. He was definitely starting to feel the effects, because he was slyly passing them off to Jean once he’d had a swallow. Jean, who had the constitution of an ox and handled alcohol much better than Jeremy, took each one from him and finished most of it for him or dumped it into a plant before handing it back so Jeremy wouldn’t feel bad. 

By the time they’d found Jeremy’s coat and gotten Jean’s keys and wallet out of his car they were both solidly drunk and missing each other’s mouths more often than not. They swayed on the sidewalk while they waited for a taxi, half a block down because the taxis weren’t allowed pull up near the entrance. Jeremy had his arm wrapped around Jean’s waist, as much to hold himself up as anything else. Jean was humming something Christmassy; he couldn’t remember ever feeling so light and happy before. Even when they got into the cab and started kissing, Jean wasn’t even nervous. How could he be nervous, when he knew that Jeremy loved him? 

And even if he hadn’t said it back, Jean thought, as they stumbled through his front door. Even if he didn’t know that already, he’d trust Jeremy with his heart. He was falling in love with someone he already loved. 

Jean’s apartment was in darkness. Grishkin meowed softly from her bed in the living room but didn’t get up. Jean was trying to take Jeremy’s shirt off, but there were so many buttons. 

‘Are we too drunk for this?’ Jeremy whispered, a laugh in his voice.

‘No, I can do it,’ Jean said, concentrating. The buttons were so small. Jeremy tried to help and made it worse, and they fell on to Jean’s bed in a fit of helpless laughter. Jean sighed, the smile still on his lips. 

‘I’ve laughed more with you than I ever have in my life,’ he admitted. 

Jeremy was straddling him, hands on his chest and sliding under his shirt. He reached up and touched Jean’s face. ‘We get along,’ he reminded him with a smile. Then he undid the rest of his buttons and loosened his bow tie so he could get the whole thing off over his head. 

It was a slow, sensual thing between them. They were drunk, but this was serious. Jeremy’s eyes slipped shut as Jean touched him; he arched his back when Jean scraped his fingers lightly over his chest, thumb brushing his nipple. Jeremy’s own hands were playing over the soft skin of Jean’s abdomen, right above his waistband. Jean wanted more - he wanted to feel what Jeremy’s skin felt like against his own, in places not normally touched. Taking off his clothes in front of other people was not something he was used to, and while he was more than ready to give it a go for Jeremy, he was a bit concerned about how he might react. 

His head was spinning, and he couldn’t get enough air, but he didn’t want any when the alternative was not kissing Jeremy. He rolled them over so he could get on top, and pinned Jeremy’s hands above his head. He didn’t immediately register that Jeremy might not like that, but Jeremy made a pleased little sound and pushed up against him, just like Jean had hoped he would. Jean ground his hips down on him and tried to fight the feeling that the room was spinning so that he didn’t fall right off. 

Jeremy pulled one hand out of Jean’s so he could start undoing his belt. The sound of Jeremy’s zipper sent a bolt of excitement through Jean’s veins, and he bit Jeremy’s lip in response.

‘Mm, you’re fun,’ Jeremy said - he was drunk, but sounded like he meant it. ‘You like stuff like that?’

Jean honestly didn’t know. ‘Like what?’

Jeremy kissed him. ‘Plenty of time to find out,’ he murmured. 

Jean liked the sound of that. He helped Jeremy get his pants off the rest of the way and then struggled to cope with the long, hot length of his body lying beneath him. 

Jeremy legs brushed up against Jean’s, one snaking around to wrap around the back of his thigh. Jeremy’s hands were in Jean’s hair and he was kissing him fiercely, and Jean was starting to want to take off his own pants too. 

Jeremy was clearly on the same page. ‘Come on, I want to feel you,’ he whispered, breath on Jean’s lips. He reached down to Jean’s pants, and Jean let him push them down over his ass and touch him. 

The intimacy was so new and startling. Jean’s movements stalled as he forgot how to move, how to breathe, when someone else was touching him with such purpose. Jeremy pushed down on his ass and thrust his own body up to meet him. There was hardly anything between them, and their small, shocked gasps filled the room like shouts. 

They moved together like this for as long as they pleased, because it felt good. Jean kissed Jeremy’s neck and face and shoulders and anywhere else he could reach, slipping his tongue into his mouth and feeling Jeremy’s brush his own. He tugged on his lip and his earlobe with his teeth and sucked hard on his neck, because Jeremy made the nicest sounds of pleasure in response to these little stings. He wondered if Jeremy would like it if Jean slapped him, and if he did, what sound he would make then.

Jeremy’s hands were sliding all over Jean’s back and chest, and he was trying to take Jean’s shirt off again. Once he got it raised halfway up his body, Jean tensed and paused. 

Jeremy didn’t immediately notice. Jean blamed the alcohol and the fact that they were both hard and trembling. Jeremy gave it another little pull, and this time Jean put a hand on his.

Jeremy’s eyes snapped all the way open. ‘What?’ he said, automatically. He dropped his hands. ‘What’s wrong?’

Jean didn’t know how to explain it, so he just went in for a kiss. Jeremy kissed him back, but slowly. When Jean pulled back, Jeremy said, ‘You don’t have to take anything off. But I don’t care what you look like.’

Jean had no doubt that Jeremy fully believed that. But scars had a way of putting you in mind of non-sexy thoughts. He didn’t want to ruin the mood. 

That said, he felt like he wouldn’t get the full experience of Jeremy’s soft, firm body under his own unless he met it with his own bare skin. Jean knew he was starting to overthink it, so he quickly pulled the t-shirt off over his head and dropped it on the floor next to the bed. 

To his intense relief, Jeremy hardly glanced at his chest. Instead he just pulled Jean down on top of him properly.

It wasn’t until Jean was hard and starting to leak through his underwear that he realised he couldn’t have sex with Jeremy. Not tonight, with half the alcohol in the world inside his body and the strange feeling rattling around inside him about being like that with another person. He didn’t know how to communicate this to Jeremy, so once again he just pulled back slowly, and tried to catch his breath.

‘You ok?’ Jeremy asked. His breathing was just as ragged. The room was half lit by the street lamps outside, and Jean could see that his lips were all pink and bitten, and his hair was a glorious mess. He looked a million miles away from the neat and put together Jeremy that Jean had met at the school all those weeks ago. 

‘Yeah,’ he said, panting slightly. ‘I just - I haven’t done this in a while. I think, maybe I’m too drunk …’

Jeremy groaned in relief. ‘Thank god you said it,’ he said. ‘I really want to suck your dick but I’m afraid I’ll puke.’

This was so honest and Jeremy-like that all the tension left Jean’s body in a startled rush of laughter. He rolled off Jeremy but stayed close; they opened their arms to each other and curled up. Jeremy’s head rested on Jean’s arm, and their legs tangled together easily. 

‘We have plenty of time,’ he murmured, reaching up to stroke Jean’s face slowly with the back of one finger. His other hand rested on Jean’s waist. ‘All the time in the world to figure it out.’

‘You’ll have to teach me,’ Jean whispered, which bizarrely felt like the hardest thing he’d ever admitted. Maybe one day he’d tell Jeremy that the only sex he’d had was as a teenager, and it hadn’t been fun. He thought that Jeremy would love him anyway. Jean had never known that kind of security before.

Jeremy smiled. ‘I was going to say that you’ll have to teach _me_ ,’ he said. ‘I’ve never done this with another man before.’

That was something of a surprise. ‘Then how are you so good at it?’ Jean demanded. He felt like a graceless elephant compared with Jeremy’s skill in just about every aspect of their relationship thus far.

Jeremy shrugged with a smile. ‘It’s never been so easy before,’ he admitted. ‘I guess it’s easier when you love someone.’

The word hung in the air between them like a star. Jean leaned in to kiss him with the sound still ringing in his ear.

Grishkin came in after a while, complaining. 

‘We’ve disrupted her routine,’ explained Jean, as she jumped up on the bed to investigate. 'She thinks it's breakfast time.'

Jeremy was all tucked up in his arms, bare-legged and wearing one of Jean’s LAFD t-shirts. The room was pleasantly warm and they’d just been enjoying each other’s presence, both still too drunk to sleep.

‘Grishkin,’ Jeremy whispered, holding out his hand to her. She sniffed his fingers disdainfully and permitted one pat of the head before climbing on to Jean’s legs. 

‘What does her name mean?’ Jeremy asked, tilting his head up to Jean. 

Jean was stroking Jeremy’s hair and feeling utterly at his leisure. ‘Nothing, really,’ he said. ‘Renée’s a big T.S. Eliot fan. One of his poems references a woman who’s supposed to be Serafina, uh, what's her name. Serafina Astafieva, this Russian ballerina. He calls her Grishkin, and says she’s like a Brazilian jaguar.’ Jean shrugs. ‘Kevin loves ballet. Thinks they're the strongest athletes.’

Jeremy looked charmed by this story. ‘He’s probably right,’ he said, smiling at him. ‘So you named her after your brother and sister.’

Jean wanted to keep Jeremy right here in his arms and never let him go. ‘I supposed I did,’ he said softly. 

Grishkin didn’t stay long. Once she’d ascertained that it was still bedtime she got down and went back into the living room. After a few minutes of silence they heard a rustle and a few tinkles, and the Grishkin’s annoyed meow.

‘She’s going at the Christmas tree again,’ Jean mumbled. It was just a little fake thing he’d put in the corner of the living room, but to Grishkin it was an enemy combatant.

Jeremy muffled his laughter against Jean’s chest. ‘I thought I noticed that coming in,’ he murmured. ‘You’re far more organised than I am, Jean.’ He paused, then looked up at Jean again. ‘What do you do for Christmas?’

Jean shrugged. ‘Go to Renée’s, usually,’ he said. He’d been wondering about getting out of it this year. Much as they insisted that they loved his company he knew it wasn’t great. Plus he knew that Allison’s mother really wanted them to come to her in San Francisco with the baby; he’d overheard Allison arguing with her on the phone. And Kevin and Thea always went to the man Kevin had been calling his father for three years - an older man on the force who’d taken Kevin under his wing when he’d been a rookie. He was retired now, and bore absolutely no resemblance to Kevin other than a short temper, but Kevin was incredibly fond of him. Jean envied him that, even if it was just fantasy.

Jeremy was running his hand slowly over Jean’s waist, bare where his t-shirt had slid up.

‘I usually just go to friends,’ he said slowly. ‘My sisters never come home. I was wondering … I mean, this year … Do you think Grishkin would freak out if she met Badger?’

Jean’s only response was to wrap himself around Jeremy and kiss him until they were both breathless and hard again. When Jeremy’s hand slipped down between them, Jean didn’t stop him. His fingers slipped inside Jean’s underwear and touched him, and Jean’s body shuddered so hard his teeth rattled. 

And as Jeremy touched him, Jean felt brave enough to do the same. He reached down to cup the hardness between Jeremy’s legs, and he felt the heat shiver up his body and knife through his limbs. It was secret, and heady. They fumbled around, mouthing at each other, as an incredible restless energy built up inside them and made vibrations in their blood. 

They moved, trying to figure it out. Jeremy’s fingers wrapped around his cock was a sensation that Jean had not been prepared for, and his own movements stalled. Only the soft cries and moans from Jeremy’s lips when he dragged his fingers along his wet cock could spur him to further action. They shivered and collided, teeth on lips and fingers creating friction, slipping in the wetness and restlessly pulling material out of the way. 

The sweet sound of Jeremy’s pleasure was all Jean ever wanted to hear again. He was so absorbed in him that his own orgasm took him by surprise. He breathed through the worst of it with Jeremy was still hard in his hand, and then Jean realised he wanted to make it last for him. He slowed his strokes down, crawling over Jeremy’s body to kiss neck and shoulders softly, drawing it out. Jeremy’s warm body reacted to him beautifully, chasing his touch. Jean wanted to devour him. He touched his hand to Jeremy’s abdomen, leaving wet fingerprints that shone in the light falling across belly. Then Jean ducked his head and took him into his mouth. 

Outside, the world carried on without them. Inside, Jean’s heart was pierced by the sound of Jeremy moaning his name.

When the excitement died down, to be replaced with a quiet peace and contentment, Jeremy let Jean lie with his head on his chest so he could listen to Jeremy’s heartbeat gradually slowing down.

‘It’s still beating so fast,’ Jean marvelled quietly. Jeremy, who was half asleep and playing with Jean’s hair, made a little noise of amusement. 

‘I guess my heart still can’t believe it either,’ he replied. 

There followed a few minutes of sleepy silence in which Jeremy’s hand fell still and Jean thought he’d fallen asleep.

Then, with a little intake of breath, Jeremy said, ‘Oh, Badger.’

Jean, half asleep himself, thought this was one of Jeremy's schoolteacher cuss words at first. ‘What?’ he mumbled, eyes fluttering open. 

‘My dog,’ Jeremy said, sounding incredulous. ‘I completely forgot him. I need to feed him in the morning.’

Jean, not used to dogs and their ways, said, ‘He won’t starve. Can he wait a few hours?’ He was rather terrified of the idea that Jeremy might get up and leave.

Jeremy hummed thoughtfully. ‘I guess,’ he said slowly. ‘I just don’t like the thought of him being anxious without me.’

Whatever about the dog, Jean certainly didn’t like the idea of Jeremy being anxious. 

‘Well, how about we get up together in the morning,’ Jean said slowly. ‘Go get Badger and bring him for a walk, get some breakfast on the way. I have to get my car at some point anyway.’

Jeremy’s hand was in Jean’s hair again. ‘That’d be really nice,’ he murmured, sounding pleased. ‘Are you sure?’

Jean smiled. ‘I’m pretty sure, yeah.’ He loved the feeling of Jeremy’s fingers carding through his hair, gently scratching his head. 

Jeremy dragged a blanket down over their legs. Jean reached over to the ground for his phone and set an alarm for 9am the next morning. 

‘Make it 8:30,’ Jeremy said, watching him. ‘I suspect you’ll be very cute in the morning and I won’t be able to resist.’

Jean couldn’t believe that having a person’s dick in your mouth did nothing to stop you blushing at comments that implied their attraction to you. 

Despite some sleepy kissing prolonging the night, they eventually fell asleep. Jean’s head rested on Jeremy’s chest with his arm and leg draped over him, and he fell asleep so unbelievably satisfied with himself that he didn’t have a single bad dream. 

 

*

 

As predicted, Jeremy couldn’t keep his hands off Jean in the morning. 

‘Hit snooze,’ he told Jean, eyes sparkling as his hands slipped down his body. 

Jean had expected some kissing, but he’d thought a full on blowjob was beyond anyone’s early morning, hungover capabilities. But Jeremy’s movements were smooth and assured, and he took Jean into his mouth like he’d been doing it all his life. 

‘I thought you said you’d never done this before,’ Jean gasped, struggling not to thrust up into Jeremy’s mouth. His hands were clutching the pillow above his head. 

‘I’m a fast learner,’ Jeremy said, popping up for air. He kissed Jean’s lips, leaving the salty trace of himself  behind. It was beyond heady, and altogether too much for the morning. 

They napped again once Jeremy had very politely finished Jean off - he’d even licked his lips afterwards - but managed to drag themselves into the shower eventually. It wasn’t the sexy experience that movies had led Jean to believe it would be, but somehow it was nicer like this. They swapped the shower gel and shampoo back and forth, and flicked water at each other playfully. 

‘Your shower is enormous,’ Jeremy said admiringly, turning a full circle under the spray. Jean, distracted by this spectacle, didn’t reply until Jeremy sprayed him with the hose. 

‘I’m a big guy,’ Jean said, shrugging. ‘Smaller showers mean bruised elbows.’

Jeremy found this hilarious and just had to kiss him, so the shower lasted a little longer than intended. 

In the end they found their way out of Jean’s apartment just before 10. Jeremy was wearing his pants from the night before, but the t-shirt and sweater were Jean’s. Both were too big for him but it just made him look cute. He had to roll the sleeves up twice just to hold Jean’s hand.

They took a cab to Jeremy’s place because it was raining lightly. Once there, they found a very excited Badger who had peed all over the kitchen floor and dragged all of Jeremy’s shoes out into the living room.

‘Right,’ Jeremy sighed, as Badger flung himself at Jean’s knees. ‘Give me ten minutes.’

He disappeared into the kitchen with rubber gloves and disinfectant, so Jean picked up all the shoes and lined them up neatly in Jeremy’s bedroom, which he desperately wanted to explore but Badger barked at him every time he stopped moving. 

'Isn't it time for your breakfast?' he asked the dog quietly.

‘Jean, get his leash,’ Jeremy called from the kitchen. ‘He’ll shut up if you show it to him.’

This didn’t sound right to Jean but he dutifully followed Jeremy’s instructions and got the leash out of the drawer beside the front door.

Just the scrape of the wood as the drawer was opened was enough to get Badger at full attention. Revealing the leash had him completely silent and staring Jean down, his tail a blur. 

‘What do you know,’ muttered Jean, impressed, sitting on the arm of the couch. ‘It worked.’

‘He sitting down like a good boy?’ Jeremy called from the kitchen. Jean looked up as his footsteps approached.

‘Which of us are you talking to?’ he asked. Jeremy spluttered with laughter at the sight of them both sitting and waiting patiently for him.

‘Aw, and you tidied up my shoes,’ he added, noticing. 

Jean shrugged. ‘I understood his impulse,’ he said.

Jean waited as Jeremy pottered around putting away the rubber gloves and changing his pants and putting out a small bowl of food for Badger. 

‘You’re not gonna change the sweater too?’ Jean asked.

Jeremy paused. ‘Wasn’t gonna,’ he said. ‘Unless you want it back?’

Jean smiled. ‘No,’ he said softly. ‘Not at all.’

They flirted back and forth until it all got too much for Badger, who had finished his breakfast and now let out an anxious little yip. Jeremy stared at him incredulously.

‘Excuse me?’ he said, eyebrows raised. ‘What was that?’

Jean bent down to clip the leash on to Badger’s harness. They met in the centre of the room so Jean could hand it over, and Jeremy took it with a small smile. 

‘Maybe we can come back here later,’ he said, touching Jean’s fingers. ‘If the smell of Oxiclean doesn’t bother you.’

Jean laced their fingers together and shook his head. ‘A small price to pay,’ he teased. ‘We can get you a Christmas tree.’

‘Badger will eat it.’

‘I’ll hang it from the ceiling.’

Jeremy laughed and put his arm around Jean’s neck. ‘I think I could learn to live with you,’ he asked, brushing their lips together. 

‘Good to hear that I’ve grown on you,’ replied Jean, with an arm around his waist. Then he froze. ‘Don’t move,’ he said quietly. 

‘What?’ Jeremy of course tried to move, but Jean’s arm was iron. ‘Why?’

They both glanced down at the excited skitter of claws on the floor to see Badger completing his dozenth loop of their bodies. He sat down on the end of a now very short leash and looked up at them expectantly.

’This is why I miss the bus in the mornings,’ Jeremy said, leaning his head on Jean’s shoulders. ‘You sure you haven’t seen the light yet?’

Jean kissed his temple, thinking what a ridiculous question that was for him to ask. Jeremy _was_ the light.

‘How do you normally get out of these situations?’ he asked.

‘Fall,’ admitted Jeremy, with a grin. ‘There’s a trick to it. You’ve just gotta learn to do it properly and not hurt yourself.’

Jean nodded, enjoying the sparkle in those beautiful brown eyes. ‘I think I can do that,’ he said. 

 

 

EPILOGUE:

 

The day of Kevin’s LAPD demonstration at Rose Hill Kindergarten fell on a day that Jean had to be half way across the state giving another class at a high school. Two days before the holidays was no time to get kids to concentrate, and Jean had not exactly been thrilled to be there either. But Jeremy had promised to come over for dinner and give him a full report since he couldn’t be there himself, so Jean amused himself on the drive home wondering what kind of a positive spin Jeremy would try to put on something that must have gone awry in some shape or form. Maybe he’d change when he had his own kid, but present-day Kevin spoke to children like stoned college kids handcuffed beside his desk at work. Very slowly, with mounting impatience.

The smell of chilli wafted gloriously out of the kitchen when Jean unlocked his front door. The first thing he saw was Badger wagging his tail happily at him from his Jean’s-house bed in the corner beside the Christmas tree. He was incredibly effective at deterring Grishkin from knocking it over; his presence offended her so much that she wouldn’t come anywhere near that side of the room. Badger chewed on the plastic leaves sometimes but at least he didn’t take running leaps at it. 

The second thing he saw was Grishkin with her paw out, poised to knock over a glass of water on the coffee table.

‘Grishkin,’ he hissed. She didn’t even glance at him, but slowly withdrew her paw. 

‘Hi!’ called Jeremy from the kitchen. ‘I’m making chilli again, hope that’s ok.’

In the two weeks or so that they’d been dating Jean had done most of the cooking, because wooing Jeremy with food was his way of courting. But there was still some homemade ice cream in the freezer so Jean felt ok about surrendering the kitchen tonight.

‘Smells amazing,’ he said, dropping his bag and wandering into the kitchen. It was so incredibly easy to put an arm around Jeremy’s waist and kiss him hello. Although neither of them had officially moved in yet, they had a drawer in each other’s bedrooms and a toothbrush in the bathrooms.

‘So,’ he said, leaning against the counter and watching him work. ‘How was it?’

Jeremy was already grinning. ‘I can’t believe how little faith you have in your brother,’ he said, sprinkling cumin into the bubbling pot. ‘It didn’t go that bad at all.’

‘The fact that you didn’t lead with “it went great” tells me everything I need to know,’ Jean said frankly. ‘Did he get frustrated and cry? Do I need to call him?’

Jeremy, laughing, swiped at him with a dishcloth. ‘No!’ he protested. ‘It really was good, the kids loved him. Kevin did look a bit … stressed out. But I think it was more to do with Andrew and Neil standing at his elbows. They make him nervous.’

‘That’s his own fault,’ Jean insisted. ‘He knew that from the beginning. He should have brought a pair of rookie cops and made life easier on himself.’

‘Isn’t Neil new to the force?’ Jeremy asked, stirring absentmindedly as he looked at Jean.

Jean waved his hand. ‘He’s not new to Kevin, though,’ he said. ‘Neil’s not scared of him.’

Jeremy smiled. ‘Poor Kevin,’ he murmured. ‘He really did get his point across, I thought. I’d give him top marks.’

‘Well he’s your number one fan so I’m gonna tell him you said that.’

Jeremy’s eyes sparkled. ‘I already did,’ he said. ‘And we’re having dinner with him and Thea on the 29th.’

Jean raised his eyebrows. ‘So you’re organising our social lives now?’ 

‘Yeah, problem?’

Jean pushed off the counter and kissed Jeremy soundly on the mouth. ‘Not remotely,’ he said, stealing a hunk of corn bread from the plate at Jeremy’s elbow.

‘By the way, your cat hates my dog,’ Jeremy called after him.

Jean frowned. ‘She doesn’t hate him,’ he protested, taking a bite of bread. ‘She’s just territorial.’

‘You sure?’ Jeremy came out after him. ‘Watch this.’ 

He clicked his tongue for Badger, who had to pass where Grishkin was currently cleaning her paws in order to get to Jeremy. She didn’t move as Badger got within range, but the second he was past her she shot out her paw and swiped his wagging tail.

‘See?’ Jeremy demanded. Badger flicked his ears in annoyance but it didn’t seem to bother him. Jean snorted. 

‘That was nothing,’ he said. ‘That was just a love tap. Like this.’

He reached behind and smacked Jeremy’s ass lightly, a move he couldn’t have imagined pulling a few weeks ago. Jeremy swatted him back of course and they ended up wrestling on the couch like a couple of kids. As usual, it ended in kissing. 

‘Dinner’s gonna be glued to the pot,’ Jeremy mumbled, burying his face in Jean’s neck.

‘Can’t believe this is how you treat me,’ Jean said in mock disappointment, stroking his back. There was a soft thud as Grishkin landed on his legs. 

‘Tell the pets to serve it up,’ Jeremy suggested as Badger started pawing at their arms, standing up on his two legs in excitement. 

‘Is there a Postmates for when you’re too lazy to finish the job?’

‘Honestly, I feed you every day,’ Jeremy said, turning his head to Badger incredulously. ‘You can’t even return the favour just once?’

'Grishkin used to bring me dead birds in our old apartment,’ Jean remembered. ‘I guess my pet loves more than yours loves you.’

‘Mm, dead birds. You sure that was love?’ 

‘Maybe she thought I was another cat. I had a beard at the time.’

Jeremy gasped softly. ‘Do you have photos?’ he asked. 

It wasn’t their first ruined dinner, and it certainly wouldn’t be their last. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading pals! also shout out to all the people who sent me messages on tumblr - honestly they're like fuel, I wouldn't have gotten this written within the month if it weren't for you creatures. 
> 
> If you read, commented, kudos'd - THANK. Yiz are all massive. 
> 
> On to the next one! <333

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on [tumblr](http://thetrojeans.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/lazarusthefirst/)


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